


Anabasis

by aye_of_newt



Series: From the Brink [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Aftermath of trauma, Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Abuse (past), Hurt/Comfort, Klaus's Mary Poppins bag of trauma, Mental Illness, Multi, Recovery and healing, discussion of sensitive topics including but not limited to, every time you think he's done unpacking it, he finds another impossibly large item, specific tags and warnings can be found on each chapter, violence in many forms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:15:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 72,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27759760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aye_of_newt/pseuds/aye_of_newt
Summary: Anabasis/əˈnabəsəs/1. a going or marching up : ADVANCE2. a difficult and dangerous military retreatRehab was a refuge that offered Klaus the respite he needed in order to begin processing the cruelties dealt to him by life. Now sober and free, he must continue his journey towards healing as he joins the real world again and face the challenges it offers him.Or, recovery is not a destination, but rather a curving path that occasionally bends back on its self.
Series: From the Brink [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027756
Comments: 425
Kudos: 214





	1. Adapt and Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus joins the world and begins to forge a life for himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at end
> 
> Hi!!!  
> Oh my god I'm back!!!!! It feels like it's been FOREVER. But also not long enough lmao. This fic has changed so much even in just the past two weeks... I've been working like crazy to make sure that this is the story that everyone deserves! It still blows my mind how much people liked Lost in the Middle and I can only hope I live up to your faith in me.
> 
> Just a quick note on the tone of this story before we start!
> 
> I know everyone loves how much healing Klaus has been through and so do I! I know we all love things to be wholesome and positive and I swear on my life that we are going to keep getting better and moving towards healing. HOWEVER, sometimes the recovery process hurts because processing trauma is difficult. There will be some angst ahead, but again, I promise we are going to be okay in the end. 
> 
> Now, please enjoy!!!!

Klaus’s apartment was an absolutely tiny efficiency, but it was clean and in good condition. He didn’t mind the size, because it was his opinion that the benefit to having very few things⏤ he could easily fit in the space. It was the nicest place Klaus had lived in a very long time, Healing Sage not included, and the only place that he had ever really had to himself. But by far the best thing about his new home was the east-facing window that let morning sun stream in through the cracks of the taller buildings around his own.

On his first day fully moved in, Klaus sat on his new yoga mat, a housewarming gift from Lillian, cradling his morning coffee after a morning flow. The sunrise reflected on the pale wood of the floor until it nearly glowed, turning Klaus into part of the dawn himself. He thought dimly that he ought to buy curtains, for the night at least, but as the light bathed him, Klaus resented the idea. 

***

The first weeks of freedom were the strangest in Klaus’s life, which was a feat considering his childhood. Darryl, his boss at the thrift store, was friendly and patient as he taught Klaus how to sort and tag the donations and operate the cash register, although he liked Star Wars a little too much and kept calling Klaus a ‘little padawan’. Darryl was most impressed with Klaus’s ability to make change in his head, which was a little embarrassing for Klaus considering that he’d developed that skill while dealing. 

But, as he constantly reminded himself, Darryl understood that too. He’d proven just how much when he accompanied Klaus to his first few NA meetings after being released from rehab. Eventually, Klaus moved onto his own schedule for what meetings worked best for him, but they still ran into each other occasionally and Darryl had become Klaus’s sponsor.

The format of NA was very much the same as the group sessions at Healing Sage had been, but it was strange to share personal details with people other than the four residents that Klaus had become bonded to during his stay in rehab. Slowly, Klaus relaxed to the change, though he never quite bared as much in the Y basement as he did with Daniel, Pete, Lauren, and Susan. He certainly didn't tell them he was a _Hargreeves,_ Hargreeves. 

The group leader he saw most often, Syd, tried to encourage Klaus to take pride in being clean for over a year, but it didn’t feel right to him. As he pointed out, he’d been in prison and rehab that entire time. In Klaus’s eyes, it wasn’t his own willpower that had gotten him so far. Syd would look at him sadly every time he said as much and insisted that undermining his achievements wasn’t necessary. Klaus told her that he would celebrate his real one year next December. 

Privately he added, _If I make it that far._ It felt like he'd jinx it if he even considered the future like that. 

Though, despite his lack of confidence in himself, Klaus found that he was oddly _not_ tempted to relapse. Of course, the cravings would come sometimes after a more difficult day or when his powers refused to bend to his will. (He still hadn't managed to physically manifest Ben again.)

But as a whole, with Ben at his side, the blessing of significant time having passed since his last hit, and a safe place to call home, the desire was nothing more than a fleeting thought. More than anything, Klaus found that _he_ did not want to use, even when his body did. 

His new life was better than anything he’d found before, not even in the few bright months he’d had with Jason before it all went to shit. Compared to the wild nights in his past, Klaus’s routine of work and therapy and meditation was incredibly boring, but for the time being, it was a refuge. 

***

In his free time, Klaus focused on slowly building himself a little home, filling his tiny space with things that he enjoyed, sophisticated aesthetics be damned. None of his sparse pieces of furniture really matched, scavenged as they were from his own work and collections left out by the roadside for the trash collectors, but they were unique and colorful and very Klaus. His plates, cups, and silverware were equally mish-mashed, but Klaus just organized his open-faced shelves into a color-coded rainbow of dinnerware and called it interior design.

It was his home and he would do with it as he pleased.

***

“Do you know anything about plants?” Klaus asked, pressing his phone to his ear with his shoulder, balancing the vine he’d rescued from the grocery store in one hand as he fumbled for his keys. His new therapist had advised trying to care for something else as a means of learning responsibility. Klaus figured a plant was lower-stakes than an animal. 

“I know some things,” Lillian laughed in response. “Why do you ask?”

“I’ve adopted a…” Klaus glanced at the care tag, “pothos?”

“Oh yes, of course. That’s a great starting plant. Don’t worry, pothos is impossible to kill.”

Klaus looked at the shriveled thing. “The grocery store did their best.”

Lillian chuckled. “I have a few books I could loan you. For now, don’t give it too much sunlight and make sure you don’t over-water it.”

“What do I do if it looks all… brown?”

“Well, I don’t think over-watering was the problem.”

  
  


Lillian brought over her botany books and take-out from her favorite pho place. They talked about plants and Lillian's yoga studio and getting enough protein on a vegetarian diet. Klaus couldn’t afford to eat much meat on his current budget while she (by choice) hadn’t eaten any since the sixties. In actuality, he found he didn't miss it much at all. They'd often done meatless meals at Healing Sage and the adjustment was almost non-noticeable. He was considering just giving up meat entirely to be honest. 

Over the years, Ben had mentioned, not often, but more than once, how terrible his training with Reginald had been. He had always been a gentle person and hated hurting anything, taking Vanya’s side when the others were torturing ants or insisting on carrying spiders outside rather than allowing Allison to squish them. Most significantly, this had been an issue on missions, but being asked to practice his abilities on animals had always disturbed Ben. After he described the way that they would look at him, terrorized and helpless as they died, Klaus had been turned off burgers for a bit. Of course, he hadn’t been able to afford to be picky about what he ate for a long time, but now that he had money and control over his life, Klaus was considering becoming vegetarian. Ben had said once that if he had the choice to, he would have been one. Klaus thought that it might be nice if he did it for Ben, now that he would never be able to. It was the most minor thing he could possibly do to pay Ben back for everything he'd done.

***

As a Christmas gift, Darryl let Klaus take the antique powder-pink couch he’d been coveting, free of charge. 

It was difficult for Klaus to accept.“You already gave me the coat⏤” he tried to protest.

“Because you needed a winter coat, Klaus. You were going to freeze.”

“Darryl, I can’t⏤”

“You can, you will. No arguments,” Darryl insisted, walking around to grab one end of the sofa. “Come on, help me lift. We can transport this in my truck."

He hesitated for a beat longer before caving. “Thank you.” Klaus hoped his gratitude came through as he carefully took up the other end of the couch. 

Darryl just smiled. 

***

The rehab group met at Susan’s house on the twenty-sixth. She flung open to the door almost the moment Klaus's hand touched the wood. 

“Merry _oomph⏤”_ The wind was knocked out of Klaus with her hug. 

“I’m so happy to see you!” She beamed. “Come in, come in.”

Quick introductions were made to Susan’s daughters, son, and husband, who all seemed genuinely happy to meet him. They were as lovely as Susan and watching them made Klaus feel exposed. Her family seemed like it belonged in a sitcom where all they argued about was things like unloading the dishwasher and said fights didn’t end with someone throwing a knife or attempting to strangle anyone. Even Susan’s time at Healing Sage felt more like it belonged in the realm of a Very Special Episode more than the dark hell-scape of addiction Klaus’s life was for so many years. 

Daniel, Lauren, and Pete were waiting in the living room and it was a relief to not be the only odd person out. Pete had brought his wife, Polly, but she was the only other extra person there. 

The awkward walls built up from their weeks apart and being out in the real world fell away quickly and by the time they got to their secret Santa gift exchange, it was like no time had passed. Daniel loved the dark wooden plugs that Klaus had found for him, much to Klaus's relief. He had given maybe two actual gifts in his life and had agonized over what would be considered appropriate, especially with his meager budget. Meanwhile, the sweater that Susan had made for Klaus had immediately become his favorite thing he owned. The soft, midnight purplish-blue yarn felt expensive and he couldn’t imagine how many hours it took to make. Susan, of course, insisted that it wasn’t a big deal and she was happy to do it. 

Eventually, the time came that they had to go back out into the night and split their separate ways, but as they broke apart into taxis and separate trains, they promised that they would see each other soon. 

***

Klaus couldn’t afford his own computer, but he liked going to the library to use theirs a few times a week. He mostly just messed around, but every so often he would search his siblings’ names, just to check-in. Allison was, predictably, the easiest to find. He vaguely followed her social media, though he assumed that it was run by some PR person. Her wedding had taken place while he was in jail, which he assumed was the reason he wasn’t invited. 

_Ha. Ha. It definitely had nothing to do with him being the family embarrassment, the druggie, the one who Allison had never even tried to contact after she left⏤_ Klaus forced himself to stop his spiraling thoughts and focus on the post, flicking through dozens of photos of the wedding. Allison glowed in all of them and his heart ached to have been there to see her so full of joy.

It was on her Instagram that he discovered she was pregnant. According to the post, Allison was already four months along and had never been happier. Klaus examined her smile carefully, searching for a hidden truth. She looked as content as she claimed, wrapped in the arms of her husband. He wondered if there was something wrong with him that he wasn’t as well-adjusted as Allison seemed to be, or if she was just better at hiding it than him. 

She _was_ the actress in the family. 

Still, it was strange to think of her being a mom. Not that he expected her to allow him to see the kid ever. They hadn’t talked since she left the Academy and Klaus didn’t have much to show for his life other than a felony drug conviction. 

(He didn’t think the fact that his record was sealed would matter much to Allison.)

He couldn’t find any record of Diego as a cop, which was initially worrying. When he didn’t turn up in any database, Klaus had combed through obituaries frantically looking for him, convinced the worst had happened and feeling horribly guilty for having thought that he had just abandoned Klaus. 

He eventually found reassurance in the form of an arrest record for trespassing and shaky phone footage posted to a martial-arts blog showing Diego punching some guy’s lights out at a boxing ring. Cop or not, he was alive, which was enough considering the lives that they led. 

And actually, whatever Diego felt about the matter, Klaus was personally a little relieved Diego wasn’t on the force. He’d never liked cops. They were a bunch of squares. Not to mention major assholes to those they considered lesser than themselves⏤ which as a homeless, queer addict and occasional prostitute⏤ Klaus had qualified as. No. If Diego wanted to be a hero, wanted to help people, he would do much better somewhere other than the police. Briefly, Klaus entertained the thought of Diego working with people like Rain and Lillian, the only real heroes he thought he’d ever met. But he was probably sick of dealing with druggies. Klaus wouldn’t blame him if that was true. He had no illusions about how intolerable he was. 

Luther was impossible to find beyond old articles about the Academy. The most recent one Klaus could find had been published a few months previously and mentioned remote action taken to stop a cyber hack on some investment company. It seemed like he was doing the same shit as usual, and perhaps even slightly removed from direct field action, which was a relief to Klaus. He still worried about Luther. His brother may be an asshole, but Klaus would hate to see him die. It was still his private hope that Klaus would be the next, even if being sober decreased the odds by a fractional amount. 

He found a small handful of articles that mentioned Vanya, mostly just her name on a list or two of instrumentalists playing with various orchestras. “Congratulations,” he told the screen gently when he saw her position as a permanent member of the St. Pluvium Orchestra. 

  
  


Briefly, Klaus thought about reaching out, but he ruled that it was unlikely that any of them would be interested in hearing from him. Especially Diego, who appeared to have given up on Klaus after all. 

That had to be the only explanation for why he hadn't come looking for Klaus.

***

As much as he knew it was unwelcome, a few days after seeing Allison's announcement, Klaus texted Susan to ask if she happened to have any good knitting patterns for baby clothes. She was delighted to send copies of everything she had along with advice on the best brands of yarn for delicate baby skin and her favorite parenting books, just in case he wanted to send them to Allison. When Susan's package arrived a few days later, the tiny hats and socks and sweaters pictured on the patterns melted his heart. Klaus hadn’t interacted with a baby in a long time and it seemed impossible that they could really be that small, but he figured he could trust Susan to know what she was talking about. 

He told himself the project was mostly just to have something to do to keep his mind off using, though he followed the news of Allison’s pregnancy closely, feeling somewhat creepy for it, even if they were family. 

He told himself it was just to make sure she was safe. 

He tried not to think too hard about the possibility of meeting the tiny human that would fit in the itty-bitty little clothing he made, trying desperately to keep his expectations low even as his heart longed to be hopeful. 

***

As he practiced, Klaus’s power had grown like any muscle. Without the artificial connection that the drugs forced him to maintain, Klaus grew more attuned with his powers. One of the most surprising things that he had come to realize was how much energy the dead gave off.

It was a reality-altering moment when Klaus first realized that, in part, the terror and dread he felt as a child when the dead surrounded him had come from the spirits themselves. He felt his own fear of course, but he also felt the imprint of the dead’s emotions as their auras, souls, essences, _whatever_ it was, made contact with Klaus’s own. That was how he knew what little cloud of mist was Ben, he just _felt_ it. Upon realizing as much, Klaus began to focus his attention on not only conjuring intentionally but on picking up the frequencies of the dead who reached out to him first. 

His first real “wild” encounter was with a spirit that seemed to inhabit the alleyway behind the thrift store. His first few shifts, Klaus hadn’t realized it was there as the ghost seemed to shrink back into the dark whenever someone passed by, becoming nearly indistinguishable from its surroundings. It was the feeling of it, over the sight, that Klaus first noticed. 

He felt the strange wash of sadness pass over him on the way into work one morning and stopped. At times, it could be difficult to tell what emotion was his own, such as when he and the dead were both panicking, but the emoting of the ghost was different enough from what Klaus had been feeling moments before that he knew it for what it was at once. Stopping, Klaus peered into the shadows. 

He had just convinced himself that he was imagining it when the shadow rippled. 

“Hello?” Klaus called.

The spot he trained his eyes on shifted again.

“Hello?” Klaus asked again, taking a small step closer. “I don’t want to hurt⏤”

“Hey! Morning, Klaus!” Darryl called, carrying a bag of trash out the back door of the shop. 

The spirit flew away into the dark faster than Klaus could track. He fixed his face into a normal smile, not letting his mix of nerves and frustration show through. “Morning.”

As Klaus headed into work, he cast one last glance over his shoulder in strange regret. It was almost annoying to have to start caring about ghosts other than Ben. 

***

It took him another three days to work up the courage to try and contact the ghost again during his lunch break. 

“Hello?” Klaus felt stupid talking to the dumpster. He bounced his legs in the chill. “Um… ghost? I’m not here to hurt you. I⏤ I want to help you.” He really didn’t know what he was doing. Grumbling, Klaus closed his eyes, taking deep breaths, the cold winter air sharp on his lungs with its ferocity. 

Just as he was getting ready to quit, Klaus felt it again, a small, almost shy brush against his own spirit. Klaus opened to see the mist stretching out from the shadows, inching closer as if it was afraid of Klaus. 

“I just want to help,” Klaus repeated. “Look, I’m not sure if I can or really what I’m doing, to be honest, but I’m here to talk to. If you want to let me see you.” He waited patiently while the shadow slowly crept closer to him until it was just an arm’s length away. 

“Is that a yes?” Klaus asked. There was no response, but he figured it was as good as, considering that the ghost didn’t leave. With great care, Klaus reached out to the spirit, allowing the veil between them to lift just enough to give the ghost a form. 

The woman materialized before him. She was tiny, probably under five feet tall and her enormous patched overcoat only emphasized her petite stature. Her long white hair hung loosely around her face, held only by her hat pressed snugly over her ears. 

“Hi,” Klaus greeted her cautiously. She appeared calm and wasn’t disfigured too badly in any way that he could tell. 

“Hello,” she cooed, her big blue eyes seeming to take up half of her face. 

“What is your name?”

“Mary.”

“Hi, Mary. I’m Klaus.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“We all know.”

“Wha⏤?” Klaus tried to process that but decided he didn’t have the time at the moment. “Can… Can I help you?” 

“My birds,” she told him urgently.

“What?” 

“My birds! I was the only one who cared for them, I was all they had in this cruel world. And now I can’t feed the little dearies anymore. I’ve been so worried they’re going to starve.”

“You stayed behind… because you’re worried about your birds?” Klaus asked slowly.

“I was all they had!” Mary insisted again. “I lived right here for ten years, but I’ve been gone for five now, and no one has ever once come to feed my birds. The poor things have been so hungry.”

“Okay,” Klaus wasn’t going to argue with a little old dead lady, especially one who had nothing to care for and no one to miss her but some fucking birds. “Would it help if I fed your birds?”

“Do you know how?” she challenged, her demeanor sharpening quickly. 

“Um… no? But you could show me?” Klaus wasn’t sure why he was offering, just that he felt he had to. 

Mary gave him a skeptical look. “Fine.”

“Okay,” Klaus assured her. “I need to get back to work, but tomorrow I’ll come back and we’ll feed your birds.”

“You need to bring the mixed seed,” she instructed seriously. “That way you can help the most birds at once.”

“Right. Mixed seed,” Klaus repeated. 

“Are you sure you can do it?” Mary asked. 

Klaus had to fight to keep from groaning. “I’ll do my best.”

“Hmmph.” Mary seemed satisfied enough by that and let go, dissolving back into mist. 

Klaus felt oddly empty for a moment. He rarely experienced a ghost who let go first and he could sense Mary’s absence, stinging momentarily like the skin after a band-aid was removed. 

***

Klaus brought the seed as promised, though Mary clucked her tongue at the brand. Apparently, Klaus was a cheapskate. He’d have to swear to do better before she entrusted her babies to him for good.

They stood together in the back alley during Klaus’s break, him throwing handfuls of seed down while Mary told him about the different types of birds. 

As the end of his lunchtime neared, Mary said quite suddenly and without any prompting, “Welp, I guess you will do.”

“Sorry, what?” Klaus asked, looking up from the finch he’d managed to get to land in his hand. 

“You’re a good soul, I can see that,” Mary said sagely. 

“Thanks?”

“You’ll do alright to take care of my birds. If you promise you’ll take care of them, and no more cheap seed bullshit either, you understand?”

“I⏤”

“Can you handle taking care of my birds?” Mary demanded. “Treat them nice, make sure they don’t get too hungry, keep them company?”

Klaus watched the bright red of a cardinal flit overhead. “Yeah, I think I can.”

“You think you can or you know you can?”

He huffed a short laugh. “I know I can.” He wondered what his therapist would say about him adopting a flock of wild birds from a dead woman. It was certainly a step above the small growing collection of houseplants he tended at home. 

“Good. Just know, if I find out you’ve gone back on your word young man, I will come back and haunt your skinny little rear. Understood?” Mary waved one of the long crooked fingers, tipped purple and black from frostbite at him. 

“Yes, mam.”

“Good. Remember, I never go back on my word. So don’t you do so either.” With that and no further ado, Mary was gone. 

After work, Klaus went out to buy the proper seed.

***

The hardest thing for Klaus to adjust to after rehab was how his friends were no longer all located under one roof together. The time in between leaving Healing Sage and Christmas had been short enough and busy enough that he hadn’t had time to fully register the change, but in the weeks and months afterwards he began to feel their absence more fully, although he still saw most of his friends on a fairly regular basis, it was much less frequent the all-day, everyday routine he had become comfortable and familiar with. 

The person he saw the least by far was Susan as she was mostly busy with her own children and life out in the suburbs. However, every few weeks she would send Klaus a handwritten letter in the mail, sometimes accompanied by little gifts. In the two months since Christmas, she had sent him a small collection of pretty rocks she’d found, a new leather bracelet to replace the battered ones that he still wore over his scars, a pair of knit slippers, endless home-baked cookies, and countless pressed flowers. They checked in on the phone with some irregularity as well, though a random text with a picture or a funny incident that had happened during their day was common.

Her affection for him had by no means lessened, but Klaus had to constantly remind himself of that fact. It was normal, he assured himself, for people to have their own lives, that Susan going a week without calling did not mean that she was abandoning him. 

He was not going to be abandoned.

Not again.

Klaus hoped that if he repeated the thought enough times, he would believe it. 

  
  


***

Occasionally on his days off, Klaus would take the train to the outer boroughs to see Daniel at the record shop where he worked. His boss was one the last remaining hippies (Klaus wondered if he, Lillian, and Rain all came from the same commune) and didn’t mind Klaus perching on the counter while Daniel worked, so long as the stock was properly sorted and customers were helped. 

As a perk, Klaus came to own an ever-growing collection of records that Joe, the shop owner, insisted that he needed to listen to. He’d also helped Klaus to repair an old player that he’d found in a junk sale for no reason other than he believed music was necessary to life and everyone deserved access to it. The player had earned a place of honor on top of the old wooden trunk that Klaus used as a combination nightstand, coffee table, and storage compartment. 

***

Though his connection to Pete was likely the person from rehab that he had the least in common with, Klaus had a standing invitation to drop by his bakery during lunch as it was located reasonably close to the thrift store. Whenever he did, there always seemed to be some ‘extra’ treats lying around that Pete was happy to send along with Klaus. He didn't often admit it, but his smile when Klaus came in was enough to show he was happy to see his friend. 

***

The closest of the friendships Klaus had made was with Lauren. Every other week, they got together and did each other’s nails while she caught him up on what she dubbed essential viewing⏤ which meant basically everything in pop culture that he’d missed being a teenage superhero. She’d gone back to work, though her hours were still very much reduced. They rarely spoke about anything too serious, having cleared most of those major hurdles while in rehab together. Instead, a comfortable understanding fell between them that did not need to be addressed. 

***

  
  


Three times a week, Klaus pulled up the obituaries, pouring over pages of the dead and scanning them for deaths that he thought would be more likely to leave a ghost. Most of the time they were young or died sudden, often violent deaths. Klaus was successful in contacting maybe a third of the spirits he reached out to. It was difficult to say if that was due to a failure on his own part, or if they had chosen to go On rather than stay. 

There were a few spirits who just wanted their bodies properly buried, some that said they would never be at peace until their killer was taken down, and still others who just wanted someone to hear their story and remember them.

He did his best to help all of them and made several more tip-offs to the police, though with varied success. A few people were arrested, but there were at least as many that he saw no response on whatsoever. It was a rewarding and frustrating endeavor in equal measures. Klaus, for obvious reasons, couldn’t submit a full play-by-play of everything that had happened leading up to the death of the ghost, but he needed enough details to be useful. It sometimes made it difficult to determine how much to include in his tip.

Klaus was able to help a handful of those he contacted move on, but there were those who were uninterested in his platitude and comforts. They did not want to hear that there was somewhere nicer to go on to, they were hell-bent on staying behind, trapped on the plane of the living out of everything from a sense of duty to those they left behind to a need to see the person responsible for their death brought to some form of justice or comeuppance. Still others simply were not ready, though they often appreciated Klaus's comforts. 

As with Mary, Klaus occasionally encountered a ghost by accident as he went about his business, not looking for anyone in particular. Such was the case with the spirit in the laundry room of his building. It was a desolate and gloomy place, the exposed pipes dripping lazily onto the cement floor. It was unanimously agreed upon by the residents of his building that the place was creepy, and Klaus had heard his neighbors mention that it made them feel like children again who were afraid of the dark and the noise the radiator made. 

He was sitting on top of the dryer, waiting for his cycle to finish, when the mist crept out of its hiding place towards Klaus. 

“Hey,” he greeted kindly as the ghost hovered near Klaus, “What’s up?” He tapped into his power, which after such frequent practice, sat ready on the surface of his consciousness. 

The ghost took form as a middle-aged man in a work jumpsuit. He was balding and had a bit of a spare tire forming around his waist where his tool belt was slung low on his hips. His embroidered name tag read Carl. “Hey, kid.”

“Hey.” Klaus waited for the ghost to begin asking questions or making demands of him, but Carl just smiled. “So…?”

“So?”

“What is your business?”

“My business?”

“Yeah. Like, unfinished business? Family that you’re worried about? A murder that needs to be caught?”

“Nope, stroke.”

“Any final messages you need delivered?”

“Nope. No one to leave a message with.”

Klaus was running out of his usual wheelhouse. “Okay, I don’t get it. What do you want?”

“Nothing really. I just got nowhere else to be.”

“You could go On.”

“Naw, I’m good.”

“But… you’re haunting a laundry room.”

“So?”

“So, don’t you think that there would be somewhere else that’s more, I don’t know, nice?”

“This is fine. I always liked fixing up old machines like this. Feels like home down here.”

“So what, you’re just going to spend eternity watching people do their laundry?”

“Sometimes, they listen to music down here, or make phone calls. That’s nice. Almost like talking to someone real again.”

Klaus had spoken to countless murder victims, suicides, and dead children, but that was one of the saddest things he’d ever heard. “You’re lonely,” he reasoned. 

“Would say so.”

“Then why not let go?”

He shrugged. “Got no one waiting over there neither.”

“Oh.” 

“Don’t look so beat up about it, kid. It’s alright. What I’m used to.”

“If you wanted,” Klaus offered cautiously, “I could talk to you? We can chat while I do my laundry.”

Carl beamed. “Aw, really?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Every week after that, Klaus would get his load started and sit on top of the folding table to chat with Carl. If anyone else came in, he would press his battered and outdated phone to his ear quickly, smiling pleasantly at whoever else had come to do their wash. 

No one could quite put a finger on what it was, but the whole building agreed that whatever the landlord had done had really fixed up the laundry room. 

“The whole thing just feels brighter," Klaus overheard one resident say as they balanced a basket of fresh clothing on their hip.

“About time,” another neighbor agreed. “It really needed that fresh coat of paint.”

“I thought it was new light fixtures?”

“No way, it was just a really good cleaning,” a third protested.

Klaus smirked to himself, glancing at Ben out of the corner of his eyes, struggling to stifle his laughter. 

***

Although Klaus's ability to connect with other spirits increased dramatically, his bond with Ben remained frustratingly stagnant. Despite all of his efforts, Klaus had still not managed to physically touch Ben for a second time. Ben assured him it was okay, but that did nothing to help the feeling of guilt that hung heavily around Klaus’s neck each time he saw the disappointment in Ben's eyes as his hand phased through Klaus's. It had been months, but it felt like his power was stagnating. After his rapid growth in rehab, it was more frustrating than any difficulties he had faced in the past. 

***

It was in March that Darryl asked Klaus to make a delivery for him, handing him the keys to his truck. Klaus hesitated for just a moment before he took them, but it was enough for Darryl to notice. 

"Sorry, I shouldn't thrown that on you. You okay with that?" he asked Klaus. "You feel comfortable driving my truck? It is kinda bulky."

"Well," Klaus started. " _I_ feel comfortable, I'm just not sure you should."

"What does that mean?" Darryl asked warily. 

"I _can_ drive," Klaus explained. "I just don't have a license."

"Oh, shit," Darryl nearly blushed. "Don't know what I was thinking. Sorry, kid. You lose it?"

"What? Oh! No! No DUI or anything. I learned how to drive, I just never took the test." Reginald hadn't deemed it necessary. If no one was going to stop the Academy from carrying out lethal action against criminals, they weren't going to get a traffic ticket for something as small as not having a license. 

"You want one?" Darryl asked.

"One what?"

"A license. I know not everyone in the city drives, but it can be a helpful skill. If you want to take the test, I'll help you practice for it."

Klaus stare at him. "Really?"

"Yeah. Sure. It's no big deal."

Klaus didn't know how to explain to Darryl that any form of kindness was a big deal to him. The idea that anyone would just... help him, for no reason at all, never stopped being any less absurd. "Thank you," was all he managed to say. 

"No problem, padawon," Darryl said with a grin. "Though, I am going to take those back for now," he said, plucking the keys from Klaus's hand. "Just until it's legal, alright?" 

"Fair enough."

Two months, four close calls, one speeding ticket, and, as Darryl claimed, no less than ten grey hairs later, (again, Reginald didn't exactly teach them traffic laws in Intro to High-Speed Car Chases) Klaus was the proud owner of a legal driver's license. When the DMV worker informed them, somewhat reluctantly, that Klaus had managed to pass with the lowest possible score, he'd been so excited he'd hugged Darryl on the spot.

Thankfully, he hadn't seemed to mind, and ruffled Klaus's hair like he was a little kid, brushing off his thanks with an affectionate, "No problem, sport."

***

In mid-May, Allison posted a picture of Claire, her beautiful, perfect daughter. Klaus stared at the image, imprinting it onto his memory. He was an uncle⏤ in a way. He doubted Allison would welcome him being involved in her immaculate life. There was no way he’d be considered a good influence on a kid, even if he’d finally managed to pull his life together in some way. 

He still downloaded the picture and had it printed off nicely, though that made him feel a little insane. But the guys at Walgreens could judge him all they wanted, he was going to keep what he could of his family close by. Klaus framed the picture and set it up on the trunk in his apartment next to the one that Susan’s daughter had taken of the five rehab friends at Christmas, and the cartoon Lauren had drawn that showed him lounging on the top of his kitchen table dressed in his best outfit. 

He went through the small collection of knitting he’d produced over the past months and found his best pieces, pale yellow booties and a matching hat. He still marveled at how tiny they were, double- and triple-checking to make sure his measurements were correct. 

Klaus selected the card to go with them carefully, spending over thirty minutes in the Hallmark store, pouring over the options obsessively until he found something suitable. He ended up settling on a card that simply said “Congratulations!” with an illustration of a mommy elephant and a baby elephant holding her tail. The inside was blank and Klaus painstakingly penned a small note, agonizing over every word.

_Hey Al,_

_It’s wild that you’re a mom now! That’s amazing! And, like, scary! Well, it seems scary to me, but you’re probably doing fine. I don’t doubt you or anything. I’m sure you’re going to do great._

He added a smiley face after that line. 

_Anyway, I wanted to say congrats and stuff. I know we haven’t really talked in a long time, but I miss you. I’m doing okay. Better than I have in a long time, really. It seems like you are doing good too, but I’d like to see you sometime and hear about it. If that’s okay._

_I made a gift for baby Claire! (Yes, I did actually make them. I knit now. It’s_ _very_ _punk.) I know babies don’t do anything, but I hope she likes it anyway._

_If you want to call or something, I’ll put my number below._

_Anyway,_

_Love you,_

_Klaus_

He wrapped the clothes carefully in tissue paper and packed them up with ribbon and a small sprinkling of confetti just for fun, placing the card on the very top. Klaus didn’t have any way to contact Allison other than through her publicly available information, so he settled for sending the package to her fan mail PO box. He decorated it on the outside with various doodles and the note PLEASE TELL ALLISON THIS IS FROM KLAUS, HER BROTHER. _Hopefully_ , he thought as he slid it into the mailbox, _whatever PA sorted the mail would carry his message across quickly._ He didn’t want Allison to think he’d ignored her.

Klaus had no way of knowing that the package never reached its intended receiver, that it ended its journey stuffed in a pile of screened mail deemed strange or unusual and thus unsuitable to be passed along to Allison’s desk.

Allison had no way of knowing that he sent it. Her most recent awareness of Klaus’s whereabouts had been when her lawyer discreetly informed her of his arrest, just in case she ever needed to make a public statement. 

The last time she’d thought about Klaus, it was to be thankful no one had noticed their connection, that Reginald had seemed to keep the story under wraps for, presumably, his own sake. Though her guilt for that did compel her to send Klaus a small stipend per month while he was incarcerated. She rationalized that she was helping, that she was there for him even if she was unwilling to write him and invite all of his mess into her shiny new life. She told herself she was drawing healthy boundaries. 

The guilt for not doing more weighed on her, but Allison took one look at her daughter’s tiny face and resolved that no part of her old life would come to taint Claire’s brand new one which had only just begun. Not even if Klaus needed her. She was a parent first now. 

When weeks, then months, passed without hearing from Allison, Klaus was disappointed (bitterly, achingly, disappointed) but he was not shocked. He knew he didn’t deserve to be in her life, not after he’d proven himself to be a failure of a brother with Diego. He especially didn’t deserve to be in her baby’s life. Still, he had gone and allowed himself to hope. 

It seemed like Reginald was right about him and what a fool he was. Klaus just never learned. 

***

"I have a date," Daniel said in a rush as soon as Klaus picked up the phone. 

"A date?” Klaus gasped dramatically. “Oooo! How exciting! With who?"

Klaus could almost hear the blush as Daniel answered. "This cute person who comes into the record shop a lot."

"Aww!"

Daniel laughed a bit. "Yeah, yeah it's super cute."

"Who asked who out?" Klaus asked, twirling the chord of the phone around his finger. 

"I gave them my number on their receipt."

"Daniel! So bold!"

"I know!" he squeaked. Klaus could practically hear his blush. 

"I'm so proud," Klaus said in fake emotion, wiping an imaginary tear. 

"I can't believe they said yes," Daniel groaned. 

"I can," Klaus assured him. "You're a catch."

Daniel laughed. "Thanks, Klaus." He paused then asked, more hesitantly, "Can I ask you a favor?" 

"Sure."

"Could you help me get ready?"

Klaus blinked. "Ready?"

"Like with picking out my outfit and stuff. I just… I don't have a lot of dating experience, like _actual_ dating you know? And I like this person. I don't want to mess it up. Plus you're like the most fashionable person I know so I thought you'd be able to help. If you're willing."

Klaus’s eyes were unexpectedly, genuinely, damp. Sure, he liked how he dressed, and none of his friends had ever made fun of him for it, but the compliment threw him. It was one thing to be permitted to be himself. It was another to be celebrated and admired for it. 

Daniel must have taken the momentary silence to mean Klaus was trying to let him down easy and scrambled to apologize. "If you don't want to, it's fine. I know you're busy and shit so–"

"Daniel," Klaus interrupted. "I would love nothing more than to help you get ready."

"Really?" The genuine hope and excitement in his voice filled Klaus was a pride he didn't know he could feel. 

"Honey, I've wanted nothing more in my life than to do bonding time like this. We are going FULL teen makeover movie here, but, like, without the shitty part where you lose your whole identity and style. Just the part were we try on a bunch of fun clothes and then you look super hot at the end. I promise, we are going to knock this kid's socks off."

  
  


When Daniel texted him a week later to thank him again and tell him the date had been a success, Klaus nearly glowed with pride. 

***

Spring shot almost too quickly into summer and Klaus found himself six months into his new life, unsure exactly how he got there, but more than happy to enjoy the benefits. 

He went to support groups and the therapist he was provided with via the program Rain had helped him join and talked about staying clean and building a life for himself. He knit and did yoga and made a habit of adopting the ugliest dying plants he could find at supermarkets or ditched and left for dead in dumpsters. He liked to joke to Ben that his powers extended to resurrection, but only for houseplants.

In comparison to his childhood as a superhero and his youth lived in raves, Klaus's current life seemed small and simple. But on most days, he liked it that way. It made meditating easier at the very least. 

In part of her crusade to introduce him to all of the pop culture he’d missed while playing superhero, Lauren lent Klaus the worn and battered copies of her favorite childhood book series. He’d been skeptical at first, unsure if he was willing to devote the time it would take to read thirteen books worth of material aimed at twelve-year-olds, but he found he liked the dark humor of them and it was rather amusing that one of the characters had the same name as him. Though at times, the books seemed almost too much like his own life, which gave Klaus weird weepy feelings watching those tiny children be hurt and lied to and abandoned over and over again by the people who were supposed to take care of them. 

(Not to mention the way his heart would do a strange flip-flop every time the narrator reminded him how much the siblings loved and cared for each other and would never ever abandon each other, even when they messed things up. He certainly didn’t tell Lauren he’d had to put the book down for a full day after he read that because the actual _children’s literature_ was simply too much for him.)

He wondered if something was wrong with him, that reading about the lives of fake children made him feel better about his own past. A bit less alone. Understood somehow. His therapist claimed that that was a normal response to fiction but Klaus was dubious. He was still somewhat of the belief that your truest emotions were meant to be kept for just yourself whenever possible. Dragging them out for therapy was bad enough, but willingly doing so on his own? Bizarre. Furthermore, while the act of reading made him feel comforted, the look on Lauren’s face when he told her that, actually, a lot of what happened to the Baudelaires wasn’t all that unrealistic, reminded him of what a fucking mess his life was and how Klaus would never quite manage to actually be a normal person, no matter how much time passed or how many therapists he saw. He’d always be just a little bit broken.

And so for those reasons, Klaus liked to keep his reading a private thing, shared at the absolute most with Ben. He was certainly too embarrassed to tell anyone else how he had stopped breathing as ran his finger gently over the quote, “The world is quiet here.” When Lauren asked if he was still enjoying the books, Klaus didn’t mention how that simple line made him feel safe as he looked around his little apartment where the only ghost was Ben, and he finally allowed himself to believe that the shrieking of tortured souls and his own painful pleas would forever be left in the dark of Reginald’s basement where they belonged. 

He certainly didn’t tell anyone, not even Ben, that he began to use those words as a mantra when he needed to calm down and remind himself that he was never ever going to be forced to go back to the pits of hell that was the Umbrella Academy. 

If he had nothing else, he had that promise. 

***

In August, Pete invited Klaus to come to his boxing gym. Now that he was in on the trick, Pete wanted Klaus to come and fight a few of the big shots so he could knock them down a peg or two. All in good fun, of course. 

Klaus declined, insisting that he was more interested in learning how to do a peacock pose than sparring. Fighting was a skill he preferred to use as a necessity rather than a pass time. Pete insisted that he take a flyer anyway. Klaus accepted to be polite, but tossed it without much thought, not even turning it over to see the fight advertised on the back⏤ a boxing match featuring Diego Hargreeves. 

***  
  


Fall crept around the corner as the letters from Susan became a bit less frequent, though never less affectionate. 

Pete moved bakeries, traveling a little further away from Klaus’s apartment, making the journey more impractical to take on the semi-regular basis they’d both become accustomed to. They sent an occasional text, but beyond that, they had more or less gone back to their own lives again, connecting only briefly at irregular moments in time. It was a little sad perhaps, in some ways, but they moved only where life took them.

Besides, Pete had told Klaus once that he could call if he ever needed help⏤ even if it was just moving to a new place. And not many people would volunteer that, so it had to speak for something. Klaus assured himself with this. 

Daniel grew busier with his new relationship, for which, of course, Klaus was happy for him. Really. Even if that meant they spent ever less time together. He still sent Klaus memes on a regular basis and the occasional photo of him and his partner JJ, so there was nothing to complain about. Klaus assured himself of that as well. 

Lauren was back to a full-time schedule and worked too much (of course), but their time together never lessened. It was just that the time between the days they saw each other sometimes felt too long, too empty.

His friendships were by no means weak. They were quite good in fact, stronger than he assumed many people’s were. It was just that, even after nearly a year, it still made Klaus uneasy to have them more than an arm’s distance from himself, as if they might stray too far and find something better than Klaus and decide to never return. 

He tentatively and vaguely brought the idea up in therapy and was assured that it was healthy to have personal space. That didn’t offer him much assurance. He was happy for his friends' success, but he couldn't help but feel left behind as they flourished and his life remained, granted, far better than it had been at almost any point in his life, but still far too small. Far too empty as he tried to make up for the holes were five other people should be and terrified of the creation of five more. In his mind, it was only a matter of time before his fears became reality.

Klaus was always left behind. 

What Klaus never told anyone (it was too embarrassing to admit) was that there were times at night when the faint sound of club music spilling down the street called to him. It filled his body like a second heartbeat, luring him to the places that he’d once considered the closest thing he had to a home. As he lay alone in his bed, curled around himself, Klaus sometimes wished that there was someone else to fill the empty space that felt so lopsided. 

(It really was unfair, homophobic even, that all the queer spaces in the city were strictly alcohol-based. How the fuck was Sober Klaus supposed to find other gays? Sure, he flirted with various customers at the thrift shop, but none of that ever went anywhere. Nor did his attempts to seduce the barista at his favorite coffee shop. Maybe Klaus just didn’t know how to pick up people when he wasn’t high. Or he just didn’t know the standards outside of clubs.)

When those nights came, Klaus was left caught off guard by the sudden aching loneliness that had always followed him, come again to rear its ugly head. He began to consider the assurance that, if he were to go to almost any club, he would find someone willing to keep him company. He would roll the odds in his mind, debating if the morning would come afterward filled with tender caresses or purple marks and teeth gritted against the ache. He would assure himself that he wouldn’t use, he had the will to stay clean, he just needed someone else to be with⏤ someone _alive._

How close he got to actually going varied. The night after Allison gave an interview stating she preferred to keep her distance from her family was published was one of the closest calls. Still, there was always something in Klaus, whether it was shame or an actual determination to stay clean, that kept him from stepping out of his apartment. He somehow found the ability to stop himself, sometimes half-way to the door, and forced himself to sit down right where he was. When that happened, Klaus crouched in his familiar meditation pose, hands and feet on the ground, and breathed until Ben came to him in the most solid form he could. 

On those nights, Ben kept himself between Klaus and the door, even if his body wouldn’t actually do anything to bar Klaus from leaving. Just seeing him there was enough. They talked for as long as Klaus needed to, sometimes until he fell asleep, metaphorically holding tight to each, keeping each other from blowing away into the blackness. 

***

On his twenty-fifth birthday, Klaus took the morning train uptown to Griddy’s. He ordered a Boston cream and a coffee and ate slowly, sitting at the counter, watching the customers come and go. He tossed his jacket across the chair next to him, saving it for Ben to have a place to sit. It had been years since he’d spent the day there, but every ring of the bell caused him to look up in the hope that it might be one of his siblings. Like they might be drawn there by some strange force that five people born in the same moment might share. Like his wish on his first birthday cake meant something. 

After an hour or two, Klaus grew tired of waiting and wandered out of the diner, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he rounded the corner. As he passed the back lot behind Griddy’s, Klaus noted the waitress, the one he recognized as having been there forever, was sitting on the torn-up car seat that functioned as a bench. They smiled at each other as he passed before she turned to toss a small handful of seeds on the ground. Klaus paused.

“Do you like birds?”

She looked back at him. “Yes, I do. Are you a twitcher?”

“A what?”

“A bird watcher?”

Klaus walked closer to her. “I guess. I don’t know much though.”

“Well,” she smiled tentatively, “I could teach you. If you would like?”

“Sure.” Klaus returned her small smile.

“Here,” she scooted over, patting the seat next to her. 

Klaus sat gingerly on the cushion next to her.

“See that one there?” she pointed to a small orange-bellied bird perched in the tree above them. “That’s a barn swallow, one of the most widespread birds in North America. Common, but still very pretty. That one is a male. Most times you can tell because they’re more colorful.”

“Really?” Klaus trailed his fingers over the pleats of his light pink skirt.

“Mmhmm. The boys are prettier so they can attract a mate. The girls have to be more neutral-toned so they are camouflaged while they sit on the nest.” 

“Oh. That’s… kinda sad. That the boys get to fly around being pretty and the mom has to stay tied down to the nest.” 

“You know, I hadn’t thought about it like that,” she said. “I suppose so. Though, hopefully, at the end of it all, she’ll have a nest full of chicks to make it all worth it.”

“But eventually,” Klaus countered, “they will all fly away too. If they live that long.”

She gave him a long considering look. “I guess so. But that’s nature for you, I guess. The circle of life goes on. Birds usually don’t live very long, so I suppose it matters less to them.”

“I don’t think so.”

“No?”

“It seems like if your life is very short, every minute matters more.”  
“Ah. I see. Well, that certainly is a good point. Perhaps people would feel that way, yes. But birds… I don’t think they have the same troubles that we do. They’re much closer to the heavens, maybe they know more than we ever could.” 

Klaus watched the swallow flit away on the light breeze. “Maybe.”

“Goodness, I can’t pretend to know much about all of that, though. Strange, how philosophical you’ve made me in such a short time. A quite interesting perspective for someone who says they don’t know much about birds.”

“I was left some,” Klaus explained. “There was a woman who lived by my work who cared for the birds, and she was worried that no one was going to help them after she died. I told her I would.”

“That’s very kind of you.”

He shrugged. 

“Might I ask you your name?”

“Oh, right. Sorry. I’m Klaus.”

“Nice to meet you, Klaus. I’m Agnes.”

“I recognize you,” he admitted. “I came here a lot when I was a kid with my brothers and sisters. It’s been a few years, but I remember you.”

“Oof,” Agnes groaned jokingly, “I’m old!”

Klaus laughed lightly. “I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that I’m very young.” He very pointedly did not think about being halfway through his twenties. 

She smiled. “Thank you, Klaus. It was so wonderful to talk to you. My lunch break is just about up, but if you’re really interested in learning more, you know where to find me.”

“Thank you. That would be really nice.” Klaus found that he meant it. 

“I’ll see you around sometime.” Agnes stood and Klaus followed. They shook hands and parted ways, her ducking inside the dinner and him wandering back up the street.

He spent the evening with Lauren, eating takeout and watching old spy movies while Klaus pointed out all of the times when the characters would have died in real life and critiqued their fight choreography. There was no big party that year, schedules conflicting and Klaus too afraid to ask anyone to make time for him, but she’d bought him a cupcake and placed a single candle in it. As they shared the dessert, Klaus found it didn’t matter to him the size of the treat, just that there was someone else there with him.

Even if they weren't there physically on the day, Klaus felt the presence of his other friends as well. A card from Susan was lovingly displayed near his bed and a newly knit scarf had been carefully draped over the hook on his door. Daniel had dropped by the day before with a record that he knew Klaus had been searching for, and Pete had called the day before that to say hello and offered to get Klaus in with a tattoo artist friend of his anytime Klaus wanted some nice work at a friends and family discounted price. 

His wish hadn't come true and it stung, but he wasn't totally alone and that softened the blow.

Klaus allowed himself to contemplate the idea that he may never be entirely alone again. 

It was a dangerous thought, but with every day that passed in which he didn’t lose his friends, the possibility seemed just a hair more realistic. 

***

As the leaves on the trees began to shrivel and die, Klaus found himself stuffing his apartment ever fuller with living plants. They spilled over the windowsill and nearly every other available surface, filling his home with lush greenery in every shade and a half-dozen types of bloom in a symphony of color. 

For the first time, Klaus looked around his room and found it brimming with more life than death. 

***

Klaus was accosted the moment he walked into NA on December second.“Happy one year!” Syd beamed while handing Klaus his chip. “Will you finally accept this now?”  
Klaus looked at the little gold coin cradled in his palm. He couldn’t say anything, but he nodded stiffly, a small, almost embarrassed smile curled around the corners of his mouth. 

“I’m proud of you,” Ben told him, peeking his chin over Klaus's shoulder to look at the charm. 

“Thanks.” The coin blurred as Klaus blinked back tears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:references to past animal cruelty, extremely brief reference to suicide 
> 
> ***  
> ALSO IMPORTANT: Due to this fic being fewer chapters than Lost in the Middle and said chapters being really fucking long in general, I will only be updating once a week. (Sorry!) I will see you next Monday!!!!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment as I have missed them so embarrassingly much in the time between finishing LitM and starting this fic. Yall spoiled me. And I really want to make a story that you all love and deserve. So let me know how I'm doing!!! (please?)
> 
> Much love,  
> Aye of Newt
> 
> [ My Tumblr ](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/)


	2. Unmoored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world is a sheer-faced cliff, Klaus is a rock climber, and what handholds he manages to find threaten to give way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at end
> 
> Hello!!!! I'm so excited by the response to chapter one! Thank you so much for all the love, I adore you all.
> 
> Please enjoy
> 
> (Oh and also send vibes/spells/energy/whatever. My computer needs a new hard drive so I'm hoping that the repair goes fast lol. Writing and editing is super annoying on my phone.)
> 
> <3

Passing the one year mark opened something up in Klaus. He realized that for the entire time he’d been outside of rehab, he’d been bracing himself, waiting for the whole world to go to shit, waiting for the moment when he would fuck it all back up again. Still, almost in spite of himself, he’d made it one whole year on his own without using. It was enough that he began contemplating the idea of trusting himself. 

The new year passed, and Klaus, ever so tentatively, ever so cautiously, set the goal that, by the end of the year, he would have found a way to connect to at least one of his siblings again. He truly did not hold much bitterness for their previous rejections, although they’d stung. Klaus understood why Allison never responded to his gift and why Diego had given up on him. But, surely, with a year of sobriety and stability to show them, they would see that he was serious about making things right. They would give him one more chance. That’s what family was for, if everything Klaus had been told was true. 

He wasn’t ready for that meeting yet, but on January second, Klaus flipped to the final page of his new calendar and wrote a goal on the very last square.

_New Years with the Family._

He’d committed to it. Now, he just needed to make it happen.

***

“How are you feeling like your adjustment is progressing, Klaus?” his therapist asked, her clipboard poised neatly on her knee. “It’s been,” she glanced at her notes. “Thirteen months since you've left rehab.”

“Good,” Klaus found himself replying before he fully considered it. 

“Really?” she asked, clear excitement breaking through her calm tone. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I still have like, no idea what I’m doing most of the time, but like, I think somehow… I’m doing it right?” He smiled almost shyly at her. “I think I’m maybe starting to figure things out. Just a little bit.”

She laughed. “I think you’re not quite giving yourself enough credit, Klaus. But I am happy to hear that you’re feeling more comfortable in the world again. Our whole mission here is to help people get back on their feet and it always makes me so proud when our guests do well.” 

Klaus ducked his head awkwardly and shrugged, still unused to even the smallest shred of praise. She smiled at him knowing, and gently prodded him to share his accomplishments for the week. 

***

"Christ, you two are adorable. Makes me sick," Klaus complained with obvious affection. 

JJ and Daniel startled from where they'd been leaning against each other, their hands intertwined. By the looks on their faces, they'd forgotten he was there. 

"Sorry," Daniel apologized, moving away from JJ. 

Klaus waved his concern off. "I'm not mad." He sighed. "Just jealous. I mean, look at me," Klaus gestured to himself with an elegant wave. "I'm too sexy to be so under-appreciated."

“I could set you up with someone,” JJ offered, their voice light but the offer still genuine. 

Klaus balked. Despite his joking, he hadn’t seriously considered dating for years. In actuality, he hadn’t really ever _dated_ at all beyond Jason. Of course there were times, especially in the past year or so, in which he missed having another person beside him. But the idea of actually going through the process of getting to know someone, and worse, letting them know him, was paralyzing. Logically, Klaus knew he would have to eventually do so if he didn't want to end up a spinster, but at the present he was honestly still occasionally startled by the idea that there were _any_ people at all who cared about him. A relationship was out of the question. 

He took too long to answer and JJ raised their eyebrows. “I know a really attractive sculpture artist who I think you’d get along with.”

Klaus blushed and shook his head, laughing awkwardly. “No thank you. I’m fine. I was just, uh, being dramatic. No need for that.”

“Are you sure?” JJ asked. “I know blind dates can be awkward, but I promise they’re a good sort.”

“I’m sure.” Klaus did his best to look relaxed as he answered. “I’m not… _ready_ for a relationship right now. But thanks.” 

JJ’s expression softened with understanding. “Any time. And if you change your mind, you know where to find me, right?” They smiled reassuringly. 

Klaus did his best to return the expression. 

"Klaus is fine," Daniel said, scratching his arm absent-mindedly. "He can find his own dates." With a glance at Klaus he added, "When he's ready."

At that, Klaus’s smile became a little more genuine. 

***

Klaus settled on the floor of his apartment, placing his tea on the coffee table. In the background, wavering strings filled the silence with mournful sighs. He'd see the record the last time he went to visit Daniel, who'd been too distracted to really talk to him much and so Klaus had spent a decent amount of time wandering into parts of the shop he usually didn't visit. Klaus had found himself in the classics section and began flipping through the stacks randomly. He'd nearly had a heart attack when he found the collection of violin concertos. The woman on the album cover had reminded him so much of Vanya, her long dark hair hanging loose around a pointed serious face. The more he looked, the less she actually looked like Vanya as Klaus cataloged the eyes that blue instead of brown, the jaw that was a little too rounded, and the nose that was a bit too short. Still, he'd found himself unable to leave it behind, feeling nearly guilty at the idea as if he were leaving Vanya herself in that dusty forgotten corner. 

Now, alone in his apartment, listening to the hauntingly familiar melody. He couldn't say for sure if Vanya had ever performed that particular piece, but it's tone and the lilting rhythm brought back memories of childhood and bitter isolation. 

For the hundredth time, Klaus thought of reaching out to her. As the track changed and an aching wail raised from the player, Klaus cringed into himself, the music bringing up complicated emotions. Vanya was a professional musician with a Master's degree. 

Klaus had a GED, a one year chip, and a job at a thrift store. What did he have to offer?

Seeing the distant look on his face, Ben sat down opposite Klaus, giving him a small smile of understanding. He didn't say anything, but he hesitantly reached out, carefully placing his hand over Klaus's. He put it down so slowly that for a fraction of a second Klaus thought it might actually work, but almost before he could complete the thought he felt the familiar rippling chill as Ben's hand fell through his. He stared at their merged hands, the faint outline of Ben's that he could see overlaying his and his ribs collapsed in on themselves, as the weight of guilt overwhelmed him. He looked up in time to see the look of bitter disappointment in Ben's eyes before he banished it with a weak smile.

"I'm sorry," Klaus whispered. The memory of his sins hissed down his neck all the things he should be apologizing for but couldn't bring himself to say aloud. _For not controlling my powers, for getting you killed, for keeping you here, for dragging you through my fucked up life, for failing you._

"It's okay," Ben told him, drawing his hand back to cradle it against his chest.

Klaus wished he could believe him. He wished he couldn't see the pain that Ben tried valiantly to cover up.

He knew he deserved to see it, the consequences of his failure. 

***

The sixteen months of assisted transition period that the program had granted Klaus was slowly drawing to close, and when they did, he would be out a therapist, a security system to hold him accountable, and, of course, a place to live. 

Klaus was nervous about all three, but he figured Ben at least would always be there to yell at him if he tried to use and he had free community support groups even if he couldn't afford one-on-one counseling anymore. What he was most concerned about was finding an apartment. 

Darryl paid decently, but it wasn’t enough for Klaus to afford a rent much higher than the subsidized amount he was currently paying. And with the other people that he employed, Darryl just couldn’t give Klaus more than thirty hours in the week. As February slipped into March, Klaus spent an equal amount of time flipping through obituaries as he did ads for roommates and apartments. He combed every website he could find for anything that was both in his price range and appeared suitable for human life. 

The pool of options was not large. 

He was speaking to Lillian about his predicament over coffee when she offered, “Actually, Klaus, I might have something to help.”

He blinked. “Really?”

“It’s not much, but one of the custodial workers at my studio is going to be retiring soon. She’s already pushed the date back to give us more time to find someone. It would only be maybe fifteen hours a week, but it pays twenty an hour. Obviously, it would have to be in addition to what you’re doing at the thrift store, but we can be flexible with that schedule.”

“Lillian, you don’t have to⏤”

She waved his protest off. “I’m being honest, Klaus. We really are looking for someone new. And it’s hardly a glamorous job.”

“I don’t mind. I just… really need it. Thank you.”

“No need.” Lillian smiled. 

  
  


Klaus took over at the studio in mid-March. Like Lillian had said, it wasn’t a very fancy job, he mostly just cleaned the floor and mirrors and bathroom. But Klaus found he didn’t mind that. He had done too much in his life to be snobby. He was the only person at the studio for the majority of his shifts, only overlapping with customers as they left after the last class of the day. Lillian showed him how to use the speaker system so he could play his own music and he passed the time quite easily. And, while coveralls were not quite his style, Klaus decorated his with patches and glitter and pins until they were suitably ridiculous and fun, something Lillian seemed to appreciate and approve of. 

What was most important, beyond making enough money to live, was that it was a space where Klaus was safe, and with Lillian there, he was happy. 

***

With a small loan from Lauren, he was able to make the security deposit on a new, though equally tiny, studio not far from Klaus’s original apartment. 

Thankfully, Pete and Daniel kept their promises of being there if he needed anything and were available to help when it came time to move. It was decided that the new place was close enough that a truck wasn’t necessary and they carried Klaus’s possessions by foot to the apartment in many, many trips. Lauren tagged along of course and scowled at Pete when he tried to take anything “too heavy” from her, pointedly lifting a crate of books higher on her hip and staring him down until he apologized. 

It took most of the day, but they finally finished hauling boxes near eight and flopped down amongst the jumbled mess, not bothering to start putting things away. As a thank you, Klaus ordered pizzas for everyone and they had a little picnic on the few feet of clear space on Klaus's floor, ravenous but any frayed nerves quickly soothed with food and rest.

They talked about good memories from their time in rehab and caught each other up on what was happening in their lives. To the pride and excitement of everyone, Pete showed the three of them pictures from his grandson’s birthday party. He’d finally been invited to meet him and couldn’t stop chattering on about how smart the toddler was. He confided that, with the relationships starting to heal within his family, Pete was considering leaving the city to be closer to his kids and grandchild. Even without the two of them being particularly close, Klaus was a little sad to see him go. But he understood. Pete had a family that needed him. That wanted him. 

He forced himself to be happy for him instead of bitterly jealous. 

To Klaus's disappointment, Daniel excused himself to go home early, puncturing the precious illusion that Klaus was back in rehab where his friends weren't able to leave whenever they wanted. 

Klaus bit down his clinging desperation, shaking his head at how pathetic he was and walked Daniel out, asking, "Is everything okay? You were quiet tonight." 

Daniel smiled. "Yeah. It's all good. Just busy with school and work lately. Kinda tired. But I promised JJ we'd spend time together tonight."

"Yeah? How are things with you two lovebirds?" Klaus teased, nudging him in the arm as they walked. 

"Good," Daniel nodded vaguely. He glanced down the street as he answered. "We're good."

Something about his tone seemed off to Klaus and he frowned. "Yeah?" he ventured cautiously, forgetting his own internal struggle for the moment. 

"Yeah." Daniel looked back at him and smiled again. "Like I said, I've been busy lately. Haven't been spending as much time with them."

"Ah," Klaus watched him carefully out of the corner of his eye. 

Daniel glanced down the street again, shifting anxiously. 

"Is everything okay?" Klaus asked again, more seriously. He hadn’t seen Daniel so quiet since their first days at Healing Sage before they’d even come out to each other. 

"Hm?" Daniel looked at him as if surprised he was there. "Oh. Yeah. Fine. It’s just, no offense, but I'm going to be late if I don't go. Sorry to cut this off though."

Klaus forced himself to relax. Daniel was just anxious to go see his partner. There wasn’t anything to be worried about. It was just his own paranoia, thinking that the world was out to get him. "You’re fine," he smiled. "Thanks again for the help."

"No problem," Daniel assured him with a vague smile, already beginning to turn away. 

"Have fun!" Klaus called after him. "And be safe!" he added teasingly, as he was an over-protective mother. 

Daniel laughed and raised a hand in acknowledgment without turning around. 

As he watched him disappear into the darkening night, Klaus shrugged off the prickling feeling of unease. Just because his family was fucked didn’t mean everyone who acted a little strange was going to go off the deep end. 

***

“So Klaus,” Ben asked, propping his chin in his hands. “What happened to reconnecting with the family? It’s been four months.”

Damn. Klaus knew it was dumb to tell him his resolution. Ben was too big on following through. “I’m working on it,” he said evasively.

“Uh-huh.” Ben did not look convinced. 

“Look, it’s just hard okay?” He played with the stack of bracelets on his wrists anxiously. 

Ben softened. “I know,” he said. “I’m mostly teasing you.”

“I know.”

“But,” he added. “I do think it’s a really good goal. I know how much you miss them. Especially Diego.” Ben paused. “And I miss them too,” he admitted. 

Klaus managed to look at him. “I’m sorry. I know you’ve been stuck with me⏤”

“Hey, that’s not what I said,” Ben interrupted. “For some inexplicable reason, I like you, Klaus.” He smiled, teasingly. “But I would like to see the others sometimes too. Now that you have your powers under control, maybe I can talk to them, even if you're interpreting for me?” It was very clear how hard Ben was trying to keep his tone casual as he asked. 

Klaus had to force down another wave of guilt. “Yeah. We can do that, Benny. For you, I promise.”

Ben smiled at him. “For you too though, right?”

Klaus returned the gesture weakly. “Right.” He sighed, deflating again. “It’s just harder than I thought it would be. Even, like, logistically. I don’t even know how to contact most of them. I could call the house, but I doubt Luther would want to talk to me.”

“Yeah,” Ben agreed. “Maybe don’t start with him.”

“And it’s hard to get through the layers of security around Allison.”

Ben hummed.

“And I have no idea where Diego even is.” _And he’s the one I’m most afraid to see,_ Klaus added silently. 

“Fair enough.”

“So I guess that leaves Vanya,” Klaus concluded. 

“And you know where she is,” Ben prodded.

“I do.”

“So what’s stopping you?”

Klaus thought of the last time he’d talked to Vanya and how she’d dismissed him for his weakness. Maybe now that he was in control of his powers, she’d see the value in him that even Klaus wasn’t sure was actually there, even if he didn't have anything else impressive to show with his life.

Klaus grimaced and admitted quietly to Ben, “I’m afraid.”

Ben’s shoulders slumped in sympathy and he came to sit next to Klaus, his arm so close it almost seemed to touch him. “I know,” he said gently. “But you’re not kids anymore. You’ve grown up and moved on. You’re so different than who you were back then, Klaus. And I’m sure Vanya is too. It’s time to let go of the past, don’t you think?”

Slowly, Klaus nodded. “You’re right. This is immature. We’re adults, right?”

“Right.”

Klaus rubbed a hand roughly across his face. “God, Vanya would think I’m an idiot, getting so absorbed in stupid drama from when we were teenagers.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it, Klaus,” Ben admonished. “I’m sure she’d think you’re an idiot for lots of reasons.”

Klaus made a face as he flipped him off, hiding the way he wanted to smile at Ben’s teasing expression. 

With some trepidation, he managed to secure a ticket to the next big concert Vanya’s orchestra was putting on. He marked out the date at the beginning of May and began practicing what he would say to her at the stage door. 

He doubled back to the calendar to scribble a reminder to get flowers. They were going to be the least he could do as a peace offering after crashing his way back into her life uninvited. 

***

Klaus was walking home from work in late April, less than two weeks before he was scheduled to see Vanya perform, when he saw the display in the bookstore window. It was the picture that first caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. He stopped, confused, assuming his mind had played a trick on him as it had with the album. It just made no sense that Vanya’s childhood face would be on a book. He was convinced that he was seeing things because he’d been thinking about her so much of late. But as Klaus drew closer, it became clear that it was no optical illusion. 

He read the title with stunned disbelief. 

_Extra Ordinary: My Life as Number Seven._

“Holy fucking shit,” Klaus and Ben spoke in almost perfect unison. 

  
  
  


Klaus took the book home and placed it on his table. He sat and stared at it, his fingers folded in front of him.

Ben sat to his left in a mirrored position. “Are you going to open it?” he asked. 

“I don’t know.”

While it was closed, Klaus could pretend that it didn’t exist.

He wished it didn't exist.

_Speaking of unresolved conflict from their teenage years…_

Maybe springing himself on Vanya wasn’t such a good idea after all. Klaus hadn’t read the damn thing yet, but he could only assume that whatever Vanya had to say wasn’t exactly peaches and cream. No, the back cover alone was enough to tell him that. But still, he couldn’t bring himself to open it and confirm his fears.

Klaus was already bitterly aware of a hundred ways he had failed his family. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear a hundred more. 

In the end, he put it on his trunk and covered it with Lillian’s botany book. It would keep for the time being.

***

As much as he wanted to completely ignore the book’s existence, Klaus couldn’t help but follow the press for it, for his safety if nothing else. He realized with a small degree of horror that he may need to relocate if his entire life was exposed to the media. Which would be unfortunate considering his newfound stability. 

There was an initial surge in interest and coverage of the book, with review phrases like _unflinching examination of the impact of childhood neglect_ and _will force you to confront questions of morality_ and even _the truth behind child soldiers in America_ nagging in the back of Klaus’s mind. 

All the same, he did his best to plow onwards with his normal life. He went to work like nothing had happened, though the first few days he approached the building carefully, just in case anyone was waiting for him there. When it appeared that no one knew where he was, or at least, no one cared enough to harass him, Klaus began to relax, at least in the grander sense.

He still did not look forward to having to discuss it with anyone in his personal life. 

***

The day after the book hit the news, Lillian called him into her office before his shift started. She sat him down and very carefully began, “Klaus, do you want to⏤?”

“No,” he told Lillian quickly. Then more gently, he added, “But thanks.”

“Okay,” she agreed. "But if you change your mind–"

"I know where to find you," Klaus finished. "Thanks."

She smiled kindly and left it alone.

***

It took twenty minutes for Klaus to lose his patience with the awkward side-glances and stiff small talk that Lauren made, not unsubtly trying to avoid the topic of the book. 

“Oh my god, just ask me,” he finally cried. 

She blinked over-innocently, widening her eyes. “What? I don’t know⏤”

He looked at her flatly. “Lauren.”

She broke far faster than it seemed like a lawyer should. “Okay, fine. I read the book! I’m sorry.” Lauren looked down like she was bracing herself. 

“Okay." Klaus waited for the rest of it.

“You’re not mad?” 

“Not really? I mean, I pretty much expected that.”

“Oh.”

“What? I am also a nosey bitch, I didn’t expect anything else.”

She laughed. “Is it okay if I ask you a question about it?”

“Sure, but I haven’t read it.”

Lauren stared. “Wait. Really?”

“No. I just⏤ I’m not ready.”

“Okay,” Lauren said gently. “We don’t have to talk about it then. When you are ready, just remember that I’m here, okay? Don’t try and deal with all of that alone.”

“Okay,” he said quietly.

Lauren gave his hand a small squeeze and went back to his nails, striking up a conversation about the juicy drama she’d heard in the break room earlier that week. 

As she spoke, Klaus allowed himself to relax, assured for a hundredth time that she cared about him and not his ability. 

***

Officially speaking, Noah wasn’t his therapist anymore (Klaus actually didn’t have a personal therapist anymore), but he still called to check-in. “Klaus,” he warned after Klaus explained he hadn’t read the book. “Avoidance is not a healthy coping mechanism. Remember, we need to confront our demons to work through them.”

“Right.”

“Would it help you to have someone to read through it with you?”

Klaus sighed. “Do I really have to do it now?”

“No, you can have more time if you need it. Just remember it’s not an option to never do it.”

“Right.”

“I know you don’t like me right now Klaus, but healing isn’t always easy.”

“Right.”

Noah laughed a little bit. “Alright, I can see that now isn’t the right time to process this. You are not ready. Just think about what I said, okay?”

“Okay.”

Klaus hung up with every intention of not thinking about it.

***

“So,” Darryl asked, approximately two weeks after the book came out. “You can talk to dead people? _Sixth Sense_ style?” 

“Essentially.” Klaus braced himself for the reaction.

“Bitchin.” He paused. “Though I guess… not?”

“Eh.” Klaus shrugged, hoping Darryl would pick up on his unwillingness to talk about it.

Apparently, he did. That was the end of the discussion. And oddly enough, the last time anyone asked him about it. Perhaps Lauren or Lillian had said something. 

Daniel never even brought it up with him at all. Klaus assumed (hoped) that it was because he knew Klaus well enough to know he would never want to talk about it. He actually hadn’t heard from Daniel much lately at all. Klaus reminded himself that he didn’t actually want to talk about the book so there was no reason to be upset that Daniel didn’t check in on him. Klaus hated being pitied. (He ignored how much he liked being cared for.) Everything was fine.

Klaus went on with his life, very firmly not thinking about the book or anything that might be in it. 

***

Seeking refuge from the insanity that had crept its way back into his peaceful life and having spent a great deal of time thinking about his childhood of late, Klaus took the train to Griddy’s. He found Agnes in their usual spot and offered his birdseed in lieu of a greeting. 

Despite not really knowing anything about him, Agnes knew Klaus well enough to see that he really didn’t want to talk. She let him sit quietly and watch the birds while she murmured facts about their migration patterns and how sunlight changed the colors of their feathers. Her soft voice and calm energy was what Klaus needed and when it came time for her to go back inside Klaus thanked her. 

She didn’t ask him what for, just smiled and told him he was welcome to join her whenever he wanted, just as she always did. 

***

“Hey, Danny boy!” Klaus cheered as he answered the phone, a rush of cheer spreading through his chest at the familiar voice on the other end. “Long time no call.”

“Yeah. I know. Sorry.”

The smile slipped on his face at the sound of Daniel’s tone, flat and lifeless. “Everything okay?” Klaus asked, tightening his grip on the receiver. 

The silence from Daniel that answered was ominous. In the background, Klaus could hear the muffled sound of music and voices and the occasional rumble of traffic. 

“Daniel?” Klaus pressed, his voice pitching up in concern. “Where are you?”

“Everything is fine,” he finally answered, not at all convincing. 

“Daniel.”

“What?”

“Buddy.”

“I’m fine, really. I⏤”

“Come on. I can tell something isn't right.”

He signed. “It’s just… I uh…” he struggled to express what he meant to say. 

“Are you hurt?” Klaus asked, the obvious problem suddenly occurring to him with a rush of panic. He looked around for his keys, his grip on the phone tightening. “I can get a cab and be there in… as fast as a cab can go. Where are you?”

“No! No, I’m fine. Don’t come here.”

“Where is there? Are you safe? I can hear background noise and it doesn’t sound⏤”

“I’m on a payphone. I’m fine. I just went for a walk. It’s fine.”

The more he said he was fine, the less Klaus was convinced. “You’re obviously not okay. I don’t know what’s going on but⏤”

“I had a fight. With JJ.”

Klaus paused. “Oh?”

“Yeah. I uh, I was a dick to them. I just feel bad. That’s all.” 

Klaus set his shoes down. “What happened?”

“Nothing major. It’s dumb really. Don’t even know why I called you. I just forgot about a date we had planned and they were upset. We didn’t even break up or anything major. I just feel bad.”

“It sounds like a mistake,” Klaus comforted awkwardly. Bless Daniel’s faith in him, but he really wasn’t the person to go to for relationship advice. “I’m sure if you apologize, JJ will forgive you.”

“Yeah,” he agreed quietly. “You’re right. Thanks. Sorry for calling.”

“Hey, wait!”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t sound okay, kiddo.”

“I’m just tired, Klaus. You’re probably right. I’m just overreacting.”

“I can still pick you up,” he offered. “You can come spend the night here and we can talk. If you want.”

“No!” Daniel said too quickly. “No. It’s okay. I should actually go back to my place. I don’t think leaving did anything to help how upset JJ was. I need to talk to them.”

“Okay,” Klaus said slowly. He didn’t know enough to argue with that point. “If you’re sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“Hmm.”

There was a tiny catch of breath on the other end of the phone and Klaus pressed the receiver more firmly to his ear, waiting.

“Klaus?”

“Yeah?”

“Uh, I⏤” Daniel stopped himself. 

“Yes?” Klaus whispered, an unnamable panic deep in his bones that screamed of wrongness. 

“I uh, just wanted to say thanks. So thanks.” Daniel said in a rush. 

“Yeah, sure, it’s no problem,” Klaus said, somewhat thrown. “But it sounded like you wanted to say something else and⏤”

“I need to go,” Daniel interrupted. “JJ is probably worried and I’ve already been an asshole tonight. I should go. Sorry to call so late.”

“Daniel, it’s fine. I’m just worried that⏤”

“Bye, Klaus.”

Before he could say anything else, Daniel hung up the phone, leaving Klaus with nothing but the tinny sound of static and concern clenching his gut. 

He didn’t get much sleep that night, worrying his thumbnail between his teeth and playing with his bracelets until his wrists were rubbed red.

The picture that Daniel sent him late the next afternoon of him and JJ cuddled on the couch, them with their head on his chest and appearing to be napping, calmed Klaus somewhat. They both looked fine and Daniel had thanked him again for calming him down. 

He pushed down the nagging feeling of unease as his own paranoia. 

***

Klaus settled onto the middle of his mat, closing his eyes while he let his hands rest next to his feet on the floor. He began to steady his breath, counting slowly each inhale and exhale. 

_In._

_And out._

_In._

_And out._

The now-familiar tingling sensation began to creep through his fingertips and Klaus smiled slightly to himself, tapping into the power. It thrummed like a second heartbeat up and down his arms, circling into his chest. He grounded his bare feet firmly. When the power clicked into place, becoming in tune with the rhythm of his body, Klaus opened his eyes.

He had never seen it himself, but Ben had told him that when he was truly attuned with the dead, Klaus’s eyes had a strange silver-blue glow to them. Klaus assumed it matched the faint trendels of power he could see around his hands. As always, he watched the light for a moment, still astounded by its presence, even after years of using his powers sober. 

Klaus took a quick look around the room for any spirits that had sought him out. The room was empty but for Ben. 

“Looks like it’s just us, Benji.”

“What do you want to work on?” he asked, coming to sit down across from Klaus. 

“Idk.”

“Klaus, what did we say about using text lingo in actual human interaction?”

“It’s humorous and endearing?” 

Ben looked at him flatly. 

“Come on, Benny. Lighten up. You’re so gloomy.”

“I’m dead.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “That card is getting a little over-played there, brother mine.”

“It’s the ultimate trump card. Who can blame me?” Ben smirked in self-satisfaction. “It’s all I have, Klaus.” He pouted dramatically.

“Oh fuck off. What do you want to do?”

“Field trip?”

Klaus groaned. “Fine. Let’s go see if we can find ourselves a dead friend.”

Ben made a face at Klaus’s terminology but still bounded up to wait by the door, so he couldn’t have been too bothered. “Come on.”

“And you say I act like a toddler.” Klaus didn’t quite manage to hide his amusement as he followed Ben down the stairs of his apartment and into the golden day.

  
  


***

For almost two months, Klaus managed to ignore the existence of the book and drown himself in the distractions of everyday life, clinging to his sense of normality that kept his life stable and safe. It took one call to bring it all shattering around him.

Klaus answered the phone, holding it to his ear with his shoulder as he put his laundry away.

"Klaus," Lauren said.

Distracted, Klaus didn't notice the darkness in her tone. “Hey, so I was thinking that we should get lunch or something this weekend after we do our nails. I’m thinking sushi or⏤”

“Klaus,” Lauren repeated more firmly. 

“Hm? What?”

Lauren breathed shakily. 

Klaus’s body went cold. "What's wrong?"

“Did you hear about Daniel?”

The hair on the back of his neck stood up. “No.” Klaus had seen enough in his life to know that that tone of voice and that question meant nothing good.

“Klaus, he OD’d."

The world was torn out from under him. Klaus took the phone back into his hand as he dropped the clean shirt he was folding onto the floor in a crumpled heap.

Lauren continued, "He’s alive, but,” her voice hitched. “He’s in rough shape.” 

“What?” Klaus asked, barely able to process the weight of information he'd just received. "When?"

“Last night. I heard from Lillian this morning.”

“But, I don’t⏤ ” All sense of logic was gone as Klaus tried to connect the pieces of what Lauren was telling him to the boy he knew. “Overdosed?” he repeated. “Like, _overdosed_?” 

“He started using again.”

_“When?”_

“No one is sure. If I had to guess? I still don't know but JJ said that their relationship was struggling for the last month or two.”

Nausea and memory rose in Klaus as the guilt began pouring down his throat, choking off his air. He knew, _he fucking knew_ , that something was wrong. And he didn’t do anything and now⏤

Lauren was still talking as Klaus spiraled, “He was acting strangely but they didn’t realize⏤”

“What was he taking?” Klaus didn’t know why he needed to know.

“Could have been multiple things. But last night? Coke.”

Klaus closed his eyes. _“Fuck.”_

“I know.”

Klaus wiped his cheeks, hot tears burning streaks down them. “Do… do you know if it was intentional?”

Lauren was surprised into silence for a beat before she answered. “Everyone has been treating it like an accident. There was no note or anything like that.”

There was nothing else that Klaus could think to say. He only managed to nod, not thinking about how Lauren couldn’t see him.

They sat in silence for a long time. There were no words to say.

  
  


Finally, Klaus regained some composure and asked, “So now what?”

“He’s in the hospital right now. I talked to JJ briefly before I called you. He, uh, hasn’t woken up yet. If, _when_ , he does, he’ll have to go to treatment again. Eventually. Whatever happens,” it was so obvious how she was struggling to keep her voice steady as she spoke. “He’ll need to be in the hospital for a while.”

Klaus’s whole body felt wrong, too tight and off-balanced, almost like he was trying to walk with the dead and his consciousness was straining to get out of his physical form. He wanted to ask a million questions that he knew Lauren didn’t have the answers to, _why_ being chief among them. Instead, the only logical course his brain managed to take was how unbelievably freakin expensive that of all sounded. 

He muttered as much to Lauren, tugging at his hair as he clung to having something to do just to keep his mind off of the possibility that he could lose yet another person he loved. 

“I have…” Klaus calculated what was in his bank account, “Not a lot, but I can help.”

“Klaus,” Lauren said gently. 

“I want to help.”

“I know, but⏤”

“I know I’m poor, Lauren,” he snapped a bit harsher than he meant to. “I just⏤” his voice cracked. “I just need to help.”

“That wasn’t what I was going to say,” she placated gently. “I just wanted to say that it's not your responsibility, although I’m sure JJ will be very grateful.”

“I have to call them.”

“Okay, just, if you need anything, call me, okay? And I’m sure the rest of the group is going to be wanting to visit him. We’ll put a plan together to see him. So be looking out for a message about it.”

“Thanks.” Klaus didn’t put much effort into sounding okay. “I have to go.”

“Okay,” Lauren said again, thick with emotion. “I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

He didn’t answer before handing up. Klaus stared at his phone in his hand like it was a foreign object not attached to him, disassociated from his limb as everything around him just dissolved. 

“Klaus?” Ben asked, worry bent between his eyes. “What happened?”

“Fuck!” Klaus screamed, hurling his phone away from him. He collapsed down onto the floor, burying his hair in his hands, his head bent low over his knees.

“Klaus!” Ben knelt quickly beside him. “What is going on? You need to talk to me. What happened?”

“Daniel overdosed.”

He’d never spoken to Daniel directly, but Ben knew him at least as well as Klaus did. The heartbreak was evident in his voice. “I thought he was clean?”

“He was. Then he wasn’t.”

“But⏤”

“Ben, you’ve seen addicts. You've seen _me_. You know it happens.”

“I just thought… he was okay.”

“I know.”

“Fuck,” Ben sighed. 

“He might die,” Klaus whispered. 

Ben’s breath hitched even if he didn’t need to breathe. 

“He’s in a coma or something.”

“Jesus. Are you okay?”

“What? Why wouldn’t I be?” Klaus asked, still hunched over in what was essentially a fetal position, rocking himself back and forth. 

“You don’t look okay.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m just worried about you.”

“I know. But isn’t this our life, Benny? Where anyone can just fucking die at any fucking time? It’s honestly a shock I’ve made it this far. That five of us made it this far. No offense.”

Ben took a moment to process that. “You’re right. It’s unfair. It _was_ normal to us, in a way, because we fought to the death on a regular basis. But Daniel is just a college kid. He’s not confronting bank robbers or mad scientists. He shouldn’t die so young. But⏤”

Klaus cut him off. “I know. And isn’t that what makes this so fucked up? I thought that the part of my life where anyone could just… be _gone_ was over.” 

“He hasn’t died yet,” Ben tried to comfort him. 

“Ha. _Yet,_ ” Klaus said hollowly. “See Benny? Even you know it’s pointless. He’s going to die because all good things die. That’s why you died. In the end, only trash and cockroaches are going to remain. And that, my dear dead brother, is why I’m still alive.” 

Klaus’s wild laughter at the absurdity of his life turned to harsh sobs as he went boneless. Ben huddled as close as he could and they sat on the floor for a long time, Klaus crying until he couldn’t anymore, finally going still, staring blankly at the wall. He didn’t feel the way the hard floor dug painfully into his knees. 

Ben’s attempts to calm him, assure him somehow that all hope was not lost and that he was not worthless, did nothing to help. Eventually, he gave up, his pleas for Klaus to realize his own worth turning to repetitive murmuring platitudes.

“You’re okay. You’re okay. It’s going to be okay,” Ben told him again and again and wished that he could believe it. He hadn’t felt so helpless since he watched Klaus detox in jail and was unable to do anything to sooth his pain. 

When it seemed like Klaus had exhausted himself, Ben carefully suggested he move somewhere more comfortable. Like a puppet tugged by tangled wires, Klaus rose and walked softly to the bed, all but collapsing into it. Ben took up residence by his side, his silent presence a comfort and reassurance. Klaus dropped off to sleep easily despite it being still early in the day, exhausted. 

Later, he would call JJ and offer what little he could. They accepted without much hesitation, perhaps because they were too far into shock to do anything else. 

***

When Klaus and the rehab group finally went to see Daniel two days later, he had still not woken up. Things were looking particularly grim. The longer he went without waking, the less likely it was that he ever would. 

The four former residents and Lillian met in the lobby of the hospital, exchanging brief hugs and muted hellos, an energy of worry hanging heavy and somber around them. As they made their way up to Daniel’s room, Lauren held Klaus’s hand, apparently noticing how close he was to falling apart, or perhaps to keep herself from disintegrating. 

The scent of bleach and barely concealed disease was so prominent in the air that Klaus almost choked on it. The stark white of the halls sent screeching warnings of danger down his spine until his whole body was stiff against the urge to flee. Medical equipment of any kind made him nervous, it forever associated in the fabric of his body with Reginald and the torture chamber of their basement, but as they wound their way through the hospital, other memories rose in his mind. 

Maybe it was just that all hospitals more or less look the same, but the landscape was hauntingly familiar and Klaus was struggling to keep from falling into thoughts of the last time he’d been in a hospital after his own overdose and his panicked flight from the clutches of Reginald. 

The desire to run drew the muscles in his legs tight and he had to force himself to keep walking deeper into the hospital. 

Too soon they were in Daniel’s room. 

He lay still and so deathly pale in the bed that Klaus reached out for a spirit on instinct, thinking that they were too late. The relief when he found nothing was indescribable. 

JJ rose from the chair that they'd been slumped in to greet the visitors, exchanging hugs with those they knew and handshakes to those they had only heard about before that point. Their blue-green curls were tangled and unkempt and their clothes rumpled. They didn’t look like they’d gone home or slept since Daniel was admitted. 

Dimly, Klaus passed them the potted plant he’d brought and immediately wished he’d just come empty-handed because of how pathetically unhelpful the gift felt. Still, JJ uttered a thanks and put it beside the bed. The cheery yellow of the flowers looked mocking in the grim starkness of the room. 

After the introductions, the group fell silent. The beeping of the monitors was far too loud in the ringing empty air as they did nothing but sit and watch as Daniel breathed. 

Klaus tracked every rise and fall of his chest, waiting for the moment when they would stop and he would slip from the grasp of the world into the realm that only Klaus could see. 

Klaus felt differently about death than many people did. He knew what happened to someone, more or less, and so it removed one the biggest mysteries from the situation. To Klaus, death was not so far removed from life. Even those that passed on who he was not able to easily access were not as gone to Klaus as they were to other people. He at the very least had the assurance that they did not cease to exist. He knew that people’s souls (or whatever exactly they were) continued on in some fashion. He thought of death as not the end, but the next place to go. In many ways, he was not afraid of death.

In other ways he was terrified of it.

Although his control over his powers had increased dramatically, Klaus was still far too familiar with the terror that ghosts could inspire, if only because they could tell exactly how terribly, awfully, painful and lonely a death could be.

No, Klaus was not afraid of being dead. 

He was afraid of dying. 

He was afraid of those he loved suffering through pain and fear.

He was afraid that Daniel would choose to stay behind and suffer the eternal torment of watching life happen without him. 

He was afraid that Daniel would move On and Klaus wouldn’t be able to tell him how sorry he was for not seeing the signs, for failing him. 

He was afraid that Daniel would stay and Klaus would have to tell him to move On and be at peace.

He was afraid he wouldn’t have the courage to help him pass over and be guilty of keeping another soul damned to the torture of being a ghost.

He was afraid he would have to lose Daniel twice. 

After almost an hour of the tortured silence, Klaus couldn’t stand it anymore and stood, excusing himself to use the bathroom. He made it roughly halfway down the hall before sagging against the wall, taking ragged breaths as he fought to keep from devolving into a panic attack. He only registered the footsteps behind him the moment before Lillian spoke. 

“Klaus?” she asked, her voice just above a whisper. “Are you okay, honey?”

He was too tired to lie. “No.”

Carefully, Lillian held out a hand and Klaus took it, squeezing once. “We’re all very worried right now,” she said. “But we can’t give up hope yet. Daniel is a fighter. You’ve seen him, Klaus. You know he can do it.”

He shook his head. “I thought I did. I thought he did. But now…” Klaus couldn’t find the words. “I just don’t understand.”

“Klaus,” she reminded gently. “You know how difficult addiction is.” 

“I know but Daniel is different. Special. He’s so _smart._ ” His thought, _Not like me_ , went unsaid. 

“I know he is,” Lillian agreed, her voice heavy. 

“And everything was coming together for him,” Klaus added, lost in the confusing cascade of upturned expectations. _He’d just been accepted into a really nice school. He had JJ. He had a job he liked. He had a home. He had a future._

“It may have seemed so, but Daniel had a very difficult childhood, Klaus. Sometimes… people feel like they won’t ever recover, so they make sure that they won’t. Whether they do it on purpose or by unconscious self-sabotage doesn’t make a difference. The ending is the same. And it breaks my heart,” her voice shook as she forced herself to finish, “but it happens all the time.”

“How do you know if someone is going to be okay for real?” he asked in pleading desperation. 

“I don’t. I just have to hope and help as much as I can. And Daniel is not beyond hope yet. There are still more chances left. As long as someone is living, there are chances left. When he gets better physically, I will offer him a residency at Healing Sage again. I already talked to Rain about it. We’ll start over. We will try again. We will hope again, Klaus. And we will keep fighting until we cross the finish line.”

Klaus didn’t know what to say to that. He didn't know if he had much hope left in him.

“Daniel needs our support right now, Klaus,” Lillian said. “We need to be there for him. Do you think you can do that?”

Logically, Klaus knew that Lillian was trying to make him feel useful and give him something to do to keep from falling apart. Or perhaps he would have been able to see that if his thoughts were any further from the familiar wells of self-loathing that pitted his mind. Instead, all Klaus heard was the accusation that he had already failed. Daniel had needed him and Klaus hadn’t been there. 

“Can you give a minute? Please?” Klaus asked, not looking at Lillian as he spiraled into oblivion. 

“Of course,” she said, rubbing his arm gently. “I’ll see you back there in a minute okay?”

He made some vague noise of agreement and Lillian went back into Daniel’s room. 

For a moment, Klaus stood in the hallway, his head pounding and his heart barely beating as the crushing weight of his failure forced the air from his lungs. Then, with one last glance at the door, he turned the opposite direction, slipping out of the ward and towards the exit, leaving his friends behind.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: drug overdose, asking if the overdose was intentional (it wasn't)  
> ******
> 
> Look. I am sorry. Really.
> 
> I know a lot of people have said that they feel comforted by the positivity and recovery aspect of this fic so if you need to know how Daniel is doing/what's going to happen I will tell you if you [send an ask](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/ask) but I don't want to put too many spoilers in the notes for people who like a surprise
> 
> Knowing that people genuinely find this fic helpful or healing is kinda crazy but I take that really seriously and I want everyone to feel safe and okay!!!!! This fic should be enjoyable, not overly stressful/harmful
> 
> Love,  
> Aye of Newt


	3. Delusive Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old wounds are opened and fresh bandages are applied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at the end
> 
> Hello!  
> I hope everyone had a great (or at least tolerable) holiday season, whatever you may celebrate! As a gift, you can have this chapter a couple hours early. 
> 
> Please forgive any weird typos or formatting. I edited it on my phone for the most part because my computer won't be back until tomorrow and I didn't want to delay my update! *EDIT* Thank you so much to [ siriuspiggyback](https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriuspiggyback/pseuds/siriuspiggyback>) for helping me fix this!!!
> 
> Now please enjoy...

Although he hadn’t spoken to her since they were eighteen, Klaus had always assumed that Vanya was okay. She had always been the most normal out of them⏤ literally. She had even gone to real school later in life and had never been tied down by the same type of expectations and manipulation that the others had. He knew Reginald hadn’t been kind to her, but that was par for the course in their house. At the very least, she hadn’t been subject to experimentation with questionable medications.

Even when the book came out, his reaction had been more internal, assuming that her complaints would be about exposing the truth of the Academy and any negativity would be focused on the mess that the others had made of their lives, Klaus chief among them. It would be Vanya’s triumph, succeeding as the most well-adjusted while the rest of them scrambled and fought to find their place in a world they were never prepared for. 

But then again, Klaus had thought Daniel was okay too.

As he poured over the reviews of her book again, new images began to form in his mind. Some of the more negative articles called Vanya “bitter” and analyzed the book as a “desperate attempt to gain the love and reassurance that she lacked in childhood”. 

The idea that he had missed another warning sign sent panic throughout his entire body. It had been months since the book came out. Who knew what kind of damage Vanya could have done to herself in that time while Klaus remained oblivious because he couldn’t take a little criticism? 

Sitting in his apartment, not having even taken off his shoes after visiting the hospital, Klaus reached for the dusty book off his trunk. He had spent much of his life running from responsibility and consequences, which carried results ranging from bad to total shit. Since getting clean, he had been trying to make up for that, in a sense at least. But, he realized as he opened the book, the spine crackling, showing the cover had never been lifted before, he had been doing the same thing he'd always done by ignoring what must have been a cry for help. With trembling fingers, he turned the first page.

He read with fervor, turning the pages so fast they nearly tore, Ben hunched over his shoulder trying to follow along. The words blurred together, leaving only fragmented statements behind in his brain.

_Luther, or Number One as the world knows him, was the leader… obsessed with pleasing our father… dedicated⏤ too dedicated, to the point he forgot he is also a brother…_

_Number Two, Diego, was headstrong and brash… never catch up to Luther… resented his status as Two… stutter…_

_Allison… used to always getting her way… need for attention… reckless with her use of her powers…_

_Ben, Six, who died too young… shy… never wanted to hurt…_

_Five, gone without a name… the protector..._

When he reached the section about himself, Klaus slowed, each new phrase standing out with increasing horror.

_Then there was Klaus, Number Four, who, for a time at least, was the most like me. Until we were twelve, he was nearly as ‘useless’ as I was. Only through copious amounts of morphine was he able to ‘harvest his full potential’ as our father called it… though we didn’t realize exactly what the magical enhancement was until later..._

Klaus breathed shakily, gripping the pages tighter as he pressed on. 

_Addicted by age thirteen… always joking so that you couldn’t see the way he was cracking under the pressure…_

Time began slipping away from Klaus and the words bled from one painful observation to the next. 

_But not totally with blame… chose to continue using... incapable of caring for himself, yet doesn’t wish to care for anyone else… shut everyone but his needle out… not sure if he was more addicted to the drugs or the power they gave him… homeless… arrested, I heard… most likely gone back to the oblivion that became his only way of coping…resigned myself to knowing that he will most likely be the next to die… just waiting for the news that he’s overdosed for the last time…_

Each line hit Klaus harder than the last, clawing out his insides with jagged blades of self-loathing. He forced himself through each damning sentence until he reached the most crushing blow– the realization of just how much Vanya (and _god,_ fucking everyone, everyone had read that damn book) knew about his life and what he’d done to survive. 

_But perhaps the worst part is that death may be the only place in which he can finally rest, at last away from his tormentors, both living and dead. For him, it may even be a twisted blessing. It is a thought I grapple with when I think that he could be back in the hands of those who thought they owned him and used⏤_

He shut the book with a snap, his jaw open and his eyes wide. 

“I can’t believe she wrote that,” Ben said in horror and vague shock. 

“Well, fuck,” was all that Klaus could say. 

***

He devoured the book in two days and spent the next week thinking about it. In all that time, Klaus barely got out of bed. He lay in his crumpled sheets, gazing with unseeing eyes at the ceiling and walls. Long stretches of the day passed without him noticing, fading into an endless gray desolation. 

Even Ben, who was growing increasingly concerned by Klaus’s behavior, began to flicker in and out of reality as Klaus retreated into a part of his brain that was shut off to everything. Eventually, Klaus stopped seeing him altogether. The silence was oppressive without him. Like Klaus was in the Crypt, buried deep underground and left bitterly sober and alone. 

His phone died and Klaus didn’t bother recharging it, the cord lying two feet away seeming impossibly far out of reach. Every once in a while he managed to get up to go to the bathroom or eat a few bites of whatever was simplest and at roughly eye-level in the cabinet, but it was barely enough to keep himself alive. Twice he got in the shower, but all he was able to do was stand under the water until it ran cold, staring blankly at the wall. 

Every coherent thought he managed to have was about the book. How Klaus felt about it changed on a nearly by-minute basis. A part of him wanted to cheer for Vanya, tell her to ride-on and fuck Reginald. 

He was also mortified by what she said about him, and more so by the fact that it was all true. And he couldn’t exactly fault her for that, telling the truth. 

Yet, who was she to tell the whole world their secrets? To rip away whatever privacy and sense of normality that he had built?

But then again, Vanya had no way of knowing that. She, apparently, was aware that he’d been arrested and had an idea of what his life had been like beforehand. Klaus wasn’t sure why or how, though he supposed she could have looked up his arrest record before it had been sealed. Or heard about it from Diego. _(He_ had to know, right?)

Beyond what she said about him, there was one line he returned to again and again.

_And then there was me, Number Seven, who was not special, not powerful, and not wanted by anyone._

Klaus burned with how much he wanted her to be his sister again. 

Excluding Vanya had never been intentional, or at least not maliciously so. Klaus was consumed with thoughts and rationalizations as he lay in bed, the book discarded next to him, unable to sleep but bone-crushingly tired. 

Of course Vanya couldn’t go on missions and without powers, so there was no point in her training with them. It wasn’t his fault that she’d been left out of that. Besides which, training wasn’t fun. Klaus would have given anything to play violin with Vanya instead of breaking his fingers on a punching bag.

Sure, training took up most of their lives, but again, it wasn’t their fault that they were kept apart from her so often. Even their lessons were done separately from Vanya’s after a certain point, even before she left. He knew vaguely that her schooling was focused more on traditional subjects⏤ he heard her reports to Reginald on her progress with Emily Dickinson and algebra. Again, he resented that a little, remembering the difficulty of sorting through his twisted gaps in education while trying to earn his GED. She was lucky.

Klaus would admit that, when they did have free time, especially as children, their games were not meant for Vanya either. Hide and seek quickly got intense, and capture the flag more so. She didn’t have powers to give advantage to her team or protect herself. To let her play would have been dangerous. Were they supposed to have let her get hurt?

But it dawned on Klaus, making him feel rather dumb for never putting the pieces together before, that there was no reason that they had to play those games. Unconsciously or not, they had chosen activities that she could never play. 

In his memory, the times actually spent with Vanya stuck out, creating the impression that she was more present than the reality was. Klaus realized that most of his most significant memories of actually spending time with Vanya were on their birthday, like including her was a special treat. The other most important memories he could think of were when she was leaving and the pitiful party they’d thrown for her, barely even attended. 

Memories of countless hours passed with Allison, giggling over dress-up and stolen magazines smuggled into the Academy and hidden under the bed, rose to the forefront of his mind.

They were followed by the afternoons he spent following Diego around, amusing himself by being annoying or begging for help to master whatever combat skill Reginald found lacking that week. 

There had been plenty of days that he lay on Ben’s bedroom floor, listening to his walkman while Ben read, neither of them talking.

Not to mention the nights that he sat with Five, trying to sort through whatever real schooling that Reginald had given them.

There were even a few rare occasions when Luther had let Klaus help with his model building, Klaus reading the instructions while Luther practiced controlling his strength by handling the tiny, delicate pieces with enormous care. 

The past played out behind his eyes like a film, scored by violin music, always muffled by closed doors, yet drowning every peel of laughter in mournful sweeping notes. In well over half of his memories, Vanya was absent, locked away in her room. Klaus had never blamed Vanya for taking her ticket out, but for the first time, he realized that her reasons really were as good as any of the others'. 

Klaus returned repeatedly to Vanya’s profile where she advertised her violin lessons and now, her book. He punched the number listed there into his phone only to hit cancel at least once a day. Her words echoed through him, _incapable of caring for himself yet doesn’t wish to care for anyone else._

Klaus wanted to protest those words but found his imagined statement of love to Vanya dying in his head before he could ever press the call button. Even if he did wish to, his failure with Daniel only proved that he was unqualified to care for others. 

He doubted that she would be interested in hearing from him. 

He wondered if she really wanted him dead so that he wouldn’t suffer or so that she wouldn’t need to think about him anymore. 

Was it supposed to be a _blessing_ for him or for his family? 

***

On the ninth day of his isolation, a pounding sounded on Klaus’s door. He barely registered it, blinking slowly as he hoped vaguely that whoever it was would go away.

“Klaus?” Lauren called. “Are you in there?”

He groaned under his breath and curled up tighter, burrowing deeper into his mattress.

“Klaus!” she shouted again. “Are you in there?” More pounding came and he moaned again, slightly louder. “Klaus?” Lauren asked more quietly, “Did I hear you?

He kept silent.

“KLAUS⏤ I, _fuck,_ I don’t know your middle name. Do you even have one? ⏤HARGREEVES! If you don’t open this goddamn door, I will do it myself!”

Finally stirred at least a little by her instance, he raised an eyebrow, casting a dubious look at the door. 

As if hearing him, Lauren continued, “You know I have a spare key, Klaus! I will not hesitate to use it!”

_Oh. Right._

“I am coming in!” The doorknob rattled.

Klaus sighed, closing his eyes again. It wasn’t like he could stop her. 

“Klaus?” Lauren called, stepping into the apartment. “Oh my god.” There was the sound of something hitting the floor and hurried footsteps before desperate hands clutched Klaus’s arms, turning him onto this back. “Klaus!” she cried. “Klaus, are you okay?”

His eyes fluttered open. “Fine,” he muttered. 

Lauren grabbed his arm, turning it over. “Did you take anything?” she demanded, yanking the other limb over when she couldn’t find any track marks. 

“No.” Klaus wasn’t quite with it enough to be insulted but he felt like he should be. He was just so fucking tired. 

“What did you take?” Lauren asked again frantically, shaking his shoulders. “Wake up! Do I need to call 911?”

Klaus opened his eyes again.“I’m fine. I didn’t take anything.”

“You left the hospital without talking to anyone. You haven’t responded to our _dozens_ of calls. No one has seen or heard from you in over a week. The only explanation is that you went on a bender or that you’re an asshole.”

“I’m an asshole. Surprised?” 

Lauren smacked him on the back of his head. 

“Ow!”

She was not impressed. “No! I am not fucking happy, Klaus! Tell me the truth! Did. You. Use.” 

“No.”

Lauren stared into Klaus’s eyes, searching for the truth. “Your pupils look normal. That’s something.” She let go of his shoulders and turned sharply. Lauren stalked to the kitchen area, pulling open cabinets and drawers, rifling through them. 

“What are you doing?

"Making sure there isn’t anything stupid here.” She went to the dresser and began going through the clothes. 

“I’m clean!” 

“Then what the fuck is going on?” Lauren demanded, turning around.

“I’m fucking sad, okay!”

“You were nearly unresponsive when I got here⏤"

"And you can tell that I’m not high⏤"

"And you’ve been MIA for days. That is not normal, Klaus.” 

Without really knowing why Klaus felt his eyes begin to burn. “I didn’t use,” he pleaded, needing her to know that at the very least he wasn’t as rotted-out as she thought. “I didn’t.” 

“Oh,” Lauren’s voice was small as she dropped the clothes and came to sit down on the bed. Gingerly, she covered Klaus’s hand with her own. “Okay.”

He was crying again. Funny, Klaus thought he couldn’t do that anymore. It had seemed like his tears dried up days ago. “Why don’t you believe me?” 

“I believe you,” Lauren told him gently. “I’m sorry. I was just really worried about you, Klaus. After what happened to Daniel…”

He sniffed harshly, unable to look at her. 

“Are you okay?” Lauren asked.

“I didn’t⏤"

"I know,” she assured, “I know you didn’t use, but you’ve still been out of contact for a week. I’m concerned.” 

Klaus drew away from her, sitting against the headboard, wrapping his arms around his legs. “I’m fine.”

“Klaus.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Your friend was very sick, but Klaus,” Lauren took his hand tentatively. “He’s okay.”

“What?” his eyes snapped up to look at her.

“Daniel. He woke up. He’s okay.”

Klaus blinked. “He is?”

“Yeah.” Lauren smiled at him, slowly sitting on the edge of the bed. “He woke up yesterday. I tried to call you to let you know but you didn’t respond.”

Relief, bone-deep, washed over him, so overwhelming he couldn’t form words to express it. Instead, he responded to Lauren’s concern.“Sorry,” he rasped. “Phone died.”

Lauren hummed. “Well, when I didn’t hear anything from you about that I knew I had to come check on you.”

“Thank you,” Klaus said. “He’s really okay?”

“Yeah. Still aching a bit, that kind of thing is hard on a body, and he’s going to need to go to treatment again, but he’s okay.”

“Thank _fuck,_ ” Klaus breathed. 

“Everyone’s relieved,” Lauren agreed. “But we’re also worried about you. You gave us all a bit of a scare."

Klaus winced, guilty. “Has it really been a week?”

“Yeah. More than.”

“Oh. It felt… longer but also I don’t remember anything.” 

“Have you been in bed this whole time?” Lauren asked, brushing Klaus’s hair out of his face.

“Pretty much.”

“I’m going to be honest, it kinda smells like it.”

Klaus blushed deeply. “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay. We’re going to get you cleaned up, okay?”

He sighed. “But the bathroom is so far, and I’m so _tired_.” 

Lauren’s face darkened with concern. She pressed a hand to his forehead. “It doesn’t feel like you have a temperature. Have you felt sick?”

"No. Just tired.”

“I think you might feel a little better if you’re at least cleaned up a bit. If you can take a shower, I will change your sheets for you. Okay?"

"Okay,” he agreed.

“Good,” Lauren nodded officially. “Come on.” She stood and extended her hand to him. 

Klaus let her help him up. As he stood, his vision turned spotty and he swayed dangerously. 

"Woah,” she said, steadying him. “Are you alright?”

“Fine. Just got up too fast. Saw stars and all that.” He lightly shook off her hands. 

"When was the last time you ate?” she asked.

Klaus couldn’t remember.

His pause must have indicated as much because Lauren frowned. “Actually, you’re going to eat something first. I don’t want you passing out in the shower.” She steered him into a kitchen chair. “What do you want?” 

"I don’t even know what I have.”

Lauren went through the cabinets more slowly. “Not much,” she admitted. She glanced in the fridge and grimaced. “That’s going to need cleaning out too.” Finally, she located a somewhat squashed granola bar. “Here. Eat this and then shower. I’ll order some real food for when you get out.” 

Klaus began mechanically chewing the bar and when Lauren set a glass of water down in front of him he drank the whole thing obediently. 

“Okay,” she said, helping him up again. “Shower time.” She marched him to the bathroom. “Get started, I’ll bring you something clean while you’re in there.”

Klaus just nodded as the door closed softly behind him. He dropped his clothes in a heap on the floor and got under the spray, his tense muscles slowly unwinding as the warm water washed down his back. For several minutes, he just stood there, staring at the seam where the wall met the floor. 

“Klaus?” Lauren called, tapping lightly on the door. “I’m coming in to put your clean clothes in here, okay?”

The sound of her voice brought him back to the real world. “Okay.” Klaus listened to her move in and out of the bathroom. As the door closed again, he began washing, moving in small increments until he was fully clean. By the time he stepped out, the mirror was fogged up and his body had turned light pink.

The clean clothes were folded neatly, waiting for him. Klaus dressed in sweatpants and a soft shirt. He took a moment to brush his teeth, his movements still feeling stilted and separated from reality. Being clean didn’t make his chest feel any less empty, but it made his body feel slightly less horrendously filthy. 

_⏤ the hands of those who thought they owned him_ ⏤ 

Vanya’s words hissed in his mind and Klaus pushed down the nausea as he told himself that the hands he felt around his hips were just memories.

He didn't feel so clean anymore.

Not wanting to scare Lauren again, he forced himself out of the bathroom before he spiraled, pushing those thoughts back in the little box he kept in the back of his mind marked _do not open._

Lauren looked up from the brown paper bag she was unpacking at the table. “Good. The food just got here. Sit down.”

Klaus complied. 

She put a bowl of ramen down in front of him. “Eat.”

He wasn’t hungry, but Klaus had noticed as he dressed that his hands were a little shaky so he silently agreed that he probably needed food. He began picking at the soup, taking small bites to settle his turning stomach. 

Lauren kept on with her task of cleaning his apartment up. She had already remade the bed and its soft crisp sheets called to Klaus. Lauren had opened the window to let fresh air and was tending to his neglected plants. Klaus felt a little pang of guilt seeing them wilted, but thankfully it didn’t look like any had died. His powers didn’t actually work on plants. Klaus’s lips quirked at his own internal joke. 

When she finished wiping down the counters, Lauren sat opposite Klaus. “Are you eating?” she prodded. 

“Trying to.” Klaus took another small bite.

"Is there something wrong with it?”

“I don’t feel hungry.”

“You need to eat⏤"

“I know!” Klaus interrupted harshly. Immediately, he winced. “Sorry. I know,” he repeated more gently. 

“It’s okay.” 

He took another bite.

“Klaus, I’m⏤”

“Worried?” he snapped.

She frowned reproachfully. “Yes.”

Klaus deflated. “I just… needed a break. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not angry at you, Klaus. Well, I am, a little bit. But mostly I’m just concerned about you. You’re obviously severely depressed.” 

He shrugged. “I’m fine.”

"Klaus, this isn’t normal."

"I’ve never been normal.”

“This isn’t normal for you.”

He couldn’t argue with that. 

“It’s okay if you’re upset about Daniel, Klaus.”

“It’s not about me. I don’t have a right to⏤ ” Klaus cut himself off. 

"He is your friend,” Lauren said gently. 

"He’s yours too, and you’re not falling apart.”

“I think,” Lauren started cautiously, “that you’ve had a lot of things to deal with in your life, Klaus. Sometimes things can have a pile-on effect.”

“That’s the thing. I shouldn’t be bothered by this kind of thing anymore. I’m Klaus! I don’t give a fuck! I just let things bounce right off of me! I’ve seen death and gore and pain like you couldn’t fucking imagine! One more tragedy⏤ not even tragedy, one more _near tragedy_ , shouldn’t matter to me! I’ve lost Five and seen what happened to Ben⏤ why should this _hurt_ ?” As he spoke, his voice went from sarcastic bitter laughter to broken shouting. He realized his face was wet and he grit his teeth in frustration. “He’s not even dead. He’s fine and I can’t fucking calm down. And why do I keep fucking crying?” He wiped at his face angrily. “I thought I wasn’t supposed to _care for anyone else_?” he bit out Vanya’s words harshly, his mocking tone making the reference clear. 

"Fuck,” Lauren muttered. “You read the book?”

“Yeah I read the book. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We were hoping you would read it with someone… or call someone after you did see. Maybe we should have prepared you more but you seemed like you weren’t ready for it and I’m really sorry, Klaus⏤”

“It’s fine,” he told her, the fight leaving his body in an exhausted rush.

“Are you⏤?”

“Yeah. It’s fine. It’s fine, Lauren. I just… I’m a mess and I don’t know why because it’s not like it’s new for people to think that and Daniel is _fine_ and I have nothing to fucking cry about.” 

"Klaus,” Lauren spoke sadly and very carefully, “I think this might just be one thing too many. Even just coming close to losing someone can be traumatic. And having every one of your past traumas dragged up again and aired out for the world to see is… I can’t imagine. Besides, it is not a sign of weakness to love or have emotions.”

“Tell that to Daddy-dearest.”

"Your father was an asshole.”

Klaus laughed in surprise. “Fair.” 

“Don’t let him tell you what the right way to deal with things is. You’ve spent your whole life in a series of traumas, unable to take a break to just breathe and deal with things. I think that now that you’re finally in a safe enough place to do so, you’re resting for _all_ of the terrible things that have happened to you.”

Klaus pondered that. “Did you go to psychologist school while I was out of it?"

Lauren smiled reluctantly. “No. But I have gone to a lot of therapy.” 

“Maybe you’re right.”

“I’m always right,” Lauren bragged lightly. “Now finish your soup. I’m here to take care of you.” 

Klaus managed a tiny smile. “Okay.”

  
  


After putting Klaus back to bed and waiting for him to fall asleep, (he was still somehow exhausted after a week of rest) Lauren took a quick trip back to her apartment to pack a bag and moved in, taking up residence on the couch. She declared her intention to stay for as long as necessary, no arguments. 

For the next few days, she made sure the apartment was clean and that he ate and showered while Klaus battled his way out of the fog he’d been lost in since the news came. If she wasn’t actively keeping him alive, Lauren just kept Klaus company while he watched tv or even just slept, allowing him space to breathe. 

When Klaus finally thought to ask her about why she wasn’t at work, she waved off his concerns with the explanation she'd cashed in some vacation time.

He was too tired to think about how out of character that was for her. 

***

“Hey, Klaus?” Lauren said, four days into her stay.

“Yeah?” He had managed to move from his bed to the couch, a minor improvement and a positive sign.

“I was thinking, it might be good for you to call Daniel.”

He startled, looking at her. “Why?”

Lauren blinked. “Uh. He’s your friend? And I know you’ve been really worried about him? And,” she hesitated. “He’s been asking about you.”

"He has?” Klaus asked, his surprise evident. 

“Yeah,” Lauren told him. “Of course he has. He really looks up to you, Klaus.”

He stared at her. “Why?”

Lauren’s expression was sad as she considered Klaus. “You’re a kind, interesting person and a queer mentor to him,” she said as if it should be obvious.

“A _what_?” 

"A mentor,” Lauren repeated. “He thinks of you as a big brother, Klaus.”

Klaus thought of Diego and Five and even Luther. Despite them being the same age as him, he’d always thought of them as his big brothers. They were protectors. They saved him and helped him a hundred times over. They, and especially Diego, had done their best for him. 

Klaus had failed them.

Just as Klaus had failed Daniel. 

"I’m not someone anyone should look up to,” Klaus whispered. 

Lauren’s face crumpled. “But Daniel does.”

“He shouldn’t. He can’t. Even if he did before, there is no way he does now. Not when I⏤” he cut himself off. _Not when it’s my fault_ , he thought. 

“Klaus,” Lauren tried to say.

“I can’t,” he said harshly. “I can’t talk to him, I⏤” his breathing was speeding up, growing ragged and uneven as he fought to keep from panicking. He knew that he deserved the anger and blame that Daniel no doubt had for him, but he was too much of a coward to face it. “I just can’t.”

"Okay,” Lauren said soothingly, clearly seeing how close he was to panic. “Okay, Klaus. You don’t have to.” 

She sat with him for a long time while he struggled to calm down again, not saying another word about contacting Daniel. 

***

Noah showed up unprompted (by Klaus at least) at his door the day after Klaus refused to call Daniel. He let Klaus sit in bed while they talked, which Klaus took as a sign that he must have looked as terrible as he felt. His opinion on why everything had hit Klaus so hard was similar to what Lauren’s had been, though he let Klaus do most of the talking. At first it was about Daniel, but more began to bleed out the longer he went.

Klaus spoke until his voice was raw, half-buried memories rising from the depths of his mind; the deaths of those he loved and those of people he never knew until their mutilated bodies came to him begging for help, his own overdoses, the nights when he wedged himself into the corner of a dumpster and a building, hoping he wouldn’t freeze to death. Or, on the bad nights, almost hoping he would. 

Noah didn’t offer any way to fix it, because there was nothing that could change the past. But he listened and with every word spoken, the story held less weight across Klaus’s shoulders. 

Klaus began to open up about parts of his childhood he’d never mentioned before. What they did to Vanya, how he felt like none of his siblings would care to hear from him, how much he loathed himself. 

“I don’t think that as much of it was intentional as Vanya maybe thought,” he said, his voice cracking from overuse. “Or maybe I just don’t want to admit what an asshole I am. I don’t know.”

“Maybe,” Noah offered carefully. “Your father modeled how to treat Vanya, and you followed that, perhaps somewhat unknowingly?” 

He blinked. “Oh.”

“Does that sound right?”

“He really fucked us over,” Klaus muttered in response, running a hand through his hair. It snagged on his tangled curls. He was not looking forward to having to take care of those when he finally managed to do more than shower the grime off. 

“Have you thought about reaching out to her?”

“Of course.”

"Will you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

"You read what she said about me. About us.”

"Are you angry with her?”

“No. Yes. But mostly no. I don’t think so. I don’t know. I mean, it was a pretty baller move. Like, I wish I had told _Daddy_ to go to hell that directly. Icon behavior, really.”

“Klaus,” Noah redirected him. 

He sighed. “Point is. I thought about calling her. I was actually planning on trying to see her before the book was released. But then I started doubting if she’d want to see me. Now I know she doesn’t” 

_I’m not fully sure she wants me alive,_ he added silently.

“It seems to me that all she wanted was to be accepted by you and your siblings.”

“And I didn’t give her that when she needed it. Now I’m just a _junkie who can’t care for himself and doesn’t wish to care for anyone else_. Or whatever the line was.”

“Now, Klaus, that is not true⏤”

“That’s what she thinks.”

“You could show her⏤”

“No,” he interrupted sadly. “No. I can’t.”

“And why not?”

“Because she’s right. Even Lauren thought I’d used. That I fell back into doing what I know best. Not that I blame her.”

“For starters, I am sure that Lauren’s fear had more to do with what just happened to Daniel than any negative thoughts about you. And as for Vanya’s opinion, she has not seen you in something like seven years, correct?”

He nodded.

“Have you not changed in that time? Klaus, you’ve been clean for over a year and half⏤ not counting your time in jail as you insist on doing. You’re working two jobs paying for your own apartment and haven’t been in trouble since you got out. Whatever you _thought_ you were before, you’re not anymore. I don’t think you ever were.”

“I thought about using,” he admitted, staring down. When Noah did not speak, he continued, “I think the only reason that I didn’t was because I was too tired to get up.”

“Why did you want to use, Klaus?”

“I don’t know, I figured, if everyone thinks that I’m trash⏤ why not be?”

“I don’t think you’re trash, Klaus.”

He laughed harshly. “I appreciate the sentiment, but you’re supposed to say things like that to me, you’re my therapist.”

“Technically, I’m here off the clock. So that doesn’t count.”

Klaus managed to give him a brief, shallow smile. “Thanks.”

“I am concerned about you though, Klaus. I think you are in a vulnerable position at the moment and more turmoil could push you over the edge. I want you to reach out to people when you’re feeling this way. You need a support system.”

“Okay,” Klaus agreed, though quietly doubting if that was as good an idea as Noah thought. He wasn’t so much a part of a system as he was a parasite leeching off of people much better than him. 

“Do you still feel like using right now?”

“No. I don’t know. No?”

“Can you verbalize how you’re feeling at all?”

"I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

“Good, but?”

“But I don’t think I can be more than that.”

“You’re wrong,” Noah told him firmly.

There was a long pause while a range of emotions ran through Klaus. 

Finally, he admitted in a small voice that Noah struggled to hear, “I wish I could believe you.” 

Noah made a pained expression, assuring him gently, “We’re going to get you there.”

Klaus gave him a weak smile that clearly conveyed how little faith he had in that statement. After all, if Daniel (smart, kind, incredible Daniel) couldn’t stay clean, how was trash like Klaus supposed to? 

***

Klaus was all but mute for a full day after Noah left. He knew it was worrying Lauren, he saw the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn't paying attention, but he couldn't help it. He was too lost in his own thoughts and jumbled emotions to speak.

Finally, late in the second morning after Noah came, five days into her stay, Lauren asked him, "Klaus?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

He shrugged, picking at his nails. He was sitting on the bed, his knees against his chest. Lauren had been concerned when he’d retreated there after breakfast, but he’d insisted that it counted as not being in bed because the covers were made. She’d let the argument go on the technicality but it appeared that she wasn’t assured of his mental state as Lauren watched him from the kitchen. 

"Did I mess up, asking Noah to come?" she asked nervously.

Klaus glanced at her. She was wringing her hands, examining him with clear worry. His stomach twinged guiltily. "No."

"Are you sure? I'm sorry if I did. You can say so. I was just worried and–"

"I'm not mad, Lauren." 

"Oh. Okay. If you’re sure."

"I'm sure."

"Then, can I ask what is bothering you?"

Klaus studied her, the genuine concern and care in her eyes making him uncomfortable. "You should go home," he said. 

"What?" Hurt flashed across her face. "Did I do something else that–?"

"No. Lauren, I'm not angry at you," Klaus repeated, the frustration in his voice undermining his point a bit. _Why didn’t she understand that he was the one who always messes things up?_

"Then what?" Lauren asked. "Why?"

"I don't deserve this. You being here. All this worry."

Lauren's voice cracked as she said, "Klaus–"

"There is something I haven't told you," Klaus whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around his legs. 

Lauren paused in confusion.

"You think I'm something that I'm not," Klaus continued. "You think I'm… better than I am."

"Whatever this is about, Klaus, I'm sure–"

"I used to deal coke," Klaus interrupted. 

Lauren blinked. "What?"

"That's what I got arrested for. I sold cocaine to young, impressionable college students. I targeted them specifically. I made users and addicts out of kids with futures, just so I could have some free smack and a shitty basement to live in."

"Klaus, what–"

"I sold to kids like Daniel."

Lauren's breath caught as her eyes widened to saucers. 

"That’s what could have killed him. Nearly did kill him. Coke. Who the fuck knows how many kids I killed like that? Or just lives I fucking ruined?" 

Lauren didn't say anything and the self-loathing in Klaus only built. 

"I'm a selfish fucking asshole who gets to run around living free while I've sentenced a bunch of fucking kids to live in the hell hole of addiction for the rest of their fucking lives just because I was too selfish and scared to–" his voice broke. "To get clean or _fuck_ , just continue with what I was doing before. At least when I was a whore I didn't hurt anyone but myself. But I was _selfish_ and I wanted–" Klaus dimly realized how loud his voice was getting and the shame of his failures rose up to cut him off with a choked gasp.

He explained weakly, "I wanted⏤” Even with everything in Vanya’s book that Lauren undoubtedly knew already, he couldn’t bring himself to give voice to what had happened. How desperate he was to not be hurt again. He let the words die in his throat and admitted quietly, “So I threw someone else under the bus."

"Klaus," Lauren said and it sounded like a plea. She carefully approached, as if Klaus were a wild animal she might frighten away, and sat on the bed next to him. With a ginger hesitancy, she reached out to him. 

Klaus flinched back and she froze. 

There was a long pause before Lauren asked, "Look at me?" 

With a turning stomach, Klaus obeyed. 

Lauren looked devastated. 

"I'm sorry I lied," he whispered. 

"How did you lie?" she asked just as softly.

"I let you believe I was good."

"Klaus,” Lauren said, her voice aching. “You are good."

"But–"

"No buts. I _know_ you. What you did out of fear and desperation… that isn't you. You are the person who adopts dying plants because you feel bad for them and remembers everyone's birthday even when you were only told once and can get birds to land in your palm and helped me say goodbye to my grandmother."

"I've killed people."

"You don't know that for sure. And even if someone you sold to–"

"Yes, I do. I've killed people. Directly. Knowingly. Even if I didn't cause an overdose."

Lauren stared at him.

"Umbrella Academy, remember?”

Her lips parted in a silent _oh_ of understanding. 

The words tumbled from Klaus’s tips, tearing their way out of him against his will. “You know what I did? When I was sixteen, I stabbed a man in the eye. Left eye. Blue eyes. Were actually kinda pretty before I wrecked them. I see them sometimes at night, staring at me. Anyway, when I pulled the knife out, his eye came with it. It was still attached by veins and tendons, like a bloody rope coming out of his head. He screamed. It was so loud. I didn’t stop. I pulled at the knife, at the eye, until it came unattached. There was blood everywhere. I left him writhing on the ground for thirty minutes while I helped to kill his accomplices. When I came back, he was still alive. He was trying to crawl away. I slit his throat. 

"When I was seventeen, I broke someone's neck with my hands. I felt it snap, the bones separating from tendons. I saw the way his eyes went glassy and dull as his life drained out of him. He went limp under me. I let his head go and it cracked open against the floor. He was still fresh enough that the blood pooling under my knees was warm.

"Once, I beat a man's head in with a brick. He'd tried to hurt me. He’d wrapped his hands around my throat and the brick was the first thing my hand fell on. I forgot all of my other training. I was scared and I didn't know when to stop. I only needed to hit him once probably. He let go of me and I got out from under him. But I hit him again. I just kept going until his face was pulverized. He didn't look human anymore. I was covered in his blood. I could taste it and I just kept going. Diego pulled me off of him. I was thirteen."

Klaus looked back at Lauren to see she'd gone deathly pale. She looked like she was going to be sick. 

"I'm a murderer."

"You were a living weapon," she said, her voice strained. "And a _child_." 

He shrugged. "I still did it. They're still dead. I killed dozens of people. In brutal, painful ways. I’ve heard them tell me how much it hurt. Sure, some of them were murderers themselves. And some of them were just fucking robbers. I killed them all the same. I am a bad person, Lauren."

"You're not."

He looked at her incredulously.

"You've done,” she hesitated, choosing her words carefully. “Bad things for difficult and complex reasons. But _you_ are not bad."

"If you wait long enough, you will see the truth," he warned.

"What?” Lauren asked dismissively. “Are you planning on hurting me?"

"No! Of course not. I'm– I mean I’m bad but I'm not trying to be. I wouldn't do it on purpose. But I always hurt everyone. Eventually."

"Klaus. That’s what being a human is. We all hurt each other. But then we apologize and do better and move on." 

"Most humans don't murder people."

"Most humans aren't experimented on and turned into child soldiers by the man who is supposed to be their father."

Klaus huffed a bitter laugh at that. 

"I'm so sorry," Lauren said gently. 

"For what?" Klaus asked, resigned to the fact that she was about to tell him she couldn't speak to him again.

"That you've been so hurt, and that you've spent so long thinking you deserve it. You didn't. You never have. And you never will."

Klaus couldn’t say anything more. He finally broke, hot tears running down his face as Lauren pulled him into a hug he knew he didn't deserve but wasn’t strong enough to turn down. 

***

Two days later, after a great deal of insistence, Klaus finally got Lauren to go back home and take a rest for a few hours. Although the most recent break down had startled her, seeing Klaus willingly get out of bed and stay out of bed for a full day gave Lauren some assurance that he could be trusted to keep himself alive for twenty-four hours, though she made him promise to call if he needed help.

The following morning, safe in the emptiness of his apartment, Klaus was finally able to summon Ben again. He appeared in the early light that streamed in through the window, familiar and comforting just in his presence alone.

“Hey,” Ben greeted in obvious relief. 

“Hey.”

“I was worried about you.”

“Sorry. I keep doing that.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Oh. Good.” 

“But if you ever give up like that again, I will end you.”

“Haha.”

“I’m not joking.” The look Ben gave him was serious but not unkind.

Klaus smiled reluctantly. “Thanks, Benny.” 

Ben’s stern expression cracked and he returned the grin. “Move over.” He came to sit next to Klaus in bed and they spent the morning talking in muted tones while Klaus dipped in and out of drowsiness. 

In a phase of vague awareness, Klaus heard him mutter, “Vanya was wrong.” 

He fell asleep again, some tiny part of him relaxing into the assurance that there was one person in his family who wasn’t disgusted by him. 

***

Over the next week, Lauren came by every day to ensure that Klaus got up. She made him help her clean the dishes or do laundry and went through a flow with him even though she hated yoga. 

With her prompting, he made short phone calls to everyone who had been worrying about him. The relief in their voices sent shame burning in his gut, but they all insisted that it was okay and they understood. Susan even sent him a package of candy and chocolate in the mail.

He was particularly embarrassed when Lillian assured him she wasn’t angry at him for missing work and she’d cleared him with Darryl as well. Klaus honestly hadn’t even thought about work in all the time he’d been falling apart. Lillian wouldn’t accept his apologies either, insisting that he take as much time as he needed to heal. He’s finally caved, just managing to take her and hang up before yet another bout of tears took over, something that happened with, what was to Klaus, alarming frequency of late. (Noah insisted it was normal.)

To his embarrassment, talking to people actually did make Klaus feel better. The days staggered onward with a little more ease than they had before and at the end of the week Klaus looked up to realize it had somehow been nearly a month since Daniel’s overdose. 

In light of the success with their other friends, Lauren tried to breach the subject of him talking to Daniel again, but Klaus stiffened so quickly that she immediately backtracked and let the subject drop.

As much as the support had helped, he just wasn’t ready to face that yet. Klaus had only just begun fixing tears in friendships, he wasn’t prepared to lose one.

***

On the Saturday of that third week, Lauren took Klaus for a short walk around the block. It was the longest period of time he’d been out of the apartment since coming home from the hospital and the response in his body was almost unnatural. The change in his mood was dramatic, the learned reflex he’d developed over many years spent associating outside with good feelings working its magic. He honestly should have thought of it himself.

“How are you feeling?” Lauren asked a good twenty minutes into the walk. 

Klaus breathed the fresh air and sunlight in deeply. “Less bad.”

“That’s a start. If there is anything else I can do…”

“You’ve done more than⏤”

She didn’t let him finish. “I helped my friend. There is no ‘more’.”

Against his will, Klaus smiled. “You’re really fucking stubborn, you know that?”

She laughed and the sun lit her with a glow of life and vibrancy that, just for a moment, chased the darkness from the world. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: brief reference to past suicidal ideation and character currently questioning if people would be better off without them
> 
> TW: brief vague references to past prostitution and related violence as well as to abusive relationships 
> 
> TW: graphic discussion of past violence, death, blood, and eye gore
> 
> ******
> 
> Thank you all for reading! We had some dark moments, we had some healing moments, we have a lot of shit left to cover. (But have a happy end note for now!)
> 
> Once again I beg of you to leave honest yet fair feedback... or just a string of emojis or a keyboard smash or any comments at all really. I love and appreciate each and every one. 
> 
> And finally, here is to a new year... may it be in any way better than this hell one.  
> Love,  
> Aye of Newt


	4. Grin and Bear It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus makes advances in his career and loses ground almost everywhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW, please pay extra attention this week for topics relating to consent. See end for details.
> 
> Hey! Happy New Year! I hope it is better than last year for all of you wonderful people reading this <3
> 
> Last week's chapter title was a hint towards the tone of this chapter so I did technically warn you...

“Thanks.” Klaus stuffed the flowers in Lauren’s face abruptly. It was the middle of September– more than a month since she had first come to help him, and Klaus had come to realize he needed to thank her properly. He was beginning to feel more like himself again and was set to return to work at the beginning of the next week. Life was stabilizing again and Klaus was more than aware that he was only functional because of her intervention. 

At the presentation of the gift, Lauren jerked back on reflex, blinking down at the bouquet inches from her nose. “Oh.” She smiled slowly. “Thank you, Klaus.” Lauren took the bundle from him, tilting her chin down to admire their sweet scent. 

“I know it’s not enough for what you did, but⏤”

“Klaus, for the last time, I did it because you’re my friend. I don’t expect you to _pay me back.”_ At Klaus’s clear look of uncertainty, she opened the door more fully. “Come in.”

While Lauren found a vase, Klaus sat at her table, his leg bouncing rapidly. She arranged the flowers neatly, bringing the display over to him to place as a centerpiece. “They really are lovely. And you brought lily of the valley too, my favorite.” 

“Yeah, well,” he blushed. “You mentioned it.”

“And you remembered,” Lauren said quietly, almost to herself. 

“It’s not a big deal.”

“I appreciate it.” Lauren was looking at him strangely, her gaze low over the tops of the flowers, her eyes half-lidded. 

“Lauren?”

“Klaus⏤” she stopped herself. 

“What?”

“I love you as a friend.”

“I love you as a friend too,” he said slowly. 

“But⏤” Lauren hesitated.

He stiffened. “But?”

“But I think I might also love you as… something else.”

It took a moment for her meaning to click on his brain. “Oh,” he finally whispered as it registered, completely stunned. 

Lauren went bright red, standing quickly. “I’m sorry! I don’t know where that came from. It’s just a thought I had. Forget it.”

“No,” Klaus stopped her. “It’s not. I, uh, you, uh, _I_ have felt that things between us have been… different.” 

They had spent an extreme amount of time together over the past month and had grown significantly closer. He would never have come to the conclusion that he was having romantic feelings had Lauren not suggested it first, but now that she had it was an easy enough thing to agree upon. She was beautiful and kind and Klaus couldn’t really ask for more than that in a partner. Few people had ever been interested in him for more than that and while Klaus was by no means opposed to casual fun, it was nice to be cared for in some way. He’d surprised himself by how much he’d enjoyed it in the brief months of happiness he and Jason had shared. 

The look that Lauren was giving him was laced with tension and tentative hope as she asked, “Yeah?” 

“Yeah. I’m not sure. Maybe?”

“Oh,” Lauren breathed.

“Yeah.”

“What do you want to do?” she asked delicately.

“Maybe we could try?”

“Try?”

“Do you want to kiss me?” Klaus asked.

From his place lounging in the corner, Ben’s head shot up in startled surprise “Klaus?” he started to say.

Klaus ignored him, staring at Lauren.

She looked a little bewildered and caught off guard. Hesitantly, she nodded. 

“Okay.” Klaus stood. He was only a couple inches taller than Lauren, giving him just enough height to look down into her large brown eyes, seeming even bigger with the intensity of the moment. He really wasn’t used to doing this type of thing sober. “So should I just go for⏤?”

He was cut off by her closing the gap, pressing her lips to his. Klaus’s hand came up by reflex, gently cupping the back of her head. 

The sensation was strange and not just because it had been a long time since he’d kissed anyone. He loved Lauren, that he knew, but he didn’t know _how_ exactly. They had always been the closest two at Healing Sage and had stayed that way in the time since they left. But over the past weeks, they had grown incredibly close, more so than Klaus could remember being with anyone in a very long time. But it didn’t feel anything like what he’d experienced in his, admittedly sparse, past relationships. 

He tried to focus on the kiss and less on the emotional aspect of it all. It felt nice, he supposed. Soft and warm and gentle. _Lauren was a good kisser._ As soon as he thought those words something in Klaus shifted. _I’m kissing_ _Lauren. I’m kissing LAUREN. Oh, ew._

He must have stiffened in some way because Lauren drew back. There was an odd expression on her face. 

“So,” she stated, somewhat stiffly. “We did that.”

“Yep.”

“That felt...”

“It was…” he tried. 

“I mean…”

“How was it for you?” Klaus asked, his voice pitching up at the end in an almost panicked way.

“Oh, it was… you’re a good kisser.” Lauren’s face was bright red. 

“So are you.”

“Thanks.”

They stared at each other. Finally, Klaus couldn’t take it anymore. “Lauren, I’m so sorry but, I⏤ Well, I’m trying to say that that felt weird. And not _good_ weird like butterflies in your stomach, new crush weird. Like _weird,_ weird. Like kinda gross.”

“Oh, thanks,” she said flatly.

“No! _Fucking shit._ NO! It felt like kissing Allison. Like _wrong._ But because I love you, just, um, not like that.”

There was a heavy pause before, “Oh thank god.” Lauren closed her eyes in apparent relief. 

“You too?”

“Yes. Yes. I mean. I was like… ah! Right? Like, I was halfway through and then I suddenly realized ⏤ I’m kissing Klaus. KLAUS. And I just got so weirded out. Like ugh. NO. I’m sorry I suggested it.” Lauren spoke rapidly, quickly placing more space between the two of them. 

Klaus laughed in relief. “I think it’s good we tried. Now it’s in the past and we can go back to doing nails and shit.”

Lauren smiled, her expression just a touch too sharp to be entirely cheerful. “I’m just glad we didn’t ruin everything trying to make this work when it obviously never would.”

“Right.”

Silence fell between them, awkward where it used to be familiar. 

Unacknowledged in the background, Ben rubbed his temple in exasperation. 

The quiet stretched on and, now feeling very uncertain indeed, Klaus attempted to break the tension.“Lauren⏤”

“Oh, right!” she said loudly, interrupting. “I completely forgot, I have some files that I need to pick up from work. The office is going to be closed in an hour so I should really go.”

“Uh, okay,” Klaus said, thrown by the abruptness of her statement. “Should I leave or…?”

“Yes, sorry. Didn’t mean to kick you out but I just have to, well I have to go.” Lauren grabbed her purse and her keys and started for the door, Klaus trailing behind, somewhat lost. 

Ben groaned as he stood as if he were physically sore and not just mentally exhausted.

They rode the elevator down without speaking, Lauren jangling her keys nervously and Klaus giving her sideways looks of confusion. She was acting bizarrely unlike herself. When they reached the lobby, Lauren practically bolted for the entrance to the building. Klaus had to jog to catch up but she nearly dropped the door on his face.

“Lauren!” he called, twisting through the small crowd on the sidewalk to catch up to her. 

“Sorry, Klaus, just in a hurry,” she said brightly, her smile tight. 

Klaus watched her, a sense of wrongness pervading his body. “Lauren, are we okay?” he asked carefully. 

“Of course!” Her grin widened unnaturally. “Just have to get to work.” She managed to hail a cab and in one motion was inside, closing the door with a sharp snap before Klaus could say anything more. 

The cab peeled away from the curb, leaving Klaus lost in its wake and regretting everything he’d said and done in the last thirty minutes.

“Come on,” Ben said, tapping his finger through Klaus’s shoulder as if he were solid. “Let’s go home.” 

He led Klaus down to the train station, making sure he didn’t run off and do something stupid, watching him carefully the whole way. 

Lauren sent a text apologizing for having rushed out later that night but she didn’t respond when Klaus asked again if they were okay. Frowning, he tossed the phone down on his bed, giving up on receiving an answer. Klaus wasn’t an expert on any form of relationships, but something about the whole thing was bothering him. Granted, he didn’t have the best track record with people, so he resolved to ask the most sensitive person he knew. 

Turning to Ben he asked, “Is it just me or was Lauren being really weird?”

“Klaus,” Ben said carefully. 

“What?”

“I think,” he paused, choosing his words. “Maybe Lauren didn’t feel exactly the way that you did.” At Klaus’s look of confusion, Ben sighed. “I think she might have felt, you know, _more_ than you did.”

“But she said⏤”

“Yeah, Klaus. I know what she _said_. But you have to look at more than just what she says. You have to look at her face, and body language, and the tone of voice, and ⏤”

“Okay, okay! I get it!” Klaus groaned, rubbing his face in his hands. “Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

He groaned. “ _Fuck._ That was such a bad idea.”

“Mmhmm,” Ben agreed. “Could have told you that.”

"Then why didn’t you?” Klaus demanded. 

“I tried to but you don’t listen to me! You didn’t even give me time to say anything!” 

“Ugh!” Klaus threw himself down on his bed, covering his head with his pillow. “Ben!” he whined. “Now what am I going to do?”

“Stop being such a drama queen, Klaus. It’s going to be fine.” 

“Easy for you to say.”

“You’re overreacting. I was just telling you so that you could know to be sensitive. I’m not trying to give you another crisis. Please, god, don’t have another crisis. All your crisis points are used up for the month.”

Klaus was calmed somewhat by his dry teasing and smiled to himself. If Ben was joking it couldn’t be too bad. “Should I text her?” Klaus asked, finally coming out from his pillow to look at Ben.

“Maybe not now,” Ben advised. “Give her some time.” 

Klaus nodded silently, frowning. 

“Hey,” Ben called, his voice softening. “It’s really going to be fine, Klaus. Your friendship is better than letting something like this get in the way. Did she not just prove how much she loves you?”

“Sure,” Klaus agreed, not halfway believing Ben. In his experience with relationships, there was always a line that Klaus seemed to unknowingly cross at some point, after which no one was interested in him anymore. He had just rejected and hurt her after she spent a month tending to him, unaware that it was his turn to do something for her, mistakenly believing her polite insistence that she didn’t want anything in return. 

He never could seem to grasp those stupid social niceties. 

And, he realized with a sickening turn to his stomach, if Lauren was like anyone else he had ever met, there was no coming back from his latest mistake.

***

It was a blessing that he went back to work only a few days after his mess of a kiss with Lauren as it gave Klaus something to do to keep himself busy and avoid triggering another spiral. Even so, Klaus spent much of the next week oscillating between depression for having ruined one of the only true friendships he ever had and anger at himself for his recklessness. He heard nothing from Lauren beyond that short text for days and was entirely convinced his fears were correct and everything was ruined. 

When, to his shock, Lauren turned up to his apartment the next Saturday, bearing her nail kit as if nothing had happened, Klaus was grateful enough that he didn’t ask any more questions. 

And so their friendship continued in its new, slightly more fragile state, staggering onward through the next weeks. Klaus didn’t quite trust it, but he was too afraid of ruining things further by asking about it and so just allowed Lauren to take the lead. 

***

“Klaus, could I talk to you for a moment?” Lillian called, leaning out of her office door. 

“Sure.” He left his mop in the bucket and came down the hall, trying not to panic. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Not as far as he remembered. Besides missing work for a month because he was too much of a mess to get out of bed and Lillian had said that was fine but oh fuck what it wasn’t and–

The walk to the office was over too quickly. She ushered Klaus inside with a casual movement of her wrist, closing the door. 

Klaus dropped into a chair with calculated ease, every muscle in his chest tensed. “What’s up?” 

Lillian smiled. “You’ve been doing very well, Klaus⏤”

A fraction of his panic eased. He could always trust that she wouldn’t lie or play with him. It wasn’t her style. _Lillian could be trusted,_ he repeated to himself. “Thanks.”

She smiled patiently. “And I was wondering if you would be interested in progressing any further at the studio?”

There was not enough praise in the world that could have prepared him for that. “Huh?”

“You know Kim is going on her maternity leave in a few weeks?”

“Yeah?” he said slowly.

“We are going to need someone to fill in for her while she is gone. I was wondering if you would be interested.”

“But Kim works at the desk. I just mop.”

“I wouldn’t say _just_ , but I understand what you mean about her difference between your current duties. There is still enough time left before she takes her break for you to be trained on the position and I know that you have the ability to do the work. It’s nothing too exciting, but I think you might still enjoy it. You’re very good with people and the job would mostly be greeting customers when they come in and answering the phone.”

Klaus was still recovering from his surprise at being considered skilled in anything to fully comprehend that. “Are you sure?”

“If you’re interested.”

“I don’t know.” It sounded like a great opportunity to finally disappoint her, show Lillian he wasn’t as wonderful as she seemed to think. 

Lillian hummed thoughtfully. “If you don’t mind me asking, what is your hesitation, Klaus?”

“I just don’t understand why you’re asking me.”

“Because I think you would be good for the job.”

“But⏤”

“Klaus, trust me,” Lillian interrupted kindly. “I think you are more than capable. But if you don’t want to, we can find another temp.”

“What about my job?”

“Jen has been wanting to expand her hours,” Lillian explained, referencing the other member of the custodial staff. “She would be happy to take on your shifts for the time being. It’s just up to you.”

“I think you should,” Ben piped up from the filing cabinet he was perched on.

Klaus nearly jumped, having forgotten he was there for a moment, too caught up in his surprise. He almost turned to look at Ben, but stopped himself, remembering that although Lillian knew about his powers, she may not be comfortable with him using them around her. Or maybe he wasn’t comfortable using them around her. _Damn, fucking therapy had Klaus thinking about his emotions too much..._

Ben continued speaking, jerking Klaus out of his own head. “It would be good for you. And good job experience if you ever want to do something other than work at the thrift store or clean the studio. Not that there's anything wrong with that!” he added quickly. “I just think you’d be good at the receptionist thing. I mean, you talk enough for it.” He smiled to show he was (mostly) joking. 

Klaus considered Ben’s words and Lillian’s expectant gaze. Both of them had always had more faith in Klaus than he had in himself. _Maybe it was time to start earning it,_ he thought. With some reluctance, he nodded to Lillian. “I guess. I mean, if you want me to.”

“Excellent!” Lillian beamed. “You’re going to do wonderfully. We’ll start training tomorrow.” 

Klaus stayed seated, dazed. 

“Any questions?”

“Um, no?”

“Tomorrow then. Wear whatever you feel comfortable in⏤ other than pajamas, I guess,” Lillian winked and dismissed him cheerfully, turning back to her computer. “Thanks again, Klaus. You’re a lifesaver.”

“Right. Sure. Thanks?”

“See you tomorrow.” Lillian waved, smiling broadly. 

He left the office, shaking his head a little and wondering how sweet and unassuming Lillian leaned to jostle him into her exact plan. 

***

The desk position at Lillian’s studio was full time and paid much better than anything he’d worked before, so after nearly two years working for him, Klaus left Darryl and the thrift shop behind. Far from being annoyed at the departure, Darryl shook his hand firmly and wished him all the best, a proud smile on his face. “It’s time for you to go out on your own, little padawan.” 

“Thank you,” Klaus told him. He hoped Darryl could tell how much he meant it. It was rare, someone taking a chance on Klaus. Someone believing in him.

Honestly, as scary as moving on to find new things was, Klaus’s biggest concern was leaving behind Mary’s birds. He’d made a promise and despite himself, he’d found that he really started to genuinely care for them. 

A week before Klaus left the store, Darryl brought in a new hire, another recommendation from Healing Sage. The new kid greeted Klaus with a hesitant smile and hunched shoulders, like someone who carried the weight of the world, or at least the kind of fucked up painful past that led to one’s life being left in ashes due to drug addiction. When he extended a bony hand to Klaus, introducing himself as Sam, Klaus could see the way his fingernails had been bitten down with anxiety. 

While training him, Klaus kept a careful eye on Sam. He was quiet but paid attention well and his hands were gentle as they folded sweaters and arranged old mugs on the display shelves. He was young and reminded Klaus achingly of Daniel, though he pushed that thought as far back as he could. It would be unfair to place the burden on replacing an irreplaceable person on the poor kid. 

Not wanting to make him uncomfortable, Klaus didn’t ask Sam any questions deeper than his opinion on various, increasingly garish items of clothing as he held each one up to himself and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Klaus took it as a quiet victory when he managed to make him smile.

At lunch, Klaus took Sam out into the alleyway with him and offered him the bag of seed casually, not offering an explanation exactly why he cared about the birds, just that he did. 

“Though,” he said with strategic nonchalance. “You know I’m going to be leaving. I’m not going far, but far enough that I won’t be here every day to feed them. I don’t want these guys to be hungry or anything, so I was looking for someone else to take up the baton or whatever.”

Sam scattered a handful of seed on the ground, watching the cardinal that had landed only a few inches from their feet with barely concealed wonder. “Darryl probably would,” he suggested softly, not looking at Klaus. 

Klaus smiled. “Yeah. Maybe. He’s not bad. He’s actually pretty great. But he also forgets his wallet at least twice a week. Plus he’s busy. I’m not sure he’s up to the task.”

“Oh,” Sam said. 

“Not a bad idea though,” Klaus comforted. “You seem smart.”

Sam glanced at him in surprise.

“I was actually thinking you might be a good fit,” Klaus commented lightly, crouching down to try and lure a finch into his palm. 

“What?” 

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I just thought you might like it.”

“No, it’s not that,” he said quickly. “It’s just, you would trust me?”

Klaus, with only the understanding that an addict could have, heard the way his voice caught on the word _trust._ He looked back at Sam so that he could see the sincerity in his face as he answered. “Yes.”

Sam looked at him with a combination of wonder and confusion and hope. “Thank you,” he said, his voice heavy with meaning. 

Klaus just smiled. 

***

The kid, Sam, stuck with Klaus long after they parted ways, opening up the wound of _missing_ in his chest anew. Finally, after more than a week, he couldn’t bear it anymore. 

“Lillian?” Klaus asked as they were cleaning up to go home for the day. 

She hummed in response. 

“Uh,” he hesitated. “Do you know how Daniel is doing?” Klaus all but whispered the name. 

Lillian paused and looked up. “He’s okay,” she assured him gently. “I can’t disclose too much of his personal details, of course, but he’s back at Healing Sage.”

“He is?”

She nodded. “Just started a few days ago. He’s doing much better physically, but it took him a little bit to recover from the overdose. As I’m sure you heard.”

Klaus nodded. He knew some of it from Lauren, though with the lingering awkwardness between them it had been too long for comfort since he’d last gotten an update. Klaus still hadn’t spoken to Daniel directly. 

“I’m sure you remember the address,” Lillian said lightly as she continued putting her things away. “If you wanted to write or visit.” She cast a meaningful look at Klaus. 

He flinched. Klaus knew it was cowardly to avoid facing Daniel’s justified wrath, but with his friendship with Lauren so tenuous, he just couldn’t withstand losing another person. Well, even if he was already lost⏤ and Klaus was sure his friendship was already lost⏤ Klaus couldn’t make it official between him and Daniel. Klaus had already lost more brothers than anyone was supposed to so young in life. 

Klaus couldn’t respond but Lillian seemed to understand the answer was no. She sighed. “He would really like to hear from you,” she told him. “I can’t make you do anything, but whatever you’re worried about, Klaus, I’m sure you don’t need to be.”

Klaus just shook his head. Of course Lillian wouldn’t understand. He doubted that she knew what it was like to fail so miserably.

She made beautiful things. 

Klaus ruined them. 

***

Kim was a good teacher, and by the time she left in late September to have her baby, Klaus knew what he was doing⏤ for the most part. There were still times he had to ask Lillian for help, but she never seemed annoyed by that, responding to his questions only with patience and kindness. At the end of his first week flying solo, she brought him a little plant to keep on his desk as congratulations on a job well done. 

The customers, most of them already familiar with Klaus and having grown endeared to his obnoxiously decorated coveralls, took to his new position almost at once. And they absolutely gushed over his wardrobe that he was finally able to show off, no longer having to worry about damaging his clothes while he worked. 

In fact, the only real complaint that Lillian had about Klaus’s performance was that her students spent so much time talking to Klaus they often ran late for her class. Although of course, she couldn’t stay mad about anyone loving her receptionist, nor giving her studio glowing praises. 

Clinging to the stability of his job and Lillian’s praise, Klaus kept his life marching onwards, even as it felt like his friendships died around him. 

***

On the morning of his birthday, Klaus woke up to several texts from his friends. Both Susan and Pete had offered to come into the city to spend the day with him, but he had declined. He couldn’t demand that they drop their lives to cater to him. Besides, they were only offering because, after Daniel, everyone was just waiting for Klaus to fall off the edge. He knew it was mostly his fault considering his breakdown, but it still hurt, being expected to fail. 

It also made him feel like shit to consider taking advantage of their kindness. He’d done enough of that with Lauren already and look where it had gotten him.

He assured them that he was okay and had plans already. 

He lied. 

Klaus spent most of the day with Ben, passing the morning in the comfort of their apartment, sharing the least painful memories of childhood that they could in hushed voices. 

Late that night at Griddy’s, Klaus and Agnes sat in the otherwise abandoned diner and compared notes on unusual birds they’d seen recently. At some point, she has weaseled out of him that it was his birthday and insisted on fetching a candle for his pastry and singing to him. It was a little pathetic in its lack of grandeur but Klaus still had to hide how damp his eyes were with a well-timed cough. He knew his murmurs thanks weren’t enough to express the things his heart did when she hugged him, but Agnes seemed to understand enough. 

When it came time to part, she sent Klaus home with one of her favorite books on species identification that she was allowing him to borrow and an extra doughnut on the house. Something thoughtful flickered in her expression when he asked for a Boston Cream, almost as if she remembered a strange night exactly twelve years beforehand when six young teenagers ordered seven doughnuts and nearly cried over the extra.

But if she did remember, she didn’t say anything. 

***

A few days after his birthday, Lillian came over. She ignored Klaus’s insistence that he was fine, wiggling her way into a visit by pretending it was about work, only to kiss him on the cheek as she entered and wishing him a Happy Birthday. 

She’d brought Klaus a beautiful delicate pink orchid as a belated gift. “I’ve been raising this one for a couple years,” she explained. “But my little collection has outgrown my space and I think this guy would be happier in a new home. Now, orchids are notoriously difficult,” she warned. “They need a lot of love and attention, but I think you’re up to it. I trust you.”

Klaus couldn’t really explain why that made him cry, but Lillian didn’t ask. She simply patted his hand and made a cup of tea. They spent the afternoon talking about simple easy things, and Klaus felt more like a human than he had in a long time. 

***

As much as Klaus had hoped he was catastrophizing (as Noah had once called it) and that whatever awkwardness there was between him and Lauren would disappear in time, it only seemed to deepen, with each interaction between them growing more and more tense as they both obviously had things to say that they were not saying. After she canceled their nail day for the third time in a row, Klaus knew that whatever was happening was serious. It had become clear to him that if he did not act, their friendship would be lost permanently. 

The possibility filled Klaus with panic. There were precious few people in the world that Klaus cared about, and even fewer of them were actively in his life. Especially since Daniel. His loss was still fresh and raw. 

Pete and Susan still cared and they talked occasionally, but their lives were too far from his own for them to be as close as they were at Healing Sage. While they had once all been quite literally in the same place, their recovery had taken them down different paths. Lauren was the only person left from rehab that Klaus had any real connection to, at least in his mind, and while he loved Lillian dearly, the relationship he had with her was more that of a mentor, and obviously, employer, than a peer. 

With every invitation that Lauren turned down or awkward silence that filled the space between them on the increasingly rare occasions they did see each other, the unease and fear only deepened in Klaus. He was wracked with guilt for his part in what happened, his obliviousness to the delicacy of the situation and his friend’s feelings. He hadn’t realized what she wanted of him. What she’d expected. He’d thought⏤ well, he’d thought that she cared about him as he was, without any need for more from him.

That’s what his various therapists had told him healthy relationships were, valuing someone even if they didn’t have anything to offer other than their care in return. Their message had, at some point over the years, begun to sink in. Klaus had started to believe them.

But maybe he was wrong. Maybe Lauren needed more. Maybe Klaus just _wasn’t_ enough as he was. The idea turned Klaus’s stomach, though he scolded himself for being so childishly sentimental. Why should he have expected anything else? Why would he think he was enough when he never had been before? Why would he be enough for Lauren, someone who had stayed in his life over the past year or two out of choice, when he wasn’t enough for his family?

He knew he deserved it, but Klaus was still filled with inexplicable anger at Lauren. It was cruel of her, to make him think he was more than he was, only to send him tumbling back to his place again.

Still, Klaus wasn’t ready to let her go. Her cruelty was softer than most. He wasn’t ready to be alone again. As much as he loved Ben, he needed more than one person in his life, as selfish as it made him feel. 

_It wouldn’t be so bad,_ he told himself as he considered what he would have to do. Lauren, even in her recent anger at him, was still far kinder than anyone he’d been with before. He did not love her in the way she deserved, but perhaps he could learn to if he tried. And even if he didn’t, he could still give her what she wanted. He’d done as much for people he cared about far less. 

At the end of the day, Klaus did love Lauren. 

That would have to be enough. 

He would make it be enough.

And so, Klaus resolved himself silently to his fate. He just had to wait for the opportunity to present itself. 

***

“Oh, shit, then what?” Klaus asked, leaning in to better hear the woman who leaned against the front desk.

“Well as it turned out she was only after the money so after the wedding⏤ which should have been MY wedding of course⏤ she poisoned _him_ too and⏤”

“Klaus?” Lillian asked, pausing where she was on her way out to lunch, her tote tossed over her shoulder. “Who are you talking to?”

Klaus cast a guilty glance at the woman. 

She rolled her eyes, twirling her ponytail in her long, purple-tinged fingers.

“No one?”

Lillian tilted her head. “Ghost?”

“Yeah.” He shrunk slightly into his chair.

She softened at his obvious nerves. “It’s okay, Klaus. I don’t mind. I know you get your work done.” 

“Oh.” Even though he hadn’t been a child in years, it still caught Klaus off guard when he just didn’t get in trouble for things. That he wasn’t assumed to be in the wrong from the first breath. “Okay. Thanks.”

“Though,” Lillian added, continuing on her way out of the studio. “You should be more careful about who can hear you.” She winked cheerfully and waved goodbye. 

“Right,” Klaus said weakly as the door chimed behind her. 

There was a moment of silence before it was broken once more. “Do you want to hear about how she killed the priest or not?” the ghost demanded. 

Klaus leaned forward. “I definitely want to hear about that.” 

Less than a week later, he was presented with an unexpected gift. “It’s a Bluetooth,” Lillian explained, handing the tiny earpiece to Klaus. 

“Woah, Lillian,” Klaus started to say. Those were expensive. “I can’t⏤” 

“I got it off a friend who was just going to throw it away. It doesn’t work.”

He stopped, confused.“Oh?”

“It’s for when you’re talking to one of the spirits in public. So you can be _incognito_.” She smiled proudly, wiggling her fingers for effect. 

“Oh!” Klaus caught on. “That’s… actually really smart. Thank you.” Somehow, despite being literally useless, Lillian’s gift was more helpful for dealing with his powers than anything Reginald had ever given Klaus. 

“Go bust some ghosts!” she cheered lightly. “Or don’t. Go… do whatever you do with ghosts?”

Klaus laughed. “I only bust them if they want me to.”

“Respectful.” She nodded sagely. 

“Right,” he agreed, laughing lightly. 

Before leaving for the day, Klaus popped into Lillian’s office to thank her again for the gift.

“It was really nothing, Klaus,” she assured him. “It’s just a broken piece of tech that no one was going to use.”

“Well,” he blushed, knowing that what she said was true but still winded by the care of it. “You still thought of me. And that’s what counts, right?”

Lillian smiled. “That’s just what you do for a friend, Klaus.”

Klaus all but floated home, the warmth in his chest lifting him like a hot air balloon.

He still had a friend. 

**********

It took over a month for Klaus to implement his plan as Lauren was still difficult to pin down for any significant length of time. When she finally agreed to dinner, inviting him over to her apartment for their usual Saturday tradition, Klaus banished an unsuspecting Ben into the spirit realm for the night with a muttered apology and no explanation, knowing that he would protest to what Klaus was about to do. 

He spent the evening alternating between dread and desperation, afraid of taking the first step. Finally, when the two of them were seated on opposite sides of the coffee table, their nails dry and take out finally delivered, Klaus forced himself to speak. 

“Lauren,” Klaus started cautiously, twirling the noodles in his lo mein. Despite his conviction, he found he couldn’t quite meet her eyes as he spoke. 

“Yeah?” she asked lightly, not yet catching on to his tone of voice

“I uh,” he swallowed, his throat suddenly too dry. 

“Klaus?” Lauren had a small crease between her eyebrows, already tipped off that something strange was happening, so unused as she was to Klaus speaking tentatively. 

“I’ve been thinking lately and maybe I was wrong.” 

Lauren’s look of confusion only deepened. “What?”

“I’m sorry, I know that I said I wasn’t, you know, _interested_ , but maybe I was wrong?” Klaus hoped his voice wasn’t shaking as much as he thought it was.

“Klaus,” Lauren looked stunned as she spoke. “What⏤?”

“Maybe,” Klaus continued, “I was just too nervous about you know, my feelings, and that's why I reacted like that.’

“Maybe, or definitely?” Lauren asked cautiously. 

“Definitely!” Klaus assured her quickly, trying to keep from panicking. It had been too long, he had nearly forgotten how to navigate such a situation. It was important that he appease her feelings, make her feel like he genuinely wanted her, let her indulge in her fantasy.

Carefully, Klaus put down his food. With Lauren staring at him intently, her mouth slightly parted, he crossed to the other side of the coffee table, sitting down next to her gingerly. 

Her eyes were huge as she watched him. “Klaus?” Lauren’s voice had jumped almost an octave. “If you’re joking right now, I’m going to be very angry,” she warned. 

“No! I would never joke about that,” Klaus assured her. “No.” He couldn’t afford to make another mistake. 

“Okay,” Lauren said, raising a shaking hand to her forehead. “Okay, so, uh, now what?”

“Now...” Klaus trailed off, trying to force the ill feeling in his stomach away. _Lauren would never hurt me_ , he reminded himself. “Now it’s whatever you want.”

“That’s, uh, a lot of pressure.” She swallowed hard. “I don’t know.” She looked at him in a mixture of hope and trepidation. 

“Do you want me?” Klaus asked softly. He didn’t attempt to add any seduction to his voice or gestures as he spoke. It was a genuine question. He needed to make sure that he had read the situation right, and Lauren’s nervousness had set him on edge. He’d expected that she would take up his offer much quicker. 

Lauren let out a small gasp of breath as she met his eyes. Very slowly, she nodded. 

The confirmation took the air from Klaus’s lungs. His tongue tasted of bitter disappointment as he tried to swallow, his throat and mouth too dry. Carefully, Klaus stretched out his hand and brushed Lauren’s hair behind her ear. He tried not to think about how his filth shouldn't be touching her. She wanted him after all. It was her choice what he did. 

He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers for the second time. His body jolted in protest, but Klaus had more than enough experience kissing people he cared about far less than Lauren. As she leaned in to deepen the kiss, he let himself cup her jaw, giving her support but letting her lead. 

Lauren broke from him but stayed leaning against Klaus, her forehead touching his. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” she admitted. 

“I’m sorry I took so long,” Klaus murmured. 

“It’s okay!” Lauren assured, sitting back so she could look at him. The clear happiness in her face assured Klaus he was doing okay. He was pleasing her. 

“Do⏤? ” he stopped, unsure if he was ready to offer up more or not. But in the next moment, he thought of how close he had come to losing her and how long he had denied her what she was entitled to. He owed her so much. “Do you want to⏤?” Klaus almost choked, unable to get the word out but hoping that she would fill in the blanks herself. 

Lauren blinked. “Now?” 

“Not if you don’t want to!” he assured her quickly. “I just, uh, thought you might want to after I kept you waiting but whenever you’re ready! I’m sorry!”

“It's okay,” Lauren smiled. She kissed him again lightly. “I’m more than ready. And you were worth the wait.” 

“Right.” Klaus tasted bile and suppressed it by pressing his lips to Lauren’s collarbone. As their kisses deepened and her hands began to roam, Klaus left his body. 

For the first time in years, he took himself away from the real world. He concentrated on the grass of his gray meadow as his hand ran through Lauren’s soft hair, imagining the breath against his cheek was the wind in the grass. With his mind gone, his body took over, moving him on muscle memory. 

When Lauren pushed lightly on his chest, Klaus followed her lead, allowing her to lay him back, keeping his panic pressed down with every fiber of conscious thought he still possessed. The truth of what was happening in the moment played over his mental safe place like sharpie bleeding through thin paper. He closed his eyes against the vertigo-inducing swirl of images.

Ultimately, that was his mistake.

Because when Lauren climbed on top of him, he lost focus for just an instant. For a split-second, all Klaus knew was that he was scared and the floor was hard against his back and he was _trapped._

Klaus flinched, his breath hitching as a hand trailed over his chest, exactly where his port once lay. The weight on top of him froze, no longer shifting, just a still presence over him. 

“Klaus?” 

He opened his eyes.

Lauren sat above him, her hand hovering just over his chest and her worry clearly displayed on her face. “Are you okay? Oh, fuck, did I hurt you?” She blushed. “If I’m too heavy⏤”

“No!” Klaus interrupted quickly. “No, it’s okay. You’re fine.” He tried to smile at her, but it looked too manic to be reassuring. “Sorry, just a weird body-tic thing. You can keep going.” He reached out for her hand to guide it back down to his chest. His own hand was shaking.

“Klaus, stop.” Lauren slid off of him. Klaus tried not to let his relief show. “Something’s wrong,” she insisted, frowning at him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing!” Klaus insisted as he too sat up. He felt almost dizzy, still transitioning from his space in his head to the real world again. He closed the distance between them, stopping just before he touched Lauren. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to do that. I won’t do it again.”

“Klaus,” Lauren was deeply confused and slightly concerned as she stared at him. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

Panic flared in Klaus. If he didn’t understand what the problem was, he couldn’t fix it and then Lauren would leave. Holding desperately to his veneer of calm, he asked as casually as he could, “Then what’s the problem?”

“I,” Lauren didn’t seem to know what to say to that. “I want to make sure that you’re _okay.”_

Klaus smiled. He knew she was _good._ No one else had ever been so worried if it would hurt. “You don’t have to worry. It’s okay, I promise. You can keep going.” He tried to lean back in to kiss Lauren again but she pushed him away abruptly, forcing Klaus to throw out a hand to stop himself from falling. He stared at her in surprise. 

His shock was reflected on Lauren’s face as she said, “You don’t actually want this, do you?”

The world was crumbling around Klaus as his carefully laid plans fell apart. “I’m sorry! I promise I’ll do better,” he begged. “I’ll make it good.”

She wrenched herself away from him. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, Klaus, but I don’t want your, your⏤” she grappled to find the word. “ _Pity fuck_ of whatever this is.” Lauren was enraged as she stood, taking several steps away from Klaus who knelt crumpled on the floor. 

“But,” he protested, “I thought you wanted me. I thought you’d be happy.”

“I told you, if you’re not into me I _don’t_ want it.”

“But you were so unhappy” Klaus insisted, still not understanding where the problem was. “I thought this is what you wanted from me. Not that I mind! Like I said, it’s okay. Really. I don’t mind. I’m sorry. I can be better.” He forced himself to smile again, trying to look more genuine, desperately strangling his panic back into its little box. 

Something in Lauren’s expression shifted. “Klaus,” she said slowly. “Why did you kiss me?”

“I thought you wanted me to,” Klaus responded slowly. “Was I wrong?”

“I⏤” Lauren looked frustrated and confused. “I like you, Klaus. I would be happy to kiss you, but I’m worried that you don’t want to kiss me.”

“I love you!” Klaus said quickly.

Lauren’s body jumped.

He rushed to explain more. “I wouldn’t lie that I care about you. I swear. I wanted to do this for you. You don’t have to feel bad. It’s okay.” 

“Klaus,” Lauren said, her voice sounded a little broken. It made Klaus uncomfortable. “Klaus, I don’t want to have sex with you, if you don’t want to have sex with me.”

“But⏤”

“If you say ‘it’s okay’ I swear to⏤!” At the way that Klaus shrunk back, his eyes going wide, Lauren stopped himself. “Fuck,” she cursed under her breath, rubbing her forehead. “Klaus, I want you to answer me truthfully. Do you, _you,_ want to have sex? Don’t say _it’s okay_ because you think that’s what I want you to say. Answer me; do you _want_ to have sex? Or make out? Or even date me for that matter?”

“I⏤” Klaus knew that there was something he was missing but he couldn’t figure out what it was. “I like you. I want to make you happy. You’ve been so nice,” he stood, taking a few tentative steps toward Lauren. Klaus took her hand, guiding it to his waist. He started to reach around Lauren’s neck again to press himself close. “If this is what I need to do to keep you, then it’s okay.”

“For fuck’s sake!” Lauren batted Klaus’s hands away angrily, pushing him back. 

Klaus stumbled and took a tiny sharp breath, raising his hand over his face, all his training completely forgotten, as if he had never left Earl’s house. No blow came and slowly, Klaus opened his eyes to see Lauren staring at him in horror. 

“Klaus⏤”

He dropped his arm, his facing burning in shame. “I don’t⏤ I’m sorry.” He couldn’t look at Lauren as he quickly ducked past her. “I should just go.”

“Klaus, wait.”

He stopped. 

“Klaus, look at me,” Lauren’s voice shook as she commanded him. 

He turned slowly to face her, cringing. 

Her eyes were brimming with tears. “Klaus,” she said again, like it tore her in two. 

“I’m sorry⏤”

“No!” At Klaus’s harsh flinch, Lauren softened her voice, looking wrecked. “No. Klaus, I, god, don’t apologize. Please.” She seemed to be fighting to keep from sobbing as she spoke. “I am so sorry, Klaus.” 

“It’s o⏤”

“Please don’t say _it’s okay._ ” Lauren pressed the heels of her hands over her eyes. 

“Okay,” Klaus whispered. 

There was a long silence before Lauren spoke again. “Klaus,” she said carefully, finally looking at him again, grave seriousness in her gaze. “I don’t know exactly what I said or did that made you feel like,” she swallowed as if sickened. “Like you had to… _offer up_ yourself. But I swear on my fucking life that I will never ever want sex or anything from you if you don’t want to give it to me.” 

“But it’s okay, Lauren. I don’t mind⏤”

“You shouldn’t just not mind, Klaus!” Lauren cried. “You should WANT to have sex when you have sex!”

“I can pretend better,” Klaus begged. “I’ve done it before! I just, I’m out of practice. I won’t ruin it next time. Please, just let me fix it.”

“Klaus,” Lauren nearly sobbed. “That’s not okay. I want you to _want_ to have sex with me because _consent_ is important to me. I don’t want you to pretend to want it. I want you to genuinely want to have sex. And not just with me. Just, just _in general,_ Klaus. I want you to give enthusiastic free consent every single time you have sex with anyone.

“Because yes, I, I do, you know, _like_ you, but more important than that I _love_ you. As a dear, dear friend. I want you to be safe and respected and cared for. I would never ever force you to use your body like that.” She shook her head at him, lost and defeated. “I would never _rape_ you, Klaus. And I’m struggling to comprehend how you could think⏤” 

That word sent a shock through his body. “What? No, I would never suggest you would⏤”

“Klaus, that’s what you're describing to me.” 

“No, no it’s not,” he insisted desperately. 

“Yes, Klaus. It is. Knowing that you don’t want to have sex with me but continuing anyway? That would be rape _.”_

“But⏤”

“Klaus, who told you otherwise? Who told you that you had to force yourself?”

He paused. “No one.”

“Klaus⏤”

“I just⏤ ” He was reeling, desperately trying to piece together the jagged scraps of his reality into an image that made sense.

Over the past years, Klaus had been confronted many times with the fact that his life and his childhood were both far from normal. Every time he came to another realization that not everyone experienced the same level of violence or trauma he did, Klaus was left off-balance, startled by just how much of a _freak_ he was. 

This particular moment was harder than most.

“No one ever really told me,” he admitted quietly. “It’s just that no one else ever wanted me for anything else. No one else ever cared before.”

The silence after he spoke was so oppressive Klaus wished he could take it back.

 _“Fuck,”_ Lauren finally said, her voice cracking. 

Klaus stood, his arms limp at his sides, watching Lauren watching him. He didn’t know what to say, so he shrugged weakly. “I'm sorry?” he tried. 

“Klaus,” she croaked. “Don’t apologize.”

“Okay.” 

Lauren sighed at that, grimacing.

Klaus didn’t know what he did wrong to get that response, but he bit his lip to keep from apologizing again. It didn’t seem like Lauren wanted him to do that.

“God, Klaus. Are you okay?” she finally asked. She wrapped her arms around herself, shifting anxiously, but stayed where she was, nearly a full room’s length from Klaus. 

Still somewhat confused and unsure of what he had done wrong, Klaus shrugged awkwardly. “Fine.” 

“It’s okay to not be fine,” Lauren assured him softly. 

Klaus shrugged again, helplessly. 

Lauren sighed. 

“I think I should go,” Klaus said again, shifting uncomfortably. 

“If you want to,” Lauren said kindly. “You can. But I’m not kicking you out or anything, Klaus. I’m not angry at you. I still want to be friends with you. I… love you. I hope you know that.”

He nodded stiffly, his emotions so scattered and confused he no longer could think about anything other than getting as far away as possible. “Okay.”

“Okay,” she agreed softly. “I’ll talk to you soon. Alright?”

Klaus nodded again, edging towards the door. 

“Text me when you get home okay? So I know you’re safe?”

He muttered an agreement and bolted. 

  
  
  
  


“What happened?” Ben demanded immediately after Klaus let him through. He’d arrived back home and all but collapsed on his own couch, reaching out to Ben on instinct. 

Klaus didn’t respond immediately, his gaze stuck on something only he could see, memories replaying in all their horrifying glory.

“Klaus?” Ben urged, crouching before him. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t get through to you. I don’t know why. One minute I was here and then I was _there_ and I was trapped and I’m so sorry, I⏤”

“I didn’t let you,” Klaus whispered. 

“What?”

“I wasn’t letting you through.”

Ben blinked. “Why?”

“I wanted privacy.”

“For what?”

He took a long pause before he responded. “I went to see Lauren.”

“Okay?” Ben was still lost.

“I told her I did have feelings for her after all.”

“What? Why? Wait⏤ you do?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“I thought that was what she wanted.”

“Klaus,” Ben whispered, beginning to realize what had happened.

“I offered to give it to her. Give her me”

Ben took a painfully ragged gasp. 

Before he could say anything, Klaus continued, “No one else cared what I wanted,” Klaus croaked. 

“I know,” Ben murmured. 

“I thought— well I _thought._ That’s what everyone has always wanted from me.”

“I know.”

“I thought if I didn’t, I would be alone again.”

Ben paused. “You’re not alone, Klaus. I’m here. _When you let me_.” He didn’t put as much force into that reprimand as he wanted to. He couldn’t. Not when Klaus looked moments from falling apart.

“I know. But I want her here too.”

“I know,” Ben said, the words heavy. 

“And now I’ve ruined everything.”

Ben’s heart dropped. “Klaus, did you and Lauren⏤?”

“No. No, she, uh, realized.”

“Realized?”

“That I didn’t really want to. I,” he cleared his throat. “She said no. She said that if I didn’t really want to do it, then I shouldn’t. She was upset, but not at me. She was upset because she was worried that I was hurt.”

“Lauren,” Ben said, his voice trembling with relief and rage and grief for everything that had happened to Klaus to make him so confused that his best friend didn’t rape him. “Is a good friend. She saw that you didn’t really want to do it?”

“I got scared,” Klaus admitted, embarrassed by his vulnerability. “It was dumb.”

Ben tried to shove every bit of meaning he could into his words. “It’s not dumb, Klaus.”

“I don’t know why I acted like that. I should have been better. I’ve done it so many times.” Klaus’s eyes were far away as he spoke. “Lauren wouldn’t have even hurt me. I, I don’t know why I flinched. I just remembered⏤ ” he broke off. 

“I’m so glad you didn’t go through with it,” Ben told him, carefully kneeling down beside Klaus. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug Klaus but that ability still eluded them. 

Klaus buried his hands in his hair, tugging it roughly in his distress. “But now she is going to leave me for real.”

“Not if she is really your friend.”

“But why would she stay?” Klaus asked, his voice hollow and full of pain. “I offered her the only thing I have to give and she turned it down.”

“Klaus, you have so much more than that,” Ben told him, his voice pleading with Klaus to see his own value. 

Klaus smiled a broken jaded smile. “I wish that were true, Benny,” he whispered. His eyes welled with tears again and he sobbed. 

Ben’s heart broke as he was forced for yet another time to watch as Klaus sat crumpled and crying, unable to do anything to help him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter is going to be dealing heavily with Klaus's issues with consent and past assault/abusive relationships. The most significant scene includes a character attempting to force themselves to have sex when they don't want to and because they feel like they "owe" it to someone. (It stops after some kissing/making out and no sex actually occurs.) There is discussion of past times when people didn't care about their partner giving consent (non-graphic and non-specific, mostly just referencing the concept/vague reference to events in Lost in the Middle) and a character experiencing some non-graphic flashbacks to past assault/abuse. 
> 
> I will put extra ***** to mark the section where most of this happens (aka the last section). 
> 
> If you want to skip this chapter/scene and need a summary of what happens or need more info before proceeding please contact me [ here](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/ask). I want everyone to feel safe.
> 
> ****
> 
> Hey I know this was a heavy one and I'm sorry but after everything that happened in Lost in the Middle, I thought that it was appropriate to actually talk about how Klaus's views on sex and relationships are pretty messed up. Another trauma he needs to work through! Yay...
> 
> I tried to balance the tone of this chapter with some happy stuff with Lillian interwoven with the heavy stuff. Tell me if you liked it??? Or did it feel weird? 
> 
> As always, many thanks to those who commented last week! I love you all! Please comment some more?????????????????
> 
> Love,  
> [ Aye of Newt](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/)


	5. Immolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion that everyone has been waiting for, but not the one they've been asking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at the end
> 
> Hello! Thank you as always for reading and an extra thank you to all the wonderful people who commented on last chapter! 
> 
> It's been... an interesting week to say the least for those of us in America. (Unfortunately, I haven't had much time to check up on the rest of the world as I'm trying to process the whole failed civil war thing... are you non-Americans okay???) I hope everyone is feeling alright and finding time to do things that aren't worrying over the state of the world and/or questioning if humanity is worth saving from itself. 
> 
> Anyway...  
> I hope you enjoy this week's chapter!

  
  


Klaus felt adrift in the days and weeks after his disastrous non-date with Lauren. They texted briefly, repeating assurances that neither was angry at the other in an endless round, but both too upset and wrapped in their own heads to fix the gaping hole that had been ripped between them. 

Klaus, though not intentionally self-centered, did not consider how hard the incident had been on Lauren, at least not in the way it actually was. In her distance, he read only contempt and disgust, so convinced was he that she no longer wished to be friends with him and only continued to speak to him out of her inherent goodness. 

He didn’t think about how Lauren had lived her entire life trying to win the approval of others when it was impossible and fearing that if she misstepped she would lose the love of her family and friends. He didn’t even consider the idea that she would be worried about losing him and be waiting for him to make the first step.

His stress over the apparent loss of his best friend and the fresh waves of unaddressed trauma that he had not even fully realized was trauma and yet had been dragged up by the whole affair left Klaus in a fog of exhaustion and depression. He’d barely begun recovering from what happened with Daniel and the book only for the world to be pulled out from under him again. He was always tired, but unable to sleep and found himself wandering the streets at odd hours, searching for a distraction from his mind that wasn’t drugs or alcohol.

The urge to use was stronger than it had been in a long time, but Klaus clung on to sobriety, ending up in NA meetings more often than not on those insomniatic nights. He teetered on the edge, dangerously close to the precipice, but stubbornly refusing to fall. Not now. Not after all this time. He might have thought of himself as pathetic and worthless, but he was determined not to fall back down into that hole again. Not when he had fought so hard to get out. Not when Ben said he believed in Klaus. 

Klaus sure as hell didn’t believe in himself, but he would be damned if he let Ben down again. He was likely the only family that Klaus would ever have. He couldn’t lose Ben too. 

Klaus tried very hard not to think about how much better off Ben would probably be if he moved On and how keeping him as a ghost was yet another sin to add to Klaus’s list of selfish acts. 

  
  


***

It was far too early for human activity on a gray morning almost two weeks after the disastrous kiss that it happened. Klaus had abandoned his fitful sleep a few hours beforehand and took to riding the train in sad homage to his life on the streets and how he had onced passed long, cold nights. 

Eventually, Klaus had gotten off the train far closer to his old neighborhood that he usually strayed. He wasn’t sure what drove him in that direction, be it odd nostalgia or self-destructive tendencies, but as six am dawned, he was winding his way through the familiar side-streets, lost in his thoughts. He was so exhausted he wouldn’t have noticed the figure if he hadn’t called out. 

“Klaus?”

Although it had been years, Klaus still knew his brother’s voice instinctively. He turned towards it even before his brain had fully processed what the sound meant.

Standing on the other side of the quiet street was Diego.

The two of them stared at each other for a moment, silent and equally stunned. Finally, Klaus raised one hand in an awkward greeting. 

_Hello._

“Hold on, I’m coming over!” Diego called, seeming to snap out of this own trance as he quickly checked for traffic before jogging across. He stopped just short of Klaus, looking him up and down while Klaus did the same to him.

Klaus tried not to shrink in on himself, feeling exposed in his skirt and bulky sweater even though they covered what was considered a socially appropriate amount of his body and Diego had seen him in far less. He was suddenly very aware of the tangled mess he’d let his hair become and the deep purple bags under his eyes.

“You look…” Diego began, stopping before he said _terrible._

“Thanks,” Klaus said flatly. He shifted nervously, then offered, “You look good.” 

Diego blushed at his own lack of tact. “Thanks,” he acknowledged. 

There was another pause. 

Ben looked between the two of them rapidly. “Uh, Klaus⏤ ” he started to say.

“Are you⏤?” Diego unknowingly cut Ben off even as his own voice dropped out. “How are you?” he asked instead. 

A part of Klaus wanted to spill right then the entire history of the last few years, tell Diego that he was clean and had a real job and an apartment he paid for through completely legal means. But in the next moment, shame washed over him as he remembered the last time he’d seen Diego and the words died in his throat. 

Since his relapse, Klaus had come so far, or at least he thought he had. Then the past weeks had happened. Hell, the past fucking months had happened. Within that short period, Klaus had failed Ben by being unable to bring him into the physical world. He had failed Daniel when he needed help. He had failed Lauren by thinking the worst or her and by failing to reciprocate her feelings when he had no reason not to.

It had become increasingly clear that Klaus just wasn’t ready for relationships of any kind.

He couldn’t be the type of person that others relied on. 

He would only bring ruin to whatever he touched. 

So instead of telling Diego about his new life, all Klaus managed to say was, “Fine. I’m fine.”

Something that looked confusingly like worry⏤ though Klaus knew it couldn’t be (Diego couldn’t possibly still care so much) ⏤ flickered through Diego’s eyes and his mouth tightened.

“Uh, how are you?” Klaus asked.

Diego considered him for a beat. “Fine,” he parroted slowly. 

They stared at each other. 

Diego did look good⏤ still almost ridiculously buff and dressed in an impressive amount of black and leather. He didn’t appear to have gained any more serious scars as far as Klaus could see. He felt some relief as he noticed as much. Klaus knew Diego was somewhat reckless at times, not that Klaus had much room to judge on that. 

“What are you up to?” Diego finally asked. 

“Not much at the moment, to be honest,” Klaus admitted. “You?” 

“Not much.”

Quiet fell again. Klaus was about to make up an excuse to leave, because, after all, who was he to bring all his bullshit back into his brother’s life?

Diego beat him to breaking the silence as he asked, “Do you want to get breakfast? I’ll pay.”

Despite it being a bad idea, an absolutely horrible idea really, Klaus agreed almost before realizing it, his heart aching to be loved even when his brain told him he was not worthy of it. “Sure.” 

Diego smiled tentatively. “Okay.”

Ben relaxed just a hair in relief. 

  
  


At the diner, Klaus and Diego were seated in a booth in the back corner of the near-empty restaurant, the dim light casting shadows across their menus as they considered their options in silence. 

“Klaus,” Ben prodded. “Tell him.”

Klaus shook his head minutely just as the waitress came up to take their order.

Instead of looking annoyed, Diego smiled slightly, almost fondly even as Klaus asked for the most ridiculously sugary stack of waffles possible to order from the menu. Klaus returned the gesture and some small fraction of the tension between them faded. 

They managed to make halting small talk while they waited for their food to arrive, though as soon as it did they happily took the excuse of eating to fall silent again, having quickly run out of neutral meaningless topics to discuss. 

Klaus was halfway through his meal when Diego shattered the calm between them. “Wait,” he said suddenly, his eyes wide as he looked up from his food.

Klaus froze, startled. “What?”

“You know about Luther, right?”

Klaus’s stomach dropped out. “What happened?” he demanded, his knuckles going white around his utensils, his hands frozen above his plate. 

“He’s fine!” Diego said quickly, realizing how that had sounded. “He’s not dead or anything.” 

“Fuck, Diego,” Klaus moaned, his hands dropping to the table as he relaxed. “Don’t _do_ that.”

“Sorry,” he winced. 

Klaus’s heart rate slowly returned to normal and he centered himself enough to remember that he still didn’t know what Diego was talking about. “What about Luther?”

“Dad sent him to the moon.”

He blinked. “What?”

“Dad sent him to the moon.”

“The _moon_?”

“The moon.”

He struggled to process that information. “Dad… sent Luther… to the moon?”

“Yes. He’s been there for a few months I guess.”

 _“Why?”_ Klaus asked, bewildered. 

“Why does Dad do anything?”

 _Valid point_ , he thought. “To benefit himself?”

“Valid point,” Diego agreed.

“I just… don’t get how this helps Dad?”

“Why are you asking like I would know?”

“I don’t know, Diego. How’d you even know about this in the first place?”

“I heard from Allison.”

Klaus paused. “You talk to her?” A flair of jealousy rose in him before he reminded himself that he hadn’t earned the right to talk to her anyway. She had made that much clear.

“Sometimes. Not very often. Every few months or so. Maybe twice a year. She heard from Pogo and let me know.”

“How⏤ how is she?” Klaus wasn’t dumb. He knew that tabloid magazines and public statements were not a reliable way to tell how someone’s life was really going. 

“Fine, I guess. Working on a new movie. Same as always. Claire, her kid, is doing good too I guess”

Klaus nodded, unsure of what else to say. “The _moon_?” he asked one last time, just to be sure.

Diego nodded sagely. “The moon.” 

Klaus attempted to digest that for a moment before giving up and pressing on. “Do you talk to anyone else? Other than Allison?” Klaus asked carefully, trying to disguise his hunger for information. He worried about them, even if they didn’t worry about him. 

He told himself it didn’t bother him. 

“I talk to Mom, sometimes. But… that’s it. I haven’t spoken to Vanya since, well, you know. Or wait. You _do_ know about the book, right?”

Klaus nodded stiffly, a familiar sense of embarrassment rising in him. Logically, he knew that Diego had to have read it, but being confronted with the reality of it was still deeply unpleasant. Even if Diego had probably already known almost everything in it. 

Diego continued, “I called and yelled at her about it, told her she shouldn’t have published all that information without our permission.”

Klaus wished they could stop fucking talking about it. Thinking about that damn book sent shivers down his back and a panicked tightness through his chest. “Right,” he said. 

“Klaus⏤” Diego cut himself off, seeming to think better of what he was about to say.

“What?”

Diego pushed food around his plate as he spoke. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” Klaus was lost and somewhat shocked. The conversation had taken so many turns in the last five minutes Klaus was having trouble keeping up. And beyond that, Diego apologizing in so many words was bizarre in any context. He was more of a _pretend it never happened and maybe do something nice for you_ apologizer. Words tended to be difficult for the Hargreeves in general. 

Diego stared down at his sandwich as he answered. “I never thought she would publish anything I told her about you. I didn’t even know she was writing, I just,” he looked at Klaus helplessly. 

_So that’s how Vanya knew about⏤_ Klaus didn’t let himself finish the thought, pushing the memories down as far as he could. “It’s fine,” he said quickly. “I understand.”

“I was looking for you. After you, uh, left. I told her because I thought it might help me find you. Not a lot of details. I mean, I don’t know a lot of details. And I think she filled some stuff in, maybe from her imagination or something. I mean, she didn’t tell me she found you so I’m assuming she didn’t?” 

Diego glanced at him for confirmation and all Klaus could do was tightly shake his head no. 

“Though I don’t know how she found out about the uh, jail thing.” Diego looked embarrassed on Klaus’s behalf to bring it up.

Klaus wanted to die. “Heard from Dad maybe,” he muttered.

“So it was true?”

“Yep. Pretty much.”

“Oh. I didn’t know. I mean, after I read that I tried to look it up to see but I couldn’t find anything.”

“Records are sealed,” Klaus explained tersely.

“Really?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Oh. Dad has connections like that I guess,” Diego muttered to himself. 

Ben perked up from his place beside Klaus. “Perfect opportunity. Tell him why they’re sealed.”

Klaus swallowed. “Diego⏤”

“How long?” Diego asked. “Were you there, I mean?”

“Eighteen months, but⏤”

“Fuck. Dude. I’m sorry. I’d have visited. I’d asked some people at my old station to keep an eye out for you but they didn’t say anything. It just didn’t occur to me to check for you in the system when I hadn’t heard anything. Dumb maybe. Sorry.”

Klaus didn’t know what to do with that information. He believed Diego he supposed. Diego could be trusted, he reminded himself. “It’s fine,” he finally settled on. 

“What⏤?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Klaus told him bluntly before quickly redirecting. “You were saying something about Vanya?” 

“Sorry. Right,” Diego cringed before he continued. “I guess, I just, I mean, I didn’t think that she would ever, you know, do that. I’m sorry and⏤ ” 

Klaus did not know how to process all of that and he was getting more and more uncomfortable the longer Diego talked so he cut Diego off again. “It’s fine,” he said even as a hundred questions burned through his mind.

“Klaus⏤”

“Really.” He smiled forcefully. “I’m not mad.”

He examined Klaus uncertainly for a long moment. “Okay,” Diego finally said slowly. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Klaus rushed to say.

Diego nodded. “Okay,” he said again, still looking less than convinced. 

There was a pregnant pause. 

“Klaus?” Diego asked.

“Yeah?” Klaus said, not feeling nearly as relaxed as his tone suggested. 

“Can I ask you something?”

 _No,_ Klaus thought, _please don’t._ “Sure,” he said, every muscle in his body tensed and his nails biting uncomfortably into his palms. 

“Do you have a place to stay?” Diego asked in a rush, as if saying it quickly would decrease the embarrassment.  
Klaus would have been more offended by that question if he hadn’t fully well known that Diego knew exactly what his life looked like a few years before. Besides, he was too relieved that Diego wasn’t asking for any clarifying details of what Vanya had written about to be bothered by such a simple inquiry.

“Yes,” Klaus answered quietly. 

“Is, is it _safe_?” Diego asked, a note of desperation in his voice.

Memories of the night Klaus showed up at Diego’s apartment, bloody and bruised flashed through Klaus’s mind and he stifled a wince. 

With that and the book, Diego probably already knew more than Klaus ever wanted him to. Diego wasn’t dumb. He’d probably figured out too much on his own already, though Klaus could still hope that he never found out the degrading details. He prayed above all else that Diego would never hear the name Earl or know what Klaus let that man do to him. He wasn’t strong enough to withstand seeing the disgust that would surely form in his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Klaus finally said. “It’s safe.”

Diego’s eyes flickered over Klaus’s clothes, still obviously his unique style but nicer than anything he’d seen Klaus wear in a long time and compared them to Klaus’s clear exhaustion and worry-thinned frame. “Is it⏤” he stopped, blushing. “Is it, like, _with someone_ or..?”

Klaus knew what he wasn’t saying and the shame that had been clinging to him throughout the whole conversation deepened. “No,” he assured quickly. “I live alone.”

“Klaus, just tell him,” Ben urged gently. “He would be so proud.”

Somehow, Klaus didn’t believe him. He hadn’t accomplished anything that a normal person couldn’t do with less than half the effort it took Klaus. And more than that, despite what everyone said, he still could not quite convince himself that it was deserved. 

Diego had given Klaus the chance to be a brother again when no one else would even look at him like he was human and he threw it away. He had no right to ask for it back.

“Klaus,” Diego pressed. “I won’t judge. I promise. I know that in the past I wasn’t, uh, the best and I probably, well, I _know_ that I, uh,” Diego tripped over his words and the waiting only piqued Klaus’s anxiety. “But now I know and I promise I⏤” He cut himself off again, seeming flustered and unsure, angry at himself for not being able to say what he wanted. 

“Look,” Diego finally stated, seeming to force himself to just spit out what he wanted to say. “What Vanya wrote, about you.”

Klaus fought the urge to hurl, digging his nails deeper into his palms in a last-ditch effort to calm himself. He could feel the skin break and blood well. The memory of Daniel carefully smoothing out his clenched fingers sent a stab of loneliness and regret through his chest. 

Diego was still talking and it was as if his voice was coming from somewhere far away, like Klaus was behind glass, pinned down like an animal in the zoo. “Vanya, she said something about you being hurt. That there were people who, uh, used you and⏤ ”  
The rest of his words finally lost, drowned out by the rushing in Klaus’s ears. The words of the book broke past his carefully constructed barriers, echoing through him once more. 

_⏤ he may be back in the hands of those who thought they owned him and used his body for⏤_

The memories not only of the passage but of what Vanya was writing about churned Klaus’s stomach and he almost bolted then and there.

Across the restaurant, a coffee cup fell, shattering loudly across the floor. The noise jolted Klaus from his thoughts, while the waitress who had been passing by the booth apologized, assuming she had clipped it somehow despite the mug being more than a foot from the edge of the table. 

“Klaus?” Diego prompted, his voice pitched up in worry.

“What?” Klaus rasped, still coming back to himself. 

“Are you okay?” The worry and guilt in Diego’s eyes made Klaus feel repulsive. He really couldn’t go five fucking minutes without ruining someone’s peace, even when he was trying to keep things locked down where the trauma was supposed to go.“Fine,” he gasped.

Diego didn’t look reassured. “Klaus, if there is someone hurting you⏤”

“No,” he said quickly, standing. “There is no one.” 

“Klaus, wait,” Diego protested, reaching out as if to stop him. “I’m sorry, I’m just⏤”

“It’s fine!” Klaus forced himself to smile even as his voice pitched too high to sound cheerful. “I just remembered I have to go.”

“Klaus, don’t! Just stay, he wants to help,” Ben pleaded. “If you just explain to him what’s happening it will all be okay.”

“Klaus, please,” Diego said. 

The look on his face made Klaus pause. He looked genuinely concerned, scared almost. 

“I know that the last time I tried to help it... didn’t end well. But if you⏤ ” Diego swallowed. “If you _died_ I would never forgive myself, okay? So just let me fucking help you. Please,” he softened. 

_Of course,_ Klaus thought, the pieces finally falling into a shape that made sense. _It's his hero complex. It wasn’t real lov_ ⏤ he stopped his thoughts forcefully before they forced him to get more emotional than he wanted to be. _He just needed to give Diego permission to let go. Set him free._

“Diego,” he said as gently as he could, sliding down into his seat again to address him. “I’m not your responsibility anymore, okay? 

Despite his efforts to be kind, Diego’s face crumpled at that.

“Klaus,” Ben tried to say.

Klaus continued, attempting to reassure Diego. “You should just... let me go. Focus on your own life. You, you’ve always been the one with potential, yeah?” He gave a broken smile as he spoke.

“But⏤” Diego protested. 

“I think that I should go,” Klaus whispered. 

“Klaus, you have potential, you just need to use it.”

“Diego!” Klaus said, harsher than he necessarily meant to. At the resulting flinch, Klaus softened his tone. “Thank you. Really. But you don’t have to… pretend.” His eyes flickered down as he spoke and so Klaus missed the look of shock that passed over Diego’s face. 

He continued, “I know you don’t really want me to like, live with you again or anything and I promise, I don’t need to, I’m fine, really. Ask Ben.” He tried to smile at Diego, finally looking back at him.

Diego stared at him while several emotions fought to take control of him, ranging from offense to deep worry. When he finally spoke, he barely managed to croak out, “Ben?”

Klaus knew then from the devastated look on his face and the instance he had on the belief that Klaus was still a whore⏤ sorry, Noah, _sex worker_ ⏤ that Diego would never believe him if Klaus tried to tell him he was sober. It would have been difficult enough before, but now, there was no chance. 

“Klaus, tell him,” Ben pleaded. “Come on, you work surprisingly well under pressure. Sometimes. Manifest me! I can prove I’m here and back you up!”

Klaus knew even trying would be pointless. He had been struggling so much to master that trick even when he was safe in his home and completely calm. There was no way he would be able to ground himself while panic and memories swirled so close to the surface of his mind. 

He was once again completely worthless when it counted. Just like he’d always been. 

Still, he reached for the power that had become so familiar to him. It swirled and fluttered and refused to bend to his grasp as his desperation grew. 

Knowing that his one chance to have a family was falling through his fingers, Klaus’s heart plummeted and his breathing hitched, unsettling him so badly even Ben’s form flickered beside him. 

Unable to say anything, he just looked at Diego helplessly. 

“Klaus⏤”

“I should go,” he repeated, ignoring Diego. Klaus stood again. “Thanks for breakfast.” He made a break for the door. 

“Klaus, wait!” Diego called after him, scrambling to throw cash down on the table. He bolted after Klaus, snagging his jacket off his chair. 

Outside, Klaus hurried up the street, ignoring Ben’s distressed protests begging him to go back inside and explain everything to Diego. 

“Klaus!” Diego called after him, jogging to catch up. 

Klaus knew he wasn’t going to get away, but he kept walking quickly all the same, not willing to give up. 

“Klaus!” Diego seized Klaus’s shoulder when he caught up, turning him back to face Diego. “Wait.”

Klaus looked at him reluctantly. 

“I…” Diego looked like there were a hundred things he wanted to say. “Can I at least give you a ride?” 

Klaus blinked. He wasn’t ready to let him go yet, even if he knew he was selfish for it. He was a marked man and the twenty minutes that the ride would take was to be his last supper, a final moment of grace and comfort before he was to go to his fate. “Okay,” he agreed slowly. 

“Good.” Diego relaxed slightly. “Good.”

Klaus gave him the address of his building, a small part of him hoping that when Diego saw that it was actually a nice place, he might be inclined to listen to Klaus. He might be able to convince him he was sober. 

Even if Diego didn’t want him in his life anymore, which was understandable, he would at least be free of the misplaced guilt he seemed to carry. Diego always was such a hero, trying to save everyone even when it wasn’t his responsibility. Reginald had drilled it into him but Diego had made it something beautiful. He actually cared. Too much, probably. If he couldn’t do anything else, Klaus could at least lighten the load by removing himself as a burden. 

He thought back to a conversation that he had once had with Noah, not long before Klaus left rehab. His therapist had assured him that it was normal to grow apart from people. That sometimes, relationships ended not because of a lack of love but because people needed to take different paths. Or, that sometimes, people could love each other, but not be good for each other. Perhaps that was the best way to describe him and Diego. Or at least, Klaus wasn’t good for Diego. 

Klaus knew that he could be selfish. What had the first twenty-odd years of his life been if not a selfish downward spiral? But he was supposed to be getting better about that. He was supposed to be better now. He wanted his family. He wanted to be brothers with Diego. But he wasn’t good for him. 

Klaus had just never been good enough. 

So it was time that he let Diego go. 

Klaus would do it as gently as he could, let Diego know kindly that he’d completed his duty, that it wasn’t his fault that Klaus had turned out a broken mess because it was becoming increasingly clear that Klaus was incapable of being anything else. Still, it would hurt all the same. Klaus only hoped it hurt him worse. He’d done enough damage already. 

They drove in silence, Diego stealing odd glances at Klaus in the rearview mirror. He hadn’t said anything about him sitting in the back, but it was clear he was confused by it. 

Klaus didn’t know how to explain that Ben liked the front seat best and it was one of the only things that Klaus could actually give him to make his cursed existence that he’d been damned to by Klaus’s own selfishness just a shred more bearable. 

So he didn’t say anything at all. 

Klaus was so absorbed in his thoughts he didn’t realize they had gone off course until they were already stopping. He looked around in confusion. “Diego? This isn’t⏤” Klaus fell silent as he realized where they were. 

Diego had driven him to a rehab center. 

Even though he had urged Diego not thirty minutes before to let him go, and was mentally preparing a speech about how he should do just that the entire car ride, it hurt like a raw, gaping wound that he was prepared to do so so easily. It was one thing for Klaus to walk away, setting Diego free. It was another for him to drop Klaus off like a sweater he no longer wanted, firmly casting him off as someone else's problem. Klaus blinked back tears and scolded himself for being so emotional over something he knew was only fair.

“Klaus,” Diego said carefully, “I know you don’t want to go, but⏤”

Against his better judgment, against everything that he had just convinced himself was right, Klaus spoke, the fear of abandonment stronger than anything else for just a moment. “Diego, I’m clean.”

“Finally,” Ben sighed. “Thank god.”

Diego paused. “What?”

“I’m clean,” Klaus repeated. “I have been for a while. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before but⏤”

“Klaus,” Diego cut him off, his voice thick with disappointment. “Come on. Just, just _don’t.”_

“I’m not lying! I promise. I’m clean! Come on, I can call my sponsor right now.”

Darryl would pick up. He always picked up, even that time that Klaus had called him at one am because it was the anniversary of Ben’s death. Klaus had been crying too hard to form a connection with Ben and he’d wanted more than anything to be able to see him in that moment, even to the point that he was willing to dose again just to make sure that Ben didn’t have to spend that night alone. Darryl had calmed him down that time. He probably could again. 

Diego sounded exhausted as he said, “Klaus, just stop lying, okay? You just admitted you still see Ben. And, well, look at you. Dude, you’re a mess.”

He was so desperate to prove himself to Diego, Klaus let the comment about his appearance go by unremarked upon. “I’ve learned to control my powers. I can do it sober now, just, just give me some time to calm down a little and I can show you. Diego, I _swear_ ⏤” His ribs were constricting on his lungs even as he spoke and Klaus felt like his spine was about to snap under the pressure of it. 

“Klaus, I’m sorry. But your promises don’t mean much, not after what’s happened. I just, I can’t trust you, not about this. Come on. You have to understand that.”

It would have hurt less if Diego had run one of his knives through Klaus’s heart, not in small part because Klaus knew Diego was totally justified. “I know,” he tried again, his voice cracking wetly. “I know, Diego, but I promise. I swear I can prove it, Diego, just please believe me. Give me a chance⏤”

“Klaus,” Diego said, “If you do this, then maybe I can start doing that again. But right now I just can’t. I am trying to help you, damn it!” He slammed his hand on the steering wheel and Klaus flinched back reflexively. Realizing, or maybe remembering, how loud voices like that scared Klaus, Diego softened again. “Please,” he said, his voice more vulnerable than it had been in years. 

Looking at Diego’s wide puppy-dog eyes, so full of sincerity, Klaus came to the bitter realization that he would never convince Diego. His fears that he had done something irreparable that night he walked out of that apartment were justified. In that moment, the tiny part of him that still held out hope for a happy ending, however undeserved, shriveled into nothing. All that was left was his conclusion that, one way or another, he had to release Diego from his self-imposed duty of serving as Klaus’s protector. He deserved more than the damned life that that had to be. 

“Okay,” Klaus said. 

“Okay?” Diego repeated surprise and heartbreaking hope in his voice. 

“Okay?” Ben repeated, incredulous. 

“Okay,” Klaus confirmed. 

“Klaus,” Ben said, panic clear in his voice. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing but it’s a bad idea. Actually, this is the dumbest fucking thing you have ever done, and that is saying a lot. I swear on my own fucking grave if you don’t tell him right now⏤”

Klaus cut the connection between them harshly, forcing Ben out of his world, and followed Diego into the building. 

Diego filled out most of the paperwork. Klaus stayed mostly silent throughout the intake, answering the questions asked of him with minimal detail. When it came time for Diego to leave, he hugged Klaus, telling him he would be back to visit the next day and that he was proud of him. 

Those words simultaneously sent affection and pain through Klaus’s chest. He’d longed to hear them for so long, but they had finally come only as the result of a lie, and only before Klaus was preparing to betray Diego for what he prayed would be the last time, for both their sakes. Klaus didn’t know if he could go through losing Diego a fifth time. The first four had been devastating enough. The hope and then crushing defeat wrecked him every time and Klaus’s resilience weathered with each blow. 

His only comfort was that he had found the perfect way to force Diego to step away from Klaus’s train wreck of a life and find his own happiness. It would crush both of them to do it, yes. And it would be hell coming back from it. Still, it had to be done.

Even so, guilt twisted Klaus’s stomach. He forced himself to smile but couldn’t form any words in response to Diego’s kind words, so much more meaningful to Klaus than even any _I love you_ , even if they were sure to be revoked by the following morning. He waved goodbye as Diego walked out the door, his heart clenched painfully as he contemplated what Diego would think when he came back⏤ if he actually came back⏤ and realized Klaus was gone

Undoubtedly, he would think, he would _know_ , that every dark thought, every doubt he had about Klaus was true. It ruined Klaus, having worked so fucking hard to put those things behind him in the desperate dream of his family somehow loving him again. But if it meant that Diego was free of Klaus’s burdens, it was worth it. Wasn’t that what Diego was always trying to convince Klaus of? That being a hero was putting the needs of others before his own? Even when, _especially when,_ you got no glory for it? 

Well, Klaus certainly wasn’t going to receive any glory for what he was about to do. But that was fine, he was used to people thinking the worst of him. So long as Diego finally got his happiness, his freedom from what appeared to be the last grotesque thing that still tied him to the Academy, it was worth it. 

The rehab staff was sad to see Klaus go almost immediately after his arrival. He was held only under voluntary commitment, meaning they couldn’t actually stop him from leaving, though they tried to talk him out of it. They didn’t seem to believe him either when Klaus insisted that he was fine. He showed them his sobriety chip and did his best to explain the strange situation. He wasn’t sure if anyone was convinced by that or not⏤ though he did offer to piss in a cup, which they declined, so really, as far as Klaus was concerned, it was their own fault they still doubted him. 

As he stepped out into what was by then late afternoon light, Klaus was drained and distracted enough by the events of the day that he didn’t notice Diego’s car still parked down the street, or the bitter disappointment on Diego’s face as he watched Klaus leave rehab not even an hour after checking in. 

Diego pulled away, thinking that he had failed yet again and caught in a confusing barrage of emotions, ranging from anger at himself to anger at Klaus to deep rotting despair. 

Despite Klaus's purpose for breaking his heart, Diego never gave up the search, not really. Over the next years, he would continue to check the obits obsessively and respond to every overdose he heard on his scanner, worrying every time that he would find Klaus when he arrived at the scene and knowing that if he did it would be his fault. He looked through shelters and the old neighborhood and found nothing but the desperation and pain of countless others. 

The more time that slipped past without hearing anything about Klaus, the more Diego became convinced that his attempts would never be successful, not in finding him and not in helping him even if he ever should get lucky again. If his reading into addiction had taught Diego anything, it was that he could never help Klaus if he didn’t want to be helped. And as much as it hurt, Diego knew that if he spent his entire life trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved, he would go insane. And so as much as it killed him, as much as it twisted his stomach to think about losing another sibling far too young, Diego began the painful process of grieving Klaus, preparing himself for the day it would all end in some shitty motel room or filthy back alley. 

Of course, he never stopped watching for Klaus, and would never have ignored him if they ran into each other by chance again, but he stopped believing that he could save him. The idea was antithetical to Diego’s philosophy and purpose of life, it went against his every instinct as a hero. Yet, after so long, it seemed the only possibility, the inevitable though tragic end. And, he knew, deep in the part of his body that stored the truth, that no matter how many robberies he stopped or murders he caught, he would always be a failure for not saving one of the people who meant more to him than anything else in the world. 

The great irony, the bitter cruel joke of it all was that he never once thought to look for Klaus anywhere other than the street. 

If he had, if he had believed Klaus, he might have found the truth so much sooner. They might have had years more time together to build a relationship before the end of the world, rather than just a few days. 

But they didn’t. 

  
  


Klaus left rehab certain that he was doing what was best, that Diego couldn’t really want him, that he only acted out of obligation, that it was better to control how he disappointed Diego now than do it later by accident when Klaus inevitably ruined everything by being his own disastrous self⏤ just like he always did. 

***

“Klaus, you motherfucking moron!” Ben shouted as soon as he was allowed to materialize again several hours later.

“Not right now, Ben,” Klaus asked tiredly. 

“Oh no! You are not avoiding this topic, Klaus! What the actual fucking hell in the fuck were you thinking?”

“Wow, Ben. Eloquent.”

“No! No, you are not making this into a joke! I am not letting you avoid this topic!”

“Come on, Ben,” Klaus said tiredly, the thin smile sliding from his face. “You know why.”

“No, Klaus. No, I do not know why, after wanting nothing more than to see Diego again for _Actual Fucking Years,_ you would throw away your chance for a relationship with him the first chance that you got? Explain that to me, Klaus.”

“I know, Ben! I know, okay? I know it was fucking dumb! You think I don’t know that my chances are over with him? I know. So stop yelling." Klaus's voice broke, going quiet. "Please. I fucking _know_.” 

Seeing the slow breakdown as Klaus spoke, Ben softened as well. “Then why?”

“Because!" Klaus snapped. "This is what was going to happen anyway. No matter what I do, everything relationship I’ve ever had has ended in⏤” his voice hitched. “In _pain._ I corrupt everything. I ruined Jason. I disgusted Vanya so much she told me to stop writing her. Then she wrote that fucking book. I betrayed Diego when he had done nothing but allow me to uproot his life and ruin his home and he never even complained. I just got selfish because he didn’t pay enough attention to me like I was fucking four years old. Daniel looked up to me for some fucking reason and I didn’t see he needed me to help. I manipulated Lauren’s feelings to keep her in my life and I’ve ruined our friendship. I can’t even fucking let you be at peace when I’ve told every other fucking ghost in the world to move On because I know it’s so much better than here. But I keep you here because I’m selfish and stupid and weak and I’m _sorry._ ” 

The thing that had been unspoken between them was ripped open and Ben couldn't let that go, not without making sure Klaus knew the truth. “No, Klaus. I stayed because⏤”

Not hearing him, or perhaps just unable to stop, Klaus continued, “I’m so fucking stupid.” He buried his face in his hands. “FUCK!” The curse tore its way out of his throat, raw and angry and bleeding with injustice. 

Ben hovered nearby, longing to reach out and coming nearer to panic by the moment as he watched years of work unravel. “Klaus, stop. Listen to me, I⏤”

“I’m never going to be a fucking normal person, Ben. I’m just so fucked. Fucked over. Fucked up. Fucked out." He laughed, hard and wild and raw with pain. "I’m never going to be able to have a normal relationship. Of any kind. Romantic or family or friendship. I’m incapable.” 

“Come on, Klaus, you’re being too hard on yourself. Just calm down and⏤ ”

“Ben. You know me better than anyone. You know it’s true. You’ve seen what I’ve done.”

“Yes," Ben granted him. "And I’ve seen you grow. Not because you forced me to, but because I chose to be there, okay? So don’t blame yourself for that.” 

Ben tried to remember every horrifying thing that Klaus had just said about himself, going down the list to disprove every single one of them. 

"And Lauren is not disgusted, she’s worried. And Diego? He fucking loves you, Klaus. Whatever you think isn’t true. Yeah, the last time you tried to have a relationship it didn’t work out because of a shit load of baggage and neither of you knew how to handle it. Your addiction wasn’t being treated the way it should have been and your support system was too small. And Diego was going through some other fucking shit of his own, I don’t know. But what’s important is that it’s so different now, Klaus. You’ve gotten _so much better._ So don’t even think that you can’t be in Diego’s life. "

Ben sighed, reaching the hardest part of the conversation, the thing that they always danced around because it felt violating to even mention. The things that Ben knew had happened were far too difficult to even think about so it was easier to just leave them unsaid but quietly understood. But that obviously wasn’t going to work anymore. "And as for what happened with Earl and Jason⏤”

“Was what I deserved. I know,” Klaus spoke with the certainty and grief of a condemned man.

“What?” Ben rasped, shocked and aching at the thought that Klaus could feel that way, that Ben hadn’t realized sooner how deep the self-hatred ran. “No, Klaus. _No._ ”

“I know you think I was asking for it,” Klaus responded, his voice empty of any emotion, as if he were reciting a dull fact that he had long ago accepted. “You were always telling me how I was throwing everything away and if I just got clean everything would be okay.”

It was almost unfair how guilty Ben felt about having urged Klaus to get sober. “I was _scared_ for you, Klaus. And yes, angry at you sometimes. But only because I, uh, love you and stuff.” Despite how close they were, it was rare for the two of them to say that word and Ben would have blushed if he were able. “I _hate_ the people who hurt you, Klaus. I would happily fucking tear them to shreds with the Horror if I still could.”

Klaus blinked in surprise. Ben despised using his powers, even on the worst of the criminals they faced.

“And I don’t think you deserve what happened to you at all,” Ben added softly. 

“Well I do,” Klaus snarled, standing. “I know I’m a piece of trash and I don’t blame anyone else for thinking so.”

It couldn’t have hurt him more if Klaus had called Ben those things. He watched Klaus walk away with a chest that felt like it was ripping open again as it did at his death. 

“I don’t even fucking know why I tried,” Klaus muttered. “I should have known that I would end up back here again. A _whore_ not good enough to touch something so clean as Lauren and fucked up enough that I didn't want to be with her even when she was kind to me. All I know how to do is hand myself over to scum.

"I'm a mess whose family doesn't want me, not really. I'm never going to be trusted. I don't belong in their shiny lives. I’m not someone who can be around kids because no child should see the shit-show I’ve made of myself. I don’t belong at weddings. I’m not a part of a family that anyone would want to stand with them, much less that anyone would want to join. I can’t even go a fucking breakfast without ruining it.”

Klaus laughed, wildly and bitterly and aching. “Face it, Ben. I’ve worked for years and I’ve moved basically nowhere. This whole fucking thing is pointless. I’m delaying the inevitable and fooling myself into thinking I’ll get what I want and in the end that will only make it hurt worse when I don’t. It already hurts. I should just… go back to what I know. What I can do right. And we all know I’m really good at getting high and playing fuck toy.” Klaus’s smile was wide and twisted. “I am god damn fucking natural. I might as well put my skills to use.”

To Ben’s terror, Klaus started to walk back to the door, moving as if drawn by an invisible force. 

“No!” Ben shouted, ducking between Klaus and the door as if that would do something. “You can’t!” he begged as a panic, unlike almost anything he’d felt in his life or death was gripping his throat, his heart clenched in a fist that tore its long nails into the tender muscle. 

Klaus looked at him with sad amusement, his eyes dull with the weight of a thousand sins that were not his to shoulder. He spoke softly, as to comfort. “Come on, Ben. You can stop pretending.” Desperation broke from every word that fell from his lips as he asked, “Please just stop fucking pretending. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want. But after all this time, you should know better than to trust me to do anything other than disappoint you.”

He reached for the doorknob and Ben, in one last fit of desperation, one wild impossible hope, felt the reflex he’d ingrained into his body nearly from birth to protect his siblings at all cost rise within him. With the strength of six people who felt the same, he put his whole being into wishing to stop Klaus. 

He threw his arms out and pushed. 

  
  


And Klaus stumbled back.

  
  


For a moment, they both froze. Ben stared down at his hands and Klaus stared at Ben. Slowly, Ben looked up at Klaus. A tiny smile crept across his face even as his chest still ached with grief at how he failed to see the pain that Klaus still carried. “I’m not going to let you hurt yourself, Klaus,” he said firmly, for once able to back up his claim. 

“Did you do that?” Klaus asked, still shaken.

“I wanted to,” Ben said slowly. “But you let me.” Carefully, he began to close the distance between him and Klaus. “You finally did it.”

“I didn’t. I wanted to leave and you stopped me⏤”

“No. That’s not what happened. I think,” he said gently. “That you don’t really want to go back to that life.”

“Of course I don’t,” Klaus choked. “Who the fuck wants that life?” Tears were finally beginning to trickle down his face as his protective front of disassociation cracked. “But where else can I go?”

“Here,” Ben said, opening his arms. “You can stay right here, and we can find a way out of this. Just like we always do.”

Klaus collapsed into him and Ben let them sink to the ground, his arms wrapped tightly around Klaus’s shaking form as he began to break down in sobs. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispered into Klaus’s curls. “I’ve got you. And I’m never letting you go.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: references to Klaus's past relationship trauma (very vague) and copious use of the fuck word
> 
> ****
> 
> You are free to yell at me in the comments all you want. 
> 
> But, (spoiler) I swear that this is the low point. So you've made it past that! Yay!!!!
> 
> Begging for your comments and your forgiveness,  
> [ Aye of Newt](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/)


	6. Out of the Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus asks for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at the end
> 
> Hello! It's a long chapter this week! Should I have shortened it? Maybe! Did I? Nope. 
> 
> :)
> 
> Hopefully, it's enjoyable even if it's long af.

By the time Klaus had cried himself out, it was the early hours of the next morning. He’d been awake for probably more than twenty-four hours, but despite his complete exhaustion, he wasn’t ready to fall asleep. At some point, he had slumped down to lay on the floor, his head in Ben’s lap while he played with Klaus’s hair in soothing strokes. Klaus’s eyes burned with the need to rest and the stress of crying. He settled on keeping them half-open and half-closed, the world a narrow strip of slightly blurred color. Dimly, he could make out Ben murmuring words of comfort and let himself be soothed by the soft ebb and flow of his voice, not bothering to focus enough to pay attention to what was being said, the sound and presence of Ben enough. 

Time passed strangely. It could have been seconds or hours later that Klaus fully came back to his body enough to register how sore his shoulders and back were from laying on the hardwood. Klaus reached up his fingers to brush against the fabric of Ben’s jeans, assuring himself that it was real. It didn’t feel real. Everything was disorienting and he asked, his voice a barely audible croak, “Ben?”

Ben’s hands paused in his hair, his hand a light but solid presence against Klaus’s skull. “Klaus?” he asked in the same soft tone he’d been using for the last... hours? Days? Centuries? 

“Ben,” Klaus repeated in his voice that didn’t want to work. “I think I need help.”

Ben wanted to laugh in relief and pain and at the way the world washed the wounds of his family with saltwater. “I think so too,” he said kindly, stroking Klaus’s hair again in reassurance. “Let’s get you help. Okay? First thing tomorrow. Or later today, actually. We are going to get help. Everything is going to be okay.” 

“No,” Klaus said suddenly. “I think I need it now.”

“Now?”

“Now.” Klaus nodded against Ben’s legs. “If I don’t go now, I’m afraid of what I will do.”

Ben’s breath caught but he forced himself to remain calm. “Okay. Then we’re going to go now.”

“Stay with me?” Klaus asked. 

The uncertainty and fragile plea in his voice wrenched at Ben’s very soul. Which was to say his entire being. “Always.”

He helped Klaus into a coat and shoes, Klaus’s limbs stiff and clumsy from lack of sleep and being on the floor so long. Ben tied his laces for him and Klaus felt like a child in a way that was somehow both comforting in its care and terrifying in that he was barely clinging onto control. He didn’t say a word though, too spent to do anything other than focus on one step at a time, certain that if he lost focus on the goal he would fail to get anywhere at all. 

“Okay,” Ben prompted gently. He took Klaus’s hand in his own cool but oh so blessedly solid one. “Let’s go get help.”

It was an hour of morning in which absolutely nothing was open other than a few clubs of questionable legality and bodegas, but the train was still running and Ben guided Klaus down to the nearest subway. He placed his body between Klaus and the world and continued his continuous stream of comforting words as they took the long ride uptown, alone except for the occasional stray who looked just as worn and world-weary as Klaus. No one bothered them. 

Or no one bothered Klaus. He honestly wasn’t sure if anyone else could see Ben, if his newfound physicality affected his impact on the world. It wasn’t like Klaus would know the difference.

The walk between their train stop and their destination was not too long, but the night was cold and Ben made sure that Klaus ducked into different corner stores and gas stations to stay warm. Finally, they reached the office, dark and shuttered up for the night. Together, Klaus and Ben settled on a bench outside of the practice and waited for Noah to come in for the day. 

Klaus clutched a cup of shitty coffee he’d bought with the spare change he’d found floating in his pocket to his chest, taking small sips of it to stay awake and somewhat warm. Enough time had passed since they left the apartment that the first traces of light were beginning to trickle through the spaces between buildings. Klaus sat with his head tilted up, watching the sky turn slowly from the black of night to the soft dove gray of dawn. 

He tried to keep hold of Ben, but as he grew more exhausted their hands began to slip through each other. Klaus made a regretful sound of distress when he found himself unable to keep hold but Ben hushed him with the promise that he wasn’t angry and that Klaus needed to preserve his strength. Watching Klaus with concern, Ben controlled his expression carefully so that the pang of loss he felt in losing contact wasn’t noticed. 

When he arrived almost an hour later, Noah’s face quickly slid from surprise to concern when he saw Klaus waiting for him and Noah hurried him inside. He parked Klaus on the couch in his office, wrapping him in a blanket while scolding him lightly about the dangers of walking alone at night and the seriousness of hypothermia. 

Klaus barely paid him any mind, muttering too quietly to be heard that he wasn’t alone, but still allowing himself to be prodded along, only fully coming back to himself when a hot mug of tea was pressed into his hands. 

Ben watched from a chair in the corner, his thumb resting against his lips and he worried the nail between his teeth, the only outward sign of his anxiety he’d shown since Klaus broke down.

“Drink,” Noah ordered, pointing at the tea. 

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to drink.” Klaus immediately hated himself for the absolutely horrible joke. Not up to his standards at all.

Noah didn’t seem amused either. “Klaus. I’m concerned. How long were you out there?”

“Uh…” Klaus glanced around for a clock. His eyelids felt heavy and crusted as he tried to make out what it said. “I’m honestly not sure. Do you mean outside your office specifically or like outside in general?”

Noah blinked at him flatly. “Klaus,” he stopped. Sighed. “I’m concerned by your lack of self-care. I want to work with you on how you value your own safety.”

Klaus didn’t have the energy to protest that he had Ben to do that for him. “I am doing self-care though,” he protested. 

Noah raised an eyebrow.

“I’m here,” Klaus said quietly. 

Noah actually seemed somewhat impressed by that. “Yes, you are,” he granted, his voice sliding more into his usual Official Psychologist tone as he took his own place in a chair across from Klaus. “And what exactly brings you here this… early morning?”

Klaus winced. “I’m sorry,” he apologized, realizing for the first time how ridiculous and arrogant it was of him to just turn up and assume that Noah would treat him. “I can go. I shouldn’t have… I don’t know what I was thinking.” He made to stand but Noah protested quickly, throwing one hand out to stop him.

“Oh no, kiddo. You are staying put and drinking that entire mug of tea. Don’t even think about standing before you stop shaking like a leaf. And while you’re doing that, I think we should have a talk. You know my policy on forcing you to open up before you’re ready, but it looks like you came here to seek out help, which is _good_ , Klaus. I’m very proud of you,” Noah said, warm and gentle. “So we’re going to have the conversation you came to me for.” 

As always, Noah’s praise made Klaus uncomfortable. He shifted awkwardly. Only the muffled white noise of machines and distant people disrupted the almost perfect silence of the office. Finally, just before Noah could prompt him again, Klaus began to speak, his eyes fixed on the mug cradled between his hands as if seeing the events of the previous day with Diego play out in the murky depths of his tea. 

When he finished, Noah let the story breathe for a moment before speaking in a low tone. “I’m very sorry that your reunion with your family was not as positive as you hoped it would be, Klaus.”

He shrugged awkwardly. That was such an understatement he couldn’t form a response to it.

“And you’re certain that you don’t want to attempt reaching out to him? I would be more than happy to help explain the situation⏤”

“No,” Klaus said. “You don’t have to.”

Noah considered him. “Okay, Klaus. If that is your wish. You have the right to decide who is allowed in your life. We are free to cut out those who harm us.”

“Harm?” Klaus’s attention snapped to Noah. “What are you talking about? I harmed him. Diego was only trying to help. He’s never⏤ well, not never, I mean he’s a brother, of course he’s _harmed_ me. But like in a normal way? Or like, mostly normal? I mean, I know I don’t have the best reference point for that kind of thing but he never broke any of my bones or anything. He didn’t harm me.”

Noah seemed to want to say something about the breaking bones comment but refrained, forcing himself to stay on topic. “Klaus, if you don’t mind me asking, if Diego has been a positive person in your life, as it would seem he has been based on the way you’ve spoken about him in the past, why don’t you want to see him?”

“I…” Klaus searched for the words. “I guess, I don’t feel like I… deserve to.”

“Klaus⏤”

"I know! I know! That sounds bad. I will give you that. But come on. You know what I did. You can’t really argue that I didn’t fuck him around and take advantage of him. I shouldn’t just be allowed to just go back to being allowed in and trusted again.”

Ben had to be lying when he said that Klaus was permitted to have that. He was Kalus’s brother. He was too biased. He was just spinning a fantasy to make Klaus feel better.

Noah spoke with that grave but soothing tone which had become so familiar to Klaus. “Klaus, there is a difference between being blind to the past and rebuilding from it. You have made mistakes in your life and, yes, you harmed Diego because of your addiction. However, that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to have happiness or love. It may take time to rebuild your relationship with Diego, but you can have one with him if you want to. You’re allowed to have good things, Klaus.”

“But⏤”

“What about Susan?” Noah asked suddenly.

“Huh?”

“Susan shared during group several times about how she hurt her family. But now, she’s rebuilt her connection with them. Do you think that is wrong? Does she deserve to be cast out of her home? Abandoned?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why do you?”

Klaus didn’t know what to say to that. “It’s just… I’m just…”

“Different from everyone else?” Noah asked. “More special?”

“What? No!”

“Then why do others deserve to be forgiven and you don’t? Klaus, I do say that everyone is special, in large part because it’s true. We are all unique and no one has ever experienced the world in exactly the way that we have. All of our lives are precious. But the thing is, they are all _equally_ precious. Every person is the same in that regard. We all deserve compassion and forgiveness. You are not any different.”

“What about like, serial killers who chop people up and⏤?”

“Klaus, stop deflecting please,” Noah chided lightly. “You know what I mean, I hope. You are not uniquely flawed, Klaus. You are not a serial killer who chops people up.” Before Klaus could protest he added, “What your father had you do does not count. You are no more evil or bad than anyone else. You’re just a person doing their best. And you have put in so much work to get better. I think it’s time you let yourself enjoy the fruits of your labor.”

Klaus mulled over what Noah had said. “I just… I can’t.”

Noah nodded sadly. “Okay. You don’t have to be ready right now, Klaus. I cannot force you to change how you feel or think. If I could, my job would be much easier. No one would need more than one therapy session!” He laughed shortly before growing serious again. “But this is something I want you to work on more, okay? Self-love, remember.”

“Haha, right.” Klaus shot Noah finger guns. They were not reciprocated. 

Noah raised an eyebrow seeming to battle with himself for a moment before giving up. “Klaus,” he said. “I want you to come back to attending therapy on a regular basis. To be honest, I don’t think you should have ever stopped, though I can understand why you did. The transfer program you were in does very well on many fronts, but they could do better in helping people find affordable continuing care after leaving their care. Now, as for who you see, it can be with me or with someone else, so long as it is with someone you trust. That is what is most important. I think that having a support system of trained professions, in addition to that of your friends, would be very beneficial for you. What do you say?”

Klaus knew he was right but still hesitated. He glanced at Ben who gave him a thumbs up. “I don’t think I can afford to⏤”

“I know for a fact that Lillian offers great insurance through the studio, Klaus. Have you ever talked about it with her?”

He shook his head. Vaguely, he could remember filling out some form with her but he’d never thought to ask if his coverage expended to head doctors. To be honest, he only vaguely understood insurance as it was. 

Noah nodded thoughtfully. “I know she can help you figure it out, Klaus. Lillian more than understands the importance of mental health. Or, if you don’t feel comfortable asking her so directly for that assistance, I can help you find providers that would work with your plan and give you a recommendation for who I trust and respect.”

“What if I want to see you?”

Noah smiled. “I would be happy to work with you, Klaus. If that is what you would like.”

“I trust you,” Klaus said automatically. He didn’t even stop to consider it. It was just true. 

Klaus must have imagined the look of surprise and emotion that flickered in Noah’s eyes as he cleared his throat. “Of course, Klaus. Thank you. Should we set up your next couple of appointments right away?” 

Klaus nodded and Noah pulled out his planner with a smile that could only be described as proud. 

From his corner, Ben relaxed for the first time in weeks. It was only with a small flicker of guilt that he thought with relief that the pressure of saving Klaus no longer fully rested on his shoulders. 

As Klaus was leaving, Noah told him, “I just wanted to say again how proud I am of you for asking for help, Klaus. It is a huge step for you, and I am honored that you reached out to me. I am more than happy to help you as a professional and as someone who cares about you as a person. However, I do think you should think about reaching out to your friends as well. They are all wonderful people who would be more than happy to lend you support. Help is always, always out there, Klaus. You just have to ask for it. Okay?”

Klaus couldn’t manage to do anything more than nod. He was too worn to mention how he was sure he’d lost his best friend too, to tell him what had happened with Lauren. There would be plenty of time in the coming sessions to tell Noah just how badly Klaus had managed to fuck up his life. 

***

“You did so good, Klaus,” Ben said as they finally got back home. He hovered fretfully, following Klaus as he stripped off his shoes and coat and made to collapse into bed, the past days finally catching up to him as he crashed. 

Klaus sagged against his pillow, still trying to deny that he could do anything right. “I couldn’t get Noah to see you,” Klaus said mournfully. “I lost control. My powers are still⏤”

“Don’t even finish that thought, Klaus. You made me tangible for hours today. You made a huge breakthrough in your power and in your recovery in the span of like ten hours. You’ve done more than enough today to be proud of.”

Klaus tried to sit up again. “But⏤”

Ben put out a hand to stop him, even if it wasn’t really solid at the moment. “No buts. We can keep working on the powers thing, but for right now, just focus on you. That’s what I want more than anything. Do it for me, yeah?”

There was a long pause before, “Fine. For you.”

As he finally watched Klaus finally fall asleep, Ben thought to himself that he hoped one day, Klaus would do it for himself too. 

He sat watch through the night, thinking of the hundreds of things they still needed to talk about and how he could begin to fix what was strained between them. 

***

Klaus called in sick to the studio, too exhausted to do much of anything other than lay in bed and think about the mess he’d found himself in. Noah’s words about asking for help nagged uncomfortably in the back of his mind. They reminded him painfully of Lauren, how she had scolded him for not calling someone when he was in need after Daniel’s overdose and the book. 

Fuck, he wanted to call Lauren. If only half his current problem wasn’t _about_ Lauren. He doubted she would want to see him at all, and even if she was still willing to listen, it would be unfair to ask her to deal with him when he couldn’t give her anything in return. 

It didn't feel quite right asking Lillian either. Maybe it was because they worked together, but it felt wrong in that moment to go to her. 

And that covered the two people Klaus felt closest to. And even then there were still times Klaus doubted that they could really love him. He struggled even more so to comprehend how Susan and Pete could care, though they still claimed to in the cards and letters and texts they sent, even when Klaus had given so little in return. They had their own lives and could easily leave him behind, but they hadn't. The dark part of his mind whispered that it was because they pitied him. 

Obviously, Daniel was completely out of the question. He had more than enough to deal with on his own, even if he would have allowed Klaus to still speak to him. 

No, it seemed like Klaus was well and truly alone but for the guidance of someone he paid to support him, even if Noah was generous about it. The urge to let go and allow himself to spiral washed over Klaus. At one point in his life, he would have let it take him out to sea to drown. But, he realized dimly, even in the lowest place that Klaus had been in the last year, he was still above where he had been before meeting Lillian.

Through the darkness, that little part of him that had managed to stay flickering with hope even in the most horrible points of his life flickered on, burning even though the wick was damp. It whispered in his heart and told him to have just a little more faith. Because even if Klaus couldn't find value in himself, he believed in the goodness of his friends. He could trust them, even when he didn't trust himself.

With shaking hands, Klaus picked up the phone and did what that tender part of him he so often liked to ignore had longed to do for weeks. 

"Susan?" he said as soon as she answered the phone, his voice trembling with the emotion he was trying desperately to hold back. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I just⏤ I really need a mom right now." 

He could hear her sharp inhale of breath before she steadied herself. "Then you did the right thing calling me, sweetheart. I'm here now, honey, alright?" she said, her voice soft and careful. It enveloped Klaus like a blanket. "It’s going to be okay."

Klaus sobbed in relief and anger and fear and hope and love. 

  
  
  


Susan arrived at his apartment within a few hours. Klaus was pretty sure she'd packed her overnight bag while they were still on the phone. He hadn't gotten too into detail about what happened, his story too jumbled and confusing to make much sense, but she had been able to recognize the severity of the situation all the same. 

Somewhat to his surprise, when Klaus and Susan actually sat down to talk, it wasn't the story of his run-in with Diego that spilled from Klaus’s lips. 

He told her about Lauren.

When he was finished, Susan took a long pause before responding. “So, just to clear about what happened,” she said, treading lightly as she spoke, her fingers wrapped tightly around her now cold mug of tea. “You interpreted Lauren’s intentions as the expectation of sex, and despite not actually wanting to do so, you attempted to force yourself to go through with the act?”

“Yes.”

“But Lauren did not actually intend you to feel that way?”

“No.”

“And when she realized how you felt, she stopped?”

“Yes.”

“She did not intentionally pressure you?”

“No, she didn’t.”

“You are sure? Because if she did, Klaus⏤ ”

“She didn’t. She was actually upset that I thought… She was upset.”

“How so?”

“She thought that I had implied she would rape me,” Klaus told her in a tone that didn’t manage to live up the _can-you-believe-that-how-silly_ smile he forced across his face.

Susan replied the great care as she told him, “Klaus, if she had continued when she knew that you didn’t want to have sex, that _would_ have been rape.”

He didn’t respond, his expression melting back into blank nothingness. 

“Klaus? Do you understand that?” Susan's voice held an edge of desperation that made Klaus deeply uncomfortable. 

“Sure.”

“That’s not a reassuring answer, Klaus.”

“What do you want me to say, Susan?” Almost at once, he winced at the unintentional anger in his tone. 

“Hmm.” She paused thoughtfully, apparently unbothered by him snapping. “Why don’t we try this another way. Klaus, if Lauren had not noticed your hesitation, or if her intentions had been what you thought, how would you have felt? How did you feel before Lauren stopped?”

“I don’t know. Disappointed.”

“Disappointed?”

“Because I thought she was different.” 

“Different than who?”

“Jason. My old clients. Earl. Bobby.” Klaus frowned. He hadn’t thought of the creepy who’d got him drunk when he was fifteen in a long time, and surprised himself by saying the name. He didn't even know it still bothered him. It wasn’t even like anything had _happened._

Susan didn’t ask questions, not even who any of those people were, all unfamiliar to her beyond the little Klaus had shared about Jason. Maybe she put the pieces together based on Vanya’s book. Klaus assumed she’d read the whole thing.

Although, Bobby wasn’t in there at all. That was one instance that Klaus had never shared with anyone, not even Ben. Though of course, he reminded himself, it didn’t even matter. It didn’t count. 

Still, Susan just nodded, pressing her fingers lightly against her mouth. “Klaus, I am so sorry that your previous experiences were so negative, but I want you to know that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.” 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I really am a⏤”

“Well, I do know,” Susan told him sternly. “You do.”

“I haven't done anything to earn⏤”

Susan didn’t let him finish the thought. “You are a person, Klaus. That’s enough. You do not need to earn respect or decency. Your right to being treated as a person is granted to at birth and it is irrevocable" 

“Then why,” his words shook as Klaus desperately tried one last time to rationalize. “Why did they do that?” 

“I don’t know,” Susan’s own voice was strained as she answered. “I don’t know why anyone would do something like that.” 

They fell silent, immeasurable grief for the cruelty of the world between them. 

***

Ben watched Susan take care of Klaus and loved her more fiercely than he thought possible. While it was true that a large part of why he didn’t move on after he died was because he was scared, Ben continued to stay behind, even when the reality of what it meant to be a ghost sunk in, because he wanted to care for his family. He loved Klaus and, in all the ways that mattered, did not resent him for what was Ben’s choice. Still, knowing that he was no longer solely responsible for his brother’s life and safety took a weight off of Ben that he didn’t know he carried. 

And more than that, it filled him with relief and joy to see Klaus finally receive the humanity that he deserved. 

***

Of course, Susan couldn't stay long, just a little under two days in total. She had her real children to care for. (Though she insisted on referring to them as her _other_ children in front of Klaus.) Still, the warm press of her hug seemed to linger with Klaus for hours after she was gone. The brief respite he'd found with her was enough to grant him the strength to actually show up to the therapy session he’d scheduled with Noah, even when his old instincts screamed at him to lock himself away where he was protected.

With every text from Susan, Klaus was reminded that alone wasn't the safest place. 

He had people now. 

He just had to ask for help. 

He kept that mantra close to his heart even as his hands shook and he longed to run back to his isolation and the comforting familiarity of falling into oblivion. 

***

Knowing that he had support didn’t make asking for it any easier. Explaining what had happened with him and Lauren and how it had initially triggered his downslide to Noah was difficult, in part due to the complexity of the situation and in part due to Klaus’s shame. He told him more than he’d told Susan, providing more context and specifics that he'd been too embarrassed to admit to her, not to mention unwilling to expose her fully to the true darkness of humanity. She probably knew most of it on some level, but saying the words out loud made it more real. Klaus wasn’t sure either of them was ready for that. 

When he finally finished his explanation by summarizing the current strained silence between him and Lauren, Noah took a moment to consider everything Klaus had just told him before speaking.

“How would you describe your relationship to Lauren?” Noah finally asked, peering over his glasses in a way that had become almost comforting to Klaus, even as he asked distinctly uncomfortable questions.

“She’s my best friend.”

“Do you feel any attraction to her romantically or sexually?”

“No,” he admitted quietly.

“And yet, you would have forced yourself to be in such a relationship with her, rather than lose her favor?”

“Basically. Yeah.”

“Klaus⏤”

“Look, I know it’s pathetic, okay? You don’t have to tell me. I know.” His nails bit into his palms. He thought of Daniel's hand over his, uncurling his fingers and a fresh pang of loss echoed through his heart.

“Klaus,” Noah said softly, like it hurt him to speak. “I would never call you pathetic.” 

“I know, you’re too nice.”

“No, because that would be wrong⏤ from purely factual biases.”

“Sure.”

“Klaus, you have been abused in some way your entire life. The systems that you have developed to cope with that are not a sign of weakness, but a testament to your survival.”

“By spreading my legs.”

“Klaus.”

“Yeah, yeah. _No bad self-talk_. But it’s true.”

“The assault that you suffered⏤”

“Would you stop calling it that?” Klaus snapped. “I wasn’t⏤” he broke off, ashamed and angry for reasons he didn’t fully want to acknowledge. “Lauren was overreacting. No one ever… forced me or anything. I always went willingly. Even if I wasn’t excited about it, I, uh, _consented._ I say that I was a wh⏤ a prostitute, because that’s true. I gave sex in exchange for what I wanted.”

Noah just watched him, sensing he had more to say.

“It was a business transaction. You don’t have to love someone or like someone to fuck them and that’s still consensual.”

“That’s true,” Noah agreed quietly. 

“I didn’t always really want to, necessarily, but I needed to eat or use so I did it. I chose to. And I loved Jason. I mean, I thought I loved Jason. Even when he hurt me in other ways he never did _that._ Sure, I slept with him sometimes because I thought it would make him happy and then he wouldn’t⏤” he stopped himself. “Jason hit me,” he said simply. “But he didn’t hurt me like that. I always agreed.” Klaus was shaking and he didn’t understand why. He had no reason to be upset. He forced himself to continue. 

“And Earl, he⏤ well, yeah, I mean, he had power over me or whatever. But he was just an asshole. Not too much different than Jason really. Just more centered around the business aspect I guess. He gave me food and a place to live and a supply and I paid him back. That was the agreement. I agreed to it.” His fingers were digging deeply into his palm as he fought to keep from falling apart.

“I see,” Noah whispered, subtly extending his hand to him. 

Klaus gripped it, almost too hard, as he continued, “I owed him for things and he just asked me to pay him back. He hurt me, but he didn’t⏤ I chose to be there,” Klaus repeated again. “I _chose._ ” 

“Klaus⏤”

“Even when I was high or wasted or whatever, I chose, Noah. No one ever made me do anything I didn’t really want to do. I was selfish back then. I protected myself, sure. I took the easy way out. That’s what it was at worst, the coward’s way out of a fight. But it was still what I chose.” Even Klaus could hear how he was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince her. 

“Klaus,” Noah said carefully. “If the only choice is to _agree⏤_ as loosely as I use that word⏤ or to be hurt then that isn’t a choice.” 

“No. It has to be,” he whispered. “Because if it wasn’t⏤” his voice hitched and cracked. “If it wasn’t a choice then that means I was too weak to even pick being pathetic. It means I just am pathetic, that I couldn’t have been more even if I tried.” 

Noah gripped his hand more firmly. “Look at me?”

Reluctantly, he raised his head.

“What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“But⏤”

“No buts. It didn’t matter if you were sober or not or who you thought you owed what. It is always the people who take advantage who are at fault. Klaus, the fact that you have had to use sex as a tool for survival says less about you than it does the people you were with. When your choices are sex or violence, or sex or starvation, or yes, even sex or the drugs that you were dependent on and had no resources to help you quit⏤ those are not real choices. The threat of violence is still violence. The withholding of resources is cohesion. Getting you intoxicated so you let your guard down is manipulation. They wronged you, Klaus.

“I know that it’s not up to me to tell you how to feel about the abuse that was done to you. I’m just here to help you process it. But, it is my job to help you form healthy relationships and understand how your past relationships were not healthy. What they did to you was not okay, Klaus. 

“I am not trying to take away that agency that you did have during that time. And I am not here to shame you for the choices that you made to stay safe and survive. It is not shameful to have used whatever small resources you had to your advantage, even if too many people in our society looked down on things they don’t understand. Even if today you wanted to be a sex worker, I would want to make sure that you were physically and mentally safe, but I would not look down on you for it. It’s just a form of work.

“I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not concerned with how you willingly partake in sex, nor do I attach value to the number of people one has or has not slept with. What I am concerned about is your safety and your image of your own worth. Trafficking isn’t sex work. Saying yes to sex to avoid being harmed in another way isn’t consent. 

“You were wronged, Klaus. I know that just as surely as I know that you didn’t deserve to be. You have worth, Klaus. From our discussions, I can see that many people have disrespected that worth and put you down. For that, I am so very sorry, but I’m not going to let that happen anymore. Not from anyone in your life and not from you yourself.”

Klaus stared at his hands, twisting them over in his lap.

“Klaus, do you feel that you have worth?” 

He shrugged. 

“I know we’ve been working on this Klaus⏤”

“I know! And I’m trying!” Klaus shouted, finally snapping out of the quiet fog he’d been in the entire session. “I tried, okay! I _trusted_ you! I started to believe you. And then,” his voice broke. “And then I told Lauren I didn’t feel the same way and she left me. The same way everyone else has. I’m just not enough.” Klaus stared at a spot of the rug near Noah’s foot, wracked with self-loathing. “You lied to me. I am just… nothing.”

“Klaus,” Noah said tenderly. “That is not true. Not objectively and not in Lauren’s eyes.”

He looked up quickly.

“I know Lauren, and while I cannot go into detail about what she said to me during her stay at Healing Sage for fear of breaking confidentiality, I can assure you that she sees value in you as a person Klaus. Not just a body.”

“Then why did she pull away?” he whispered.

“I cannot read minds, but I can make a guess. I would say that it was a very simple case in which she was just disappointed that you didn’t return her feelings, Klaus. It is a natural emotion after all. But you must know, she didn’t stop caring about you. I am sure of that. I even go so far as to promise, and, I think we can agree that I have yet to break a promise.”

Klaus considered that, nodding slowly.

“Klaus? I have a suggestion.”

“Yeah?”

“What do you think about you and Lauren having a joint session together?” 

Klaus blinked. “You think that’s necessary?”

“I think it might be helpful. You’re navigating a very difficult situation for all involved. It may help to have a professional there to help. Especially if your trauma and PTSD are impacting your friendship, which I believe they are.”

“I’ll think about it,” he allowed. “Can I ask Lauren what she thinks?” He forgot for a moment, how long it had been since he’d talked to Lauren at all. 

“Of course, Klaus. She’s your friend. You’re allowed to talk to her all you want.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course. So you are intending to speak to her?” Noah looked hopeful. 

Klaus hesitated. “I’m going to think about it.” 

He tried not to, but Noah looked a bit disappointed as he told Klaus that was all he could really ask for. “Thank you, Klaus. Unfortunately, I’m running out of time before I need to see my next patient. Was there anything else that you wanted to address before we finish for the day?”

“No. I think I’m okay. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me.” Noah smiled. “Now, if you’d follow me with some breathing exercises…” 

***

While contemplating if he should actually reach out to her or not, Klaus thought for a long time on what the difference between Lauren and everyone else was. He knew on some level that she cared about him, but so had Jason, at first. Caring and kindness was no guarantee that things couldn’t change, not when Klaus had proven time and again that he poisoned everything with his presence. 

It could be that she had started off as a friend. Klaus didn’t have enough experience with those to know if the standards for how much respect one was supposed to be given by friends were different than they were in a romantic relationship, though if what he was told was true, there wasn’t supposed to be. Apparently, everyone was supposed to treat you with respect. Which, frankly, just sounded improbable, in Klaus’s humble opinion. 

The most probable thing that he could land on was that she was a woman. Klaus, on a general note, didn’t put much faith in gender, but he had the pure empirical data to show that cis men were the least trustworthy group in the world. The most likely to turn on him. The most likely to hurt. Sure, Klaus had been hurt by people of all genders in the past, but by no group as much as men. He felt safer with non-men as a whole, so he supposed that it followed that that would be true, even when someone had the justification to be angry with him as Lauren had.

It was the only thing he could think of to explain it. The idea that she simply valued him too much to use him like that was simply too unrealistic to Klaus. 

***

Even as it seemed that Klaus’s personal life fell apart, things at the yoga studio continued to go well, especially after he returned to therapy as his mood stabilized. His small success there became something secure for Klaus to cling to, and it kept him from falling as deep in despair as he did the day he saw Diego. 

Though, as Kim’s four months of leave began to dwindle, Klaus wondered what he was going to do next. He didn’t think that Lillian would just kick him out, but Jan seemed to be enjoying her extra janitorial hours and he couldn’t imagine having to tell her to give them back either. 

Just as he began to genuinely fear for the future, Lillian broached the subject herself, saying as they closed the studio one night, “Klaus?”

“Hmm?” he asked, making a few last notes in his planner.

“I talked to Kim today.”

He looked up. “Oh?”

“She asked me if she could take some more time off. Maybe a full year.”

“Oh.” His heart did a little flip of hope.

“I, of course, want to give her as much time as she needs to be with her family, but I was wondering if you would be willing to continue in this position for that long?”

“Yes,” Klaus spoke almost too quickly. “I’m good. That’s good. Yes.”

Lillian smiled widely. “Wonderful. Thank you, dear.” She planted a friendly peck on the top of his curls and breezed out of the studio, waving behind her. 

Later that night, Klaus wondered if he had been played and Emily’s leave was always supposed to be that long, but found that the idea didn’t bother him much. 

***

The conversation where Klaus asked Lauren’s input on doing joint therapy was… incredibly awkward. They had barely spoken since the kiss and Klaus felt nearly sick with nerves even just texting her, convinced that she would ignore him, or worse, tell him to leave her alone. But of course, she didn’t. He should have known she wouldn’t. She agreed that if they wanted to salvage anything from the wreckage of that night, then they needed to act. 

She didn’t mention Klaus’s reaction or his shame, just that she missed him and wanted to work everything out. She was not cruel or mocking. She did not turn him away. Her words were gentle and kind. Because _Lauren_ was good and kind.

Klaus repeated it like a mantra as he prepared to go to therapy.

Lauren was good and kind.

Lauren was good and kind.

Lauren was a friend. 

Lauren could be trusted.

Settled next to each other on Noah’s couch, an uneasy two feet between them, Klaus and Lauren avoided eye contact while they waited for the session to start. 

It seemed to take forever for the pleasantries and beginning notes to get out of the way, but finally, Noah got to the point, asking, “Lauren, can you explain your interpretation of what happened? And Klaus, please do not interrupt her. You will have your turn after she is done.”

He nodded.

“Okay, Lauren. You may start.”

In stilted sentences that slowly grew more confident as she spoke, Lauren explained how she had always felt close to Klaus, ever since he’d reached out to her in rehab and they spoke about their shared experiences with abusive relationships. She described their friendship as a rare bond, something that was not seen often. Lauren illustrated how after Daniel had overdosed she had been terrified that she was going to lose Klaus. It made her realize that some of the feelings she had been having were not quite as platonic as she once thought they were. 

Lauren told them that, in the month she had been taking care of Klaus, her affection and love for him had deepened and so when he seemed to have recovered and came bearing her favorite flower, she had taken a chance that he might feel the same. “No one had ever treated me like Klaus before,” she admitted quietly. “I thought that it must mean that we were meant for something special. Not that our friendship wasn’t special,” she said quickly. “But I thought… well, you know.” She blushed lightly.

“When Klaus said he didn’t feel the same way, I was crushed. Obviously. Of course, I respected that,” she said earnestly, glancing at Klaus. “But I was disappointed. And I felt like I failed, I guess. Like I wasn’t good enough.”

“Lauren,” Klaus interrupted. “ _Never_. It’s not that at all. It’s all my fault⏤”

“Klaus,” Noah reminded. “It’s her turn.”

“Sorry.”

Lauren smiled. “Thank you, Klaus. But it’s no one’s fault. I⏤ I’m working on processing that too.” She looked at Noah who gave her an encouraging smile. Lauren continued, “Anyway, after he said he didn’t feel the same, I guess I started avoiding Klaus a bit. Perhaps more than I realized. I just wanted some time to get over it. Heal,” she said quietly. “I didn’t mean to _imply_ anything.” 

“And a few weeks ago, when Klaus said he did feel the same way as you?” Noah asked. “What was that like?”

“Gratifying. I was so excited, so happy that he loved me, I didn’t realize...” She looked deeply sad as she watched Klaus. “I almost hurt him. I _did_ hurt him.”

“Thank you, Lauren,” Noah said softly. “And do not be too hard on yourself. You did not act with malicious intent. Yes, damage has been done, but it was not because of cruelty.” 

Lauren nodded tearfully. 

“Klaus?” Noah asked. “Would you like to explain the story from your perspective?”

Swallowing thickly, Klaus began to explain. He skimmed over his past relationships, she already knew most of what had happened with Jason and he kept the details of everything else minimal. Really, all she needed to understand was that his perception of her actions had little to do with Lauren and more to do with everyone else. He just needed her to understand why he hadn’t thought there was anything wrong with exchanging his comfort for her friendship. 

As he spoke, he made continuous glances towards Lauren, carefully examining her face for her reactions to his words. With every small flinch and crease of her brow his guilt and shame for hurting her deepened. 

When he finished, Noah let the room sit in silence for a moment. “Okay,” he said, once Klaus and Lauren had both a chance to collect themselves. “Now we are going to talk about how hearing the other side made each of you feel. We will go one at a time. Lauren?”

“Klaus,” she choked. “I am so sorry, I⏤”

“No, I should⏤”

“Klaus,” Noah warned again, kindly.

“Right. Sorry.” 

“Klaus,” Lauren started again. “I am so sorry that I made you think I only cared about you because I thought I could get sex or⏤ ” she shuddered. “I may have felt attracted to you, but I would never use you like that. Like I said that night, I am your friend. And I will respect you if you want to have sex with me or not.”

“Thank you, Lauren,” Noah said. “Klaus?”

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he began.

Lauren looked like she wanted to protest but bit her tongue. 

Klaus continued, “I didn’t realize how much you cared at first, and then when I did I still messed it up because I wanted to please you so much. I don’t think that you’re like the people who hurt me. You’re not like Jason or… or Earl. That’s actually why I decided I would… you know, sleep with you. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me.”

That doesn’t actually comfort me much, Klaus,” Lauren said sadly.

“Lauren,” Noah tried to say.

Klaus went to apologize again. “I’m sorry⏤”

Lauren didn’t let him finish. “I am less hurt that you thought I would hurt you, and more worried that you would allow yourself to be hurt because of me.”

“But I just said, you wouldn’t have hurt me⏤”

“You flinched, Klaus!” Lauren cried. 

Klaus looked at her with startled eyes.

She deflated, softening. “You flinched.” 

Klaus didn’t know how to argue with that and he ceded to Lauren, who did not look pleased in her victory, only slightly disturbed. 

“Let’s redirect,” Noah said carefully. “I think we may need to take a small step back. Let’s take a few breaths.” 

Although they were able to redirect to an extent, the session ended not long after that, Noah realizing that they were reaching their limits. 

Outside, Klaus and Lauren split with muttered promises of talking soon and gazes that avoided each other’s eyes. Lauren moved to give a hug, but aborted the motion, afraid of doing more damage. Instead, she offered him a tiny sad wave as she got into her cab, leaving him alone on the sidewalk. 

When she was gone, Klaus spent a long time walking quietly, aimlessly, thinking about what she had said, the words running loops that intersected and twisted around each other in his mind. Finally, something small but vital clicked into place. It was sickening as he realized that Lauren had never done anything to imply that she thought of Klaus the way he’d assumed she did⏤ as a means to an end. He had projected that image onto himself. It ripped the air from his lungs when he processed that, after a lifetime of fighting to matter, Klaus had turned around and told himself that he didn’t.

For the first time, Klaus understood what Noah was talking about when he said that Klaus’s perception of himself was damaging. The reason there was such deep tension between him and Lauren was not because of Lauren’s actions, it was because Klaus filtered everything, every word, every action, every glance made by another person through layers of filters formed by years of relentless trauma. He did not understand how to process any attention that was not skewed in some way because even when someone managed to worm their way through every wall he had built, they only reached the rotted core of his self-image. Therefore, so long as Klaus thought of himself as nothing, he would remain so because he would be unable to lift himself from the pit that he dwelled in. 

With that revelation, a single crack formed in the monolith of self-flagellation Klaus kept in his mind. He began contemplating that maybe Noah was right. Maybe he was allowed to ask for something good. 

***

With Klaus’s return to therapy and the relationship between him and Lauren beginning to heal, his emotional state stabilized enough that Ben felt comfortable enough to begin an uncomfortable conversation that they should have had years ago.

“Klaus?” he said, cautiously. 

“Hmm?” Klaus didn’t look up from the magazine that rested across his legs, turning the page absently. 

“Can I talk to you?”

Klaus stiffened but still did not look at him. “About what?” he asked, his voice pitching up just a hair, his fingers tightening around the edges of the magazine. 

“About me.” Ben paused, gathering courage. “And why I didn’t go On.”

Klaus’s breath caught. Slowly, he closed his magazine and turned to Ben. “Okay,” he whispered, already bracing himself. 

Ben came to sit, perching on the coffee table, his legs crossed under him. He looked directly at Klaus so he could see directly into his eyes. “After Diego,” he began, “You said that you kept me here.”

“I’m sorry!” Klaus said immediately, pure desperation clear in his voice. “I didn’t mean to! When you died I didn’t understand my powers well enough to know what I was doing and then after I⏤ I just was so _lonely_ and I know it was wrong and I’m selfish and I’m sorry and⏤” Klaus’s words grew faster and stumbled over themselves as he faced the thing he had feared for nearly ten years.

“Woah, woah. Hold on,” Ben said. “I’m not angry at you, Klaus.”

“What?” Klaus’s eyes were wide and wet as he looked at Ben, panic and confusion clear in his expression.

“I’m not angry at you,” Ben assured him again. “I didn’t bring this up to yell at you, Klaus. I wanted to have this conversation because I didn’t realize how much you blame yourself and you shouldn’t.”

“But I’m keeping you here when you could be There and it’s so much better There and I know you hate being a ghost because you can’t eat or feel or sleep or⏤”

Ben tried to interrupt him. “Klaus, _I’m_ keeping me here.”

Klaus didn’t appear to hear him as he continued to ramble. “Dad made me summon you but I should have actually let you go back when I was escaping the house instead of just pretending like I did and making you suffer and I know you want to leave and it’s okay I promise I’ll let you go I’m so sorry⏤”

“Klaus!” Ben said forcefully.

Klaus’s words cut off in a choked whimper. He cringed back into himself. “Sorry,” he whispered.

Ben softened. “Hey,” he said gently. “Look at me?”

Slowly, Klaus complied and it twisted Ben’s stomach to see the way his eyes had gone dull in preparation for his heart to be broken again. 

“Listen to me, Klaus,” he said, serious but kind. “You did not keep me in this plane. When I died, I chose to come back. Every day, I choose to stay here. You did not force me to do anything that I didn’t want to do. If I wanted to go On, I could have at any time. I didn’t because I want to stay.”

“You can leave whenever you want?” Klaus asked halfway between shock and fear.

“Yes.”

“You don’t need me to do it?”

“Nope. If I really wanted to, I could go at any time. I need your help to manifest in any meaningful way on this plane, but I don’t need it to get to the other one.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Ben said. “You know ghosts don’t have to listen to you, right?”

Klaus nodded reluctantly.

“Yeah. They don’t have to come if you summon them. It’s just that most want to be present in the world, so they cooperate with your requests.”

“Oh.” That actually made a lot of sense and Klaus was a bit mad at himself for never having thought to ask that question before. 

“When I died,” Ben said heavily (that word somehow never got any easier to say), “I had a choice. Between this world and the next, there is space that is occupied with ghosts and lost souls. It doesn’t have a physical existence but just think of it as a room because that’s easier. On one side is the door that you control that lets the dead back into this world. On the other side is a door to On. I could have walked through the other door. I can walk through the other door whenever I want to. But I _don’t_ want to,” he said, forcing every bit of meaning he could into his eyes as he held Klaus’s gaze. “I choose to stay here. I choose to stay with you.”

“Why?” Klaus asked, his voice cracking. 

“Because,” Ben said. “I love you, dummy.” 

Klaus’s face crumpled at that and he wiped under his eyes roughly. “But I can’t give you anything. I’m only just figuring out how to manifest you and that took me so long, you just stuck around for years and years when you didn’t even know that I would be able to eventually⏤ ”

“Klaus,” Ben sighed achingly. He reached out with some hesitation and managed to place his hand on Klaus’s shoulder. It still sent lightning up his arm to touch another person. 

Klaus lifted his head again from where he had been gripping his hair in his hands.

“You are enough,” Ben told him. “Your existence is enough to give.”

Klaus was shocked into silence for a long moment, his gaze locked with Ben. Finally, he managed to stutter out, “Fuck, Benny. That’s… deep.” His sarcasm was somewhat undermined by the expression of absolution on his face. 

“It’s true. So stop feeling bad about me being here okay? I chose to stay. I choose to stay every single day. Being a ghost is… hard. I admit it. But you made it bearable. You made it worth not-living. You’re not getting rid of me so easily, so stop trying alright?”

Klaus managed to smile through his tears. “Alright.”

As Klaus leaned into his solid chest, Ben allowed himself to relax into the hug, resting his chin in Klaus’s soft curls. He closed his eyes and felt more peace than he had in a long time.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Discussion of past prostitution and abuse as well as Klaus's feelings around that part of his life and his perception of consent. It's nothing graphic/detailed and nothing that was not already depicted in Lost in the Middle. This also includes talking through the contents of chapter four.
> 
> ****
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! Please, please, please, please, please leave a comment. I live for comments. I know I always beg for them, but I really do love them so much and I love everyone who leaves one.  
> Love,  
> [ Aye of Newt](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/)


	7. Into the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Difficult conversations are had and a reunion goes well for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at end

Fall began its approach to winter and Klaus’s life pressed on. He went to work and meetings and therapy and passed the time between those things with exercise and caring for his plants and taking Ben out for any fun experience that he could, slowly pushing at the bounds of his powers. 

At least once a week he visited a graveyard and took a walk through the quiet paths, occasionally stopping on a bench to enjoy the day or the company he found himself in. He talked to a variety of ghosts that way; old souls who were waiting for their partner so they could cross over the last barrier together, those who died too young and weren’t ready yet, those who had something left undone. 

Most of the time, there was nothing that Klaus could do for them other than sit and listen. But as he had come to realize in the years he had been attending therapy, sometimes that was all someone needed. 

The work was overwhelming at times, but Klaus’s control had flourished without manipulation by drugs or alcohol and with the work that he was doing on his emotional health, his abilities were stronger than they had ever been. He struggled on occasion, but he didn’t get lost in the flow of spirits anymore. There was an anchor, a tether that kept him grounded to life. Klaus might have joked that it was a will to live, but that was perhaps a bit too close to the truth to be funny, even to him. 

With Ben and Noah and even Lillian there to listen if things got too dark or the ghosts demanded too much, Klaus pushed onward as a still somewhat reluctant, though less tortured, beacon of light for those lost ones who wandered the plane between life and death. 

***

Klaus’s newly permanent position with Lillian paid better than any (legal) job he’d had and when his lease was up, he was able to move into yet another new place, a cramped one-bedroom rather than a cramped studio. It wasn’t much at all, but it had more than four walls and his bed wasn’t in the living room/kitchen anymore. The new place was even a little bit closer to the yoga studio, making his commute shorter, manageable without a train even when the weather was decent. Klaus actually bought an old bike for that very purpose, and under the guidance of Carl, the laundry room ghost of his first apartment who occasionally wandered out of his usual domain for a visit, he repaired it to good working order. He was somewhat sad to be leaving his old familiar neighborhood behind⏤ just not enough to turn down the upgrade. 

The new apartment even had a tiny balcony, only a couple square feet in size, but allowing him to sit outside if he wanted to. Klaus was looking forward to the spring so that he could hang flower boxes from the sides and make use of the old wire-framed deck chair he'd dug out of a dumpster. On the more mild days, he liked to put the chair outside anyway, even if the metal quickly became dangerously cold in the winter air. He never managed to stay outside long, too accustomed to the comfort of warmth after his recent years of reliable shelter, but the fresh air still did something to him. He felt lighter out there, free somehow as he sat, his legs either tucked under him or pulled tight to his chest while he sipped tea and looked out over the city. 

Ben balanced on the railing in a fashion that would be precarious if he were alive, sometimes talking to Klaus, other times staying silent with him, watching as life passed on below. 

***

Noah broached the subject carefully, speaking gently as he told him, “Klaus, I want to be clear. I think that your friendship with Lauren has provided you both some much needed support in times of severe need and that is _meaningful_. In the past few months, you two have made huge progress in overcoming the misunderstanding that happened. However, I think that there are still some aspects of the situation that we have not yet addressed and I feel could be contributing to continuing strain.”

Klaus nodded slowly. “Okay. I think I can see what you mean. Things between us are better but they’re not perfect or anything. They’re not like before. But I don’t really know why.”

Noah nodded. I’m glad that you are aware that there are still issues. That’s always the first step. What I want to talk about with you is how your friendship with Lauren has the tendency to exhibit codependent behaviors.” 

“What does that mean exactly?”

“You are willing to sacrifice all of your well-being and needs to win her love, which you do not fully feel that you deserve. You act based on what you think you should do rather than what you want or what is best for you.”

 _What a read,_ Klaus thought with some amusement before focusing on the issue at hand again. “I thought we were supposed to make sacrifices for people we care about?” He was pretty sure he remembered that being brought up before but it could be hard to keep track of everything he was supposed to do in relationships at times.

Noah, however, nodded, so Klaus must have remembered correctly. “Yes, at times that is appropriate. But you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of others, Klaus. You have to care about yourself too.” 

That seemed a bit contradictory to what Klaus had been taught through life experiences and his father, but then again, Reginald usually wasn’t typically a good source for learning what is normal or healthy.

Noah continued, “And in turn, Lauren has devoted much of her time and resources to caring for you. Which is not necessarily your fault, Klaus. You genuinely needed a great deal of help after Daniel overdosed and you began to unpack your childhood trauma in connection to Vanya’s book. However, during that time, Lauren severely neglected her own responsibilities at work and in her personal life in order to devote herself to your care. It became unhealthy for her.”

Horrible guilt washed over him as remembered her hand-waving excuses for why she wasn’t at work or how she really was sleeping enough, it was fine. He should have been more suspicious but at the time, Klaus was so wrapped up in his own tragedy that he didn’t see what was happening. He could have hit himself for his oblivious selfishness. It was so like him. “I didn’t⏤”

Noah held up a hand. “I know you did not intend for her to do so, Klaus. However, Lauren has her own difficulties that she is working on. Mostly in relation to her tendency to self-sacrifice to please people she cares about. She did this with her parents, with her romantic partners⏤”

“And with me,” Klaus finished. 

“Yes. Now, I am only sharing this information because she gave me permission to do so. Although I would have preferred her to tell you this herself, she felt that it was best for me to help the process like this. I agreed to help facilitate this aspect of the interaction on the grounds that she agreed to speak to you at some point afterward.”

Klaus absorbed that for a moment. It wasn’t exactly good news, was it? It seemed like every time Klaus thought he was reaching the finish line, it was moved further away.“Noah?” he asked, hesitant. 

“Yes?”

“Can this be fixed?”

“Well,” Noah sighed. “That’s a bit complicated. Codependency is difficult. Sometimes the relationship can be fixed, but only with a lot of work. And even then… it doesn’t always heal, at least in the way that you hope it will. I must prepare you for that possibility.” 

“Oh.”

“It sounds scary, but I’m here to work with both of you if that’s what you want. And from what I have seen so far, you two are very committed to doing what you need to do in order to heal. With the progress that you’ve already made, I have confidence that you two will get through this. And more than that, I want to help you overcome these tendencies in yourself outside of your relationship with Lauren. From what I've seen, this is a pattern for you, Klaus. Something that you do with almost everyone that you care about and it isn't good for you. I want to help you improve all of your relationships, present and future. I know you hate hearing it, but it all comes back to your self-esteem at a certain point."

Klaus nodded slowly, thoughtfully.

"I know that this can be difficult to processes," Noah comforted him. "But I think it will really help you. What do you say?”

“Okay,” Klaus gave him a tentative smile. “Let’s try.”

***

It was over a week before Klaus got the chance to talk to Lauren. Or perhaps it was more accurate to say that he spent a week psyching himself up to talk to her. Finally, on their scheduled nail day, a tradition they had begun again as the rift between them healed, Klaus got up the nerve to speak.

“Noah told me you hurt yourself to help me,” he said quietly, his voice heavy with regret. “After Daniel. And maybe other times too?”

Lauren didn’t respond immediately. She paused, taking a deep breath. “I did,” she finally admitted. “But that’s not your fault.”

“I should have⏤”

“You were practically catatonic when I found you, Klaus. You weren’t in shape to take care of anyone, not even yourself. And I don’t regret helping you, even if I didn’t do it right. I meant it when I said that helping is what friends do. I just don’t know where the line of what is appropriate is. I, uh, well Noah says that I don’t value myself and my needs enough. I’m trying to learn how to live for myself... or something.” She paused. “I know this sounds bad, but I can’t help but think it feels wrong to do that. Like I'm being selfish.”

Klaus smiled tightly. “Something else we have in common, I guess. ”

They shared a laugh at that because if they didn’t they would cry. 

“It’s just,” she said, blinking rapidly. “My parents always had so many expectations, you know?”

Fuck did Klaus know.

“They had such high standards and I was always scrambling to live up to them and always falling short. Then I started being expected to be perfect by my teachers too. They were always telling me what a great student I was and how they knew I would go far. They meant well, really. I just internalized it all. In high school, in college, in law school… I used my grades to evaluate my self-worth. Then I used work. Or relationships.” She wiped at her damp cheek. “In my whole life, there have only been two people who didn’t make me feel like their love was conditional. My grandma.” She held up one finger. “And you.” She looked at Klaus finally as she held up the second finger. 

“Me?”

Lauren nodded. “But then I went and fell in love with you. I felt useful when I could help you and my old tendencies to over-work myself came back. The only way I know how to love is to give up everything. I know it’s not healthy. And it’s not your fault. It’s just how I am. When you didn’t feel the way that I did, it was more than a disappointment. It was a confirmation that everything I did just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. I turned away not because I wanted to give you space, but because I thought I wasn’t wanted anymore.” She laughed sadly. “But it sounds like we were both thinking the same thing. How silly of us.” She looked down, avoiding Klaus’s eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Lau⏤” Klaus started to speak.

“I didn’t realize,” Lauren told him, “how my actions might be interpreted. I guess I was still wrapped up in myself even when I was trying to be considerate towards you. I never mean to act⏤” her voice broke. “I never meant to be an _abuser._ I know how it feels and I would never ever want to do that to someone. God, Klaus how can you even look at me? I⏤”

“Hey!” He cut her off quickly. “No, Lauren. No. You’re not… you’re not like that. I didn’t mean that you were. You never hurt me.”

“But you thought I would.”

“Lauren,” Klaus said carefully. “I thought I explained this, but maybe I didn’t do it well enough. I, uh, it was only recently brought to my attention that the way I was treated by other people in the past was wrong. Like, I guess I knew some of it was wrong? Like the hitting. I knew that was bad. I just… didn’t realize that my views of sex were also bad? Like, I thought that was just how everyone thought, I guess? So, like not to be cliche or anything, but it was definitely a me problem and not a you problem. Even when I thought you were, uh, _expecting things_ , I never thought you would hurt me. I… In my head, I chose to sleep with you because I care about you and I think you care about me and I valued that. I know that isn’t super healthy. Well, I know that now at least. But if it helps in some way, I always thought that you were good. I never thought that you were like _them.”_

“That’s not good, Klaus,” she said sadly. “Your standards shouldn't be that low.”

“I know,” he agreed quietly. “I’m working on that.”

“And I’m proud of you,” Lauren said kindly, squeezing his hand. “I’m just sorry for any distress I caused you. It’s been a tough few weeks. To make a massive understatement. The guilt and everything. So thank you. For that. It does help. As much as I wish you hadn’t been hurt like that, hearing you explain it like that makes me feel a little less awful about how I acted. Even if there was no excuse.” 

“Lauren,” Klaus said softly. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this? About how you were feeling? Especially after we started going to Noah?”

“I was embarrassed,” she said. “I didn’t want to admit weakness. And,” she stopped. 

“And?”

“And I felt bad complaining,” she said quietly. “You’ve been through so much, Klaus. So much more than I could even imagine. It felt unfair of me to complain to you when you had trauma much deeper than mine. I mean, I felt like maybe we were similar at first, both having bad relationships in the past, but then you opened up more and I realized I could never understand you fully. My pain could never be as horrible as yours and it was pathetic for me to complain to you when my problems are nothing.”

“Pain isn’t a competition, Lauren,” Klaus told her. “Your pain is just as real and deep and scarring as mine. I would never tell you otherwise.”

“I know,” she said. “I know you wouldn’t. It’s just… really hard to turn off that part of your brain that tells you those things, you know?”

“I know.”

“I’m working on it though,” she said. “I’m working really hard.”

“I’m proud of you,” Klaus said. “And I want to help you. In whatever way that I can, that’s, like, healthy and stuff. Without… giving too much. Because I do that too, apparently. We can practice together. Enforcing boundaries and sharing in equal and appropriate amounts.”

“Look at us,” Lauren said, taking Klaus’s hand in a gentle squeeze. “Noah would be so proud.”

  
  


***

In an effort to expand his powers, Klaus had been spending more time talking to Ben about what exactly it felt like to be a ghost. Really, he should have focused more on that sooner if he really thought about it.

_Oops._

Though, to be fair, Klaus had spent most of his life artificially controlling his powers so it was only in the last few years that he was being dumb. Regardless, he was working to repair the mistake.

“Where do you go?” Klaus asked. “When you’re not with me?”

Ben thought for a moment. “I’m not sure.”

“How do you not know?”

He signed. “I guess I have like, three states or something.”

“Like water!”

“Yeah, Klaus. My immortal soul is like water,” Ben said flatly. 

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I mean, I guess one of them is basically sold... _ish_ and one is more or less gas.”

“Like water.”

Ben looked at him in annoyance but was unable to deny that. “Like water.”

“So you have your rain cloud form and your human form, which I don’t fully get how those feel for you.”

“My… _rain cloud form_ is like I’m just a brain, no body.”

“The dream.”

Ben blinked. “No.”

“Maybe not for you, _weather boy_.”

“Stop.”

“No.” Klaus smiled.

“I’m done with this then.”

“Wait! Sorry! I’m listening.” Klaus propped his head up on his hands innocently, batting his eyelashes at Ben.

Ben rolled his eyes but continued. “I can see and hear and move but it’s all disconnected and not like when I have eyes or ears or a body.”

“Like how?”

“Like I am just an eye and I can see all around me but also an ear and hear all around me but also there is no me.”

Klaus blinked. “...What?”

“I can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t felt it. It’s not a human experience.”

“Okay fair. But what’s stage three?”

“I don’t know.”

“But how can you not know?”

“I don’t know! I don’t experience it often. I guess it’s almost like going to sleep? It only really happens if you make me go away. At first if just feels like grey⏤”

“Feels like grey?”

“I can’t really see anything, but the space feels grey. Or like… foggy. ”

Klaus didn’t understand what that meant but didn’t argue. 

Ben continued, “I think it’s the same space where I first went when I died. The one with two doors.”

“The ones where you can come back here or go On,” Klaus murmured. 

“Right. Like I said, I don’t really go there often. Even when you had almost no power control as a kid, I was in my… rain cloud from most of the time so I don’t really understand that space well. When I get stuck there, I am aware for a bit. It feels almost like my cloud form, but different, something between nothing and being solid.”

“So water,” Klaus interjected. “When I give you a form you’re ice, when you're all misty you're a cloud, and when you’re between worlds you’re water. Got it.”

Ben looked like he wanted to argue but gave up. “Fine. Whatever. The point is, when I’m in that space I can try to come back at first, but then my brain gets all confused and things go fuzzy and I get lost. I don’t stop existing, but I kinda just go into a haze and I have no sense of time or space. Then it ends.”

“It ends?”

He shrugged. “You let me back or the barrier kinda just weakens until I can come out again. But usually, I don’t really understand what’s happening in the moment. It’s like, I spend half an hour being confused about where I am and trying to get back to you and then I blink and it’s over. It’s weird.”

“Is it… _bad_ weird?”

“I mean, I’m not the biggest fan, but it doesn’t hurt. And I can stay there for thirty minutes or hours and it feels the same. It’s almost a rest at times. I can’t sleep anymore so it makes me feel okay to take a break, but I generally prefer to just stay here.”

“Okay. I won’t push you away so much,” Klaus promised. Guilt pinched unpleasantly in his stomach. “I’ll only do it if I really need privacy.”

“You know I can go other places in the world, right?” Ben asked him. “I mean, I don’t think I can go like super far or anything, I haven’t tested the limits that much, but I know I can go at least a couple of blocks. I don’t have to stay with you. I just like to.” He shrugged casually as if it were nothing to say such things.

Klaus startled at the unexpected compliment. “Really?”

“Yeah. If you need some alone time⏤ and it’s _safe_ ⏤ I can give you some space. I just stick around because I, against all logic, actually like you.” The smile in Ben’s tone made it clear he was teasing. 

Klaus grinned. “I _knew_ you loved me!” he cried dramatically, throwing himself across Ben’s lap.

Ben laughed, settling his hands lightly on Klaus’s hair. “You got me,” he admitted softly. 

***

The anniversary of Klaus’s release from Healing Sage came again. 

On that morning, Klaus woke up in his small clean apartment, warm and safe. He made coffee, the only drug he allowed himself, and drank it in front of his window, wrapped in a thick sweater as he watched small flecks of snow drift down from the gray sky. He had the day off from work and nowhere he needed to be. Klaus could spend the whole day in the comfort of his home, the cold shut safely outside. 

“Hey, Ben?” he called softly. 

Ben looked up from the book he was able to hold across his lap. “Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Ben’s forehead folded in confusion.“For what?” 

“Everything.”

Behind Klaus’s back, Ben smiled to himself. “Sure. It wasn’t like I was doing anything else,” he joked.

Klaus turned to look back at him, smiling softly. “And thank you especially,” he said, growing more serious, “for stopping me.”

He didn’t have to clarify what he meant. The thought of that night he prevented Klaus from relapsing still made Ben feel sick with panic, but he forced his expression to hold nothing but gentle affection. “Like I said Klaus, you did that yourself. You just let me help you.” 

Klaus shrugged. 

“It’s true,” Ben said, standing. He approached Klaus slowly, neither of them quite used to physical affection, to touch that didn’t hurt, even after all the years they’d been free. He wrapped his arms carefully around Klaus, still afraid that at any moment his form would falter and he would pass through. 

Instead, Ben stayed solid and comforting against Klaus’s chest. “Happy anniversary,” he added. “I’m proud of you.”

Klaus’s heart swelled. 

***

“Congratulations,” Noah said when Klaus was once again seated before him. “You’ve officially been clean and out of rehab for two years. How does it feel?”

Klaus took his time answering. “Sometimes, it doesn’t feel real. Like at any moment, it could all just crumble away and I will be left back where I started again. Alone. Craving. Hurt.”

“Those are common fears,” Noah assured him softly. 

“I am,” he searched for the right word, “ _glad_ to be here,” Klaus continued. “But sometimes it doesn’t feel fair that I am.”

“How so?”

“I struggled too much. I almost relapsed a dozen times. I only stopped because Ben or Lillian or someone else was there to help me. I haven’t done it on my own. I didn’t earn all this praise.”

Noah laughed a little at that, though it was lacking in humor. “Klaus,” he said, somewhat exasperated. “That’s the whole point of a support system! You’re not meant to do things like this alone. And for you especially? After the trauma that you’ve been put through and how difficult you find it to trust others? Asking for and accepting that help shows _enormous_ growth. You’ve changed in ways that you do not even recognize. When you came to ask me for help, I knew that you had made a breakthrough, Klaus. One of my greatest hopes was that you would one day be able to reach out for support on your own and finally reach a place where you allow yourself to accept the love that others have for you. It was a huge step towards healing and I am so proud to see how far you’ve come.”

“I’m… _supposed_ to ask for help,” Klaus whispered to himself. He blinked and the world shifted. He’d been told that same thing perhaps a hundred times before but the meaning of it had never sunk in. He’d spent the last two years fighting to claw his way out of the pit and feeling guilty every time he accepted one of the hands offered to him because he thought that the goal of getting better was to be totally independent and functional in isolation. That such assistance was a temporary measure meant to keep him from relapsing but was ultimately a sign of his weakness for not getting past that stage fast enough. 

The idea that healing meant learning to rely on others as a rule, not as a last resort, that doing so wasn’t just an unfortunate weakness that Klaus had to learn to cope without as quickly as possible, was so profoundly comforting Klaus felt like he might cry. 

“Klaus?” Noah asked, his head tilted in some concern. “Are you alright?”

He sniffed harshly, blinking back tears. “Yeah. Fine. Just, uh, realized that maybe you’re right.”

Noah smiled. “I love hearing those words, but I have to ask⏤ right about what?”

“That it’s okay to be supported. Or whatever.”

Noah beamed. “I am so happy to hear you say that.”

Klaus shrugged, still uncomfortable under the praise.

“There is one other thing I wanted to talk about today,” Noah said. “If you’re feeling comfortable.”

Klaus nodded.

“As relating to leaving rehab,” Noah began carefully, “Daniel is getting ready to leave Healing Sage in the next week or so.”

Klaus’s tentative euphoria evaporated. “Oh,” he said quietly.

“I know that you have not spoken to him since the overdose, and I understand that you needed time, Klaus. However, you are not going to be able to avoid him forever.”

“I can’t?”

“No, Klaus,” Noah said, kind but chastising. “You are going to have to speak to him eventually.”

“I know,” Klaus admitted quietly. “I just wanted to put off facing him as long as I could. I’m a coward.”

“No, you’re not.”

“What do you call this then?”

“Trauma response.”

“Fucking everything is a trauma response,” Klaus muttered.

“Admittedly, yes. Most things are. In combination with emotional illiteracy.” 

“Fun.”

Noah tried not to smile. “Indeed. Klaus, can I ask what your specific fear in seeing Daniel again is?”

“I know he’s right to, but I don’t want to see how much he hates me.”

“Hates you?” Noah asked, surprised. “Where did you get that idea?”

“He tried to ask for help,” Klaus admitted quietly. “I know he did but I didn’t see it. It’s my fault.”

“Did he specifically come to you and tell you what was happening?”

“No, but⏤”

“Did you see him use?”

“No, but I should have recognized⏤”

“Did you intentionally ignore the warning signs?”

“No, well, kinda? I knew something was wrong but I just assumed that… well he was better than me. I assumed I was the only one who still felt like that. That I was the only weak one.”

“Klaus⏤”

“I know, I know. It’s not weak. But that’s what I thought. Felt. Whatever.”

“Klaus, this type of guilt is normal, but that doesn’t make it your fault. We all missed the signs. Do you blame Lillian for what happened to Daniel?”

“No.”

“Lauren?”

“No.”

“Then why do you blame you?”

“Daniel… trusted me. For some reason. Lauren said he even looked up to me." The tone of Klaus’s voice made it clear he thought that idea was insane. “I’m not used to that. I let him down.”

“Daniel does not feel let down, I assure you, Klaus.”

“How do you know?”

“I know.”

Klaus looked at him incredulously. 

“I promise you, Klaus. Leading up to Daniel’s overdose, you did not fail him any more than any of us failed him. We all may have missed signs, but that is what happens at times. No one is perfect. He intentionally hid his use from us. All we can do now is be there for him as he continues his fight. That is how we can be the people he needs in his life.”

Klaus considered those words.

“Think about talking to him at least?” Noah asked. “He misses you.”

Reluctantly, Klaus nodded. “Okay. I’ll… try.” He missed Daniel too. And, as he had recently learned, maybe that was okay⏤ to want to be with people. 

“Good,” Noah said. “That’s all I can ask. That’s all any of us can do, try.”

  
  


***

It was three days after his meeting with Noah that Klaus and Lauren next met. As they walked back to his apartment, coffee in hand, Klaus asked with some trepidation, “Have you heard from Daniel?” 

Lauren startled. They hadn’t talked about him in a long time. “Yeah. Occasionally.” 

“How is he?”

Lauren spoke cautiously. “He’s… better than he was. Still struggling.”

Klaus nodded. “Do you think he’s going to…?”

“Use again?”

Klaus nodded tightly. 

Lauren sighed. “I don’t know. He seems committed to staying sober but things happen. He’s still feeling really lonely right now. The breakup has been hard on him.”

Klaus jerked to look at her. “Breakup?”

Lauren started. “You didn’t hear?”

He shook his head, his eyes wide. “I haven’t heard anything in a long time.”

“Yeah,” Lauren said sadly. “He and JJ broke up like two months ago. It was just too hard on them. It was a hard situation to begin with and then Daniel pushed them away further because he felt guilty.” 

“I had no idea,” Klaus said quietly. 

“Yeah. It’s been a rough few months for Daniel.”

“Has⏤” Klaus stopped himself from asking something selfish. 

“What?”

Klaus grimaced. “Has he said anything about me?”

Lauren watched him for a long beat. “Yeah,” she said slowly. 

“Oh?” Klaus tried not to let his anxiety show. 

“Yeah. You really hurt him.” 

His heart dropped. “I did,” he agreed. 

“He thinks you’re disappointed in him. He thinks you hate him and he’s a failure.”

Klaus gaped. That wasn’t what he was expecting. “What?”

“You’re his hero, Klaus. His role-model. He went through a terrifying experience and a difficult recovery as his life fell apart _yet again._ He’s been abandoned over and over again throughout his life by people who were supposed to care for him. He’s never felt good enough for love. He had a break-up. And through it all, you ignored and avoided him. He’s terrified that he’s lost you because he disappointed you.”

Klaus could barely breathe. “But no! I’m the one who isn’t good enough.”

“That’s now how Daniel feels.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he nearly shrieked. 

Lauren looked guilty. “I didn’t want to criticize you. I was so wrapped up in being the perfect support system and friend and, uh, partner,” she blushed, “that I didn’t want to say anything against you. I’m sorry. I know it didn’t actually help.”

“Fuck.” Klaus pressed his hands against his eyes. “I’ve fucked up.”

“A little bit,” Lauren admitted. “But so did I.”

“Now what do I do?”

“Reach out to him.”

“How? After all this time… would that just make it worse?”

“No. I think he would still welcome you back, Klaus. You know he’s getting released next week?”

“Yeah.”

“Pick him up. You know where Healing Sage is.”

“Really? Isn’t someone else already⏤?”

“No. He broke up with JJ and he doesn’t have any family. I have to work or I would have already agreed to do it. I,” she hesitated. “I know that it really sucks not to have someone for that.”

Klaus suddenly remembered how Lauren had to ride a taxi out of Healing Sage. How she’d claimed it didn’t bother her that her parents hadn’t come. “Oh. Fuck. Lauren⏤”

“It’s fine,” she said quickly. “Just, I know how much it hurts, you know?”

“Yeah,” he said softly. 

“Like, you know they are disappointed in you and you’re just never going to be enough, but still, every time they tell you that, it still hurts. And it hurts _more_ somehow. Like pinching a bruise.” She sniffed harshly, trying to keep from crying. "I just really know how he feels. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be just fucking enough for my parents and I never was. When someone you just love and admire so much rejects you… It just crushes you.”

“I know,” Klaus whispered. “Fuck do I know. Shit, Lauren. I’m so sorry.”

“It's fine," she said. "I know you get it." Lauren gave him a weak watery smile.

"I do," Klaus agreed. "But I haven't supported you. I keep realizing more and more how much I let you take care of me without giving much back. I should have realized that you were going through that. I should have recognized it but I didn't. I was too wrapped up in my shit. Fuck."

"Klaus," Lauren said. "For one, you gave me lots back. You summoned my grandma for one. That was huge. And your worth doesn't come from what you can do for me. I'm friends with you because I like you. Besides, I thought we were past this. You kinda get a free pass for most of it considering you were dealing with a shit-ton of trauma. You don't need to be a support system when you're doing that."

"You did it for me."

Lauren paused at that. "And it wasn't healthy for me either."

Klaus swallowed. "Okay fair. No one should ever be anyone's entire support system. But maybe we can both be part of each other's? I thought that's what we agreed to. And part of that is, like, recognizing how we fucked up in the past. So I'm sorry that you went through that and I didn't do more to comfort you when it happened." 

Lauren smiled a small soft smile. "Thank you, Klaus. And I think that sounds good. Part of a system, not the whole thing. If I've learned anything from superhero movies, it's that no one does well when the whole world is on their shoulders alone."

Klaus laughed, loud and surprised. "If I learned anything from _being_ a superhero, it's that you really need to have a good stretching routine or your joints will hate you."

Lauren snorted and the tension between them relaxed. A silence, something closer to the old understanding familiarity that they had before the incident than they'd experienced in a long time, fell between them. They continued down the block together, Lauren purposefully bumping into Klaus's side with a teasing, affectionate laugh. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she rested her head against him. Their steps fell into synch and they moved as one. 

***

Just over two years after he left, Klaus found himself in front of Healing Sage again, looking up at the house where his life was so radically changed. He leaned against the truck he’d borrowed from Darryl and stuffed his hands in his pockets, bracing himself against the cold. His leg bounced as he waited and he began to question if just showing up was a terrible idea. 

Maybe he should have given Daniel the chance to reject him.

Before Klaus could lose his nerve and retreat, the door to the house opened and a familiar figure stepped onto the porch. 

His slightly overgrown black hair made his thin face look deathly pale and Klaus’s heart pitched in the memory of that hospital room. He had to force himself not to turn and run in panic. 

Daniel hadn’t noticed him yet, his attention still focused on saying goodbye to the other residents and what appeared to be Rain. When he finally turned towards the road, his suitcase in hand, Daniel froze. He stared at Klaus, his eyes wide.

Awkwardly, Klaus raised a hand. _Hello._

Rain said something Klaus couldn’t make out and Daniel seemed to shake himself out of his stupor and he slowly came down the stairs, moving as if he was stiff and aching. 

Worry spiked as Klaus watched him. He’d been assured that Daniel had recovered physically, but watching him it didn’t look like he was as well as everyone had assured Klaus he was. 

Daniel didn't say anything until he was almost directly in front of Klaus. For a moment, they both just stared at each other, taking in the sight that they had been missing for so many long months. Finally, Klaus managed to croak out, “Hey.”

Daniel raised an eyebrow. “Hey.”

“Do you, uh, want a ride?”

Daniel looked over the truck, seemed to want to say something, but then changed his mind. “Sure,” he said instead. “If you’re offering.”

“That’s what I drove here for,” Klaus answered. 

“Okay,” Daniel agreed quietly. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” Klaus took the suitcase from him. “Let’s go home.”

“I can manage,” he tried to protest.

“I’ve got it,” Klaus assured him. “You look… tired. Let me.”

Daniel deflated and allowed Klaus to load the bags into the truck for him as he climbed into the passenger seat. “Where is this from anyway?” he asked as Klaus came to join him in the cabin. “I don't remember you having a car. And you don’t seem like a truck person.”

“Darryl.”

“Ah.”

They fell silent again as Klaus began to drive them down the road. Before they turned the corner, he slowed. “Do you want to pause to wave?” Klaus asked. 

“No,” Daniel said quietly. “I’m fine. It isn’t the same as when we were there. Together I mean. The first time I was there.” Daniel blushed and looked out the window. 

“Oh,” was all Klaus could manage to say. It wasn’t hard to imagine that their group was somehow special, it certainly felt that way. In the next moment, he felt guilty for the little rush of satisfaction he felt at the idea that Daniel hadn’t replaced him. It was selfish of him, especially after he’d fucked up so badly. 

“Yeah,” Daniel agreed. He twisted his fingers around in his lap. 

They drove in silence for several minutes before Klaus managed to get up the nerve to speak. “Hey, Daniel?” he asked.

“Yeah?” Daniel stiffened next to him, his eyes fixed on the dash.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” he turned to look at Klaus, incredulous. 

“I wasn’t there for you. Before or after. I didn’t see that you needed help and then when I knew you did I hid because I felt bad. But I was making it about me when it was about you and that was selfish and I’m sorry.”

“What?” Daniel repeated, softer. “Why are you sorry when I was the one who fucked everything up?”

“You needed help.”

“I knew what I was doing.”

“I didn’t support you.”

“Yes, you did.”

“But you still⏤” Klaus cut himself off.

“I still overdosed,” Daniel finished, quietly.

“Yeah.” 

“I know. And it was my fault.”

“Dan⏤”

“No, Klaus. It was. I used. I… slipped. Fell off the wagon. Whatever. It was my fault.”

“Why did you use?” Klaus asked pointedly. 

“I don’t know,” Daniel sighed. “I was… overwhelmed. School. Work. Being a decent partner to JJ.” Regret flickered in his eyes at their name. “I just, I didn’t know how to do it all. I didn't know how to be someone that people cared about. I didn't know how to care for people. I felt like all of a sudden I was in this life that I didn’t know how to live. I felt like I was playing pretend at being a normal person. Like a little kid playing dress-up. I wasn’t meant for all of that so I just… went back to what I know.”

Daniel’s explanation was all too familiar to Klaus which only made it more painful to hear. 

“I didn’t want you to see. Or maybe I did. But I didn’t. I wanted you to love me,” Daniel admitted. “Not like, romantically or anything. But like, as _family_ ,” he admitted quietly, whispering the word with a reverence that broke Klaus’s heart. “I didn’t want you to see how fucked up I am.”

“I wouldn’t have thought that,” Klaus assured him, his voice thick. “You know where I came from.”

“Yeah, but you were adjusting so well and I thought that you would⏤”

Klaus cut him off with a wet laugh. “Adjusting well? Danny, honey, no.”

“What?”

“I’m a fucking mess, kid. Like, I’m working on it, but I am just as lost as you. Maybe more. I didn’t talk to you for so long because I thought that I had failed you. Because I don’t know how to deal with the world or people or life that’s not just parties and getting so high I don’t have to think. I thought you wouldn't want to see me because I almost ruined your life.”

“That’s ridiculous! You’re so much better than me, I⏤”

“You’re worth ten of me.”

“No. Stop staying that.”

“It’s true.”

“Impossible. I spent all this time thinking that you didn’t want to talk to me because I failed you. Because you’re so amazing.”

Klaus winced. “And I’m so sorry you thought that, Daniel. If anything should convince you that I’m not nearly as amazing as you seem to think, it should be that. If I didn’t fail you when you were using, I did when you were in the hospital.”

“You really thought I didn’t want to see you?” Daniel asked. “Didn’t anyone tell you I asked for you?”

His regret deepened. “Yeah. They told me but, like, I thought you would want to see me to tell me how much I fucked up. So I didn’t come. Because I was a coward.”

“Klaus⏤”

“Look. I… care about you. A lot. Like I love you. Like you’re my kid brother or something. And I thought I ruined it. I thought I was going to lose you. I was scared and I was mad at myself and I tried to run away because that’s all I know how to do. But if you give me another chance, I will be there. I promise.” 

“I’m sorry I scared you,” Daniel whispered. “And I love you too. And you don’t need another chance. I do. If you would give it to me, I promise I won’t let you down again.”

Klaus took his eyes off the road for a moment to glance at Daniel. His eyes were brimming with tears, the black smeared around them starting to run. Klaus reached across the truck to carefully unfurl Daniel’s hands from where his fingers dug harshly into his palms. He held it in his own hand as he answered, “Let me down? Impossible. I will always be proud of you. _Little brother._ ”

They stayed that way, hands entwined, the entire drive home.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: light discussion of past abuse and Klaus and Lauren talk a little bit about what happened in Chapter Four
> 
> ****
> 
> I hope the meeting with Daniel was everything you wanted. You deserve it <333
> 
> As always, I love you all and would love you even more if you would be so kind as to leave a comment!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Most adoringly yours,  
> [ Aye of Newt](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/)


	8. Unattainable Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite characters grow in ways they've more than earned, time moves on, heroes flourish and villains fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at end
> 
> Here it is, the last, extremely long chapter. (Fuckin' 12,500 words like... wow me. I was laughing a little last week at everyone being like "I can't believe there is only one more chapter!" Like yeah... but there is a *lot* left to cover) To be fair, part of the reason this chapter is so long is that I moved some things around last minute on chapter seven and took a bit of material out that I felt didn't fit to relocate it here. Doing that might have messed with the pacing a little bit on this chapter but oh well. I still think it makes emotional/thematic sense to have it all in one chapter so I decided not to split in half on you guys. Hopefully, the high word count makes up for the break that we are going to have before the third volume in the series is published. 
> 
> So, without further ado, for the last time in Anabasis (how weird), here we go. 
> 
> Enjoy.

“Klaus?” Lauren asked, her back to him. She was doing dishes, cleaning up after the meal that they’d shared together while Klaus boxed up the leftovers. Things had improved significantly with them over the past months, but her tone still set Klaus on edge. She sounded serious. 

“Yes?”

“What do you want to do with your life?”

That wasn’t where Klaus was expecting the line to go. He was thrown, but recovered quickly enough to say a very eloquent, “Huh?” 

“Do you have… I don’t know. Dreams? Goals? Hopes?” Lauren glanced over her shoulder, raising her eyebrows slightly in question.

Klaus shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know, or you don’t want to talk about it?” she asked lightly.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it I guess. I’m used to just… getting through to the next day. I’ve never been into long-term planning or anything like that.”

“Hmm.” Lauren finished the last dish, placing it carefully in the drying rack. She turned to look at him, leaning against the sink. 

“Side effect of, you know, my life,” Klaus continued. He squirmed a little under her gaze. “It’s honestly an achievement that I’m still alive. Never expected to do much more than that⏤ at best.” 

Her expression softened slightly around the eyes. Sympathy. Or maybe pity. “Your life is different now,” she reminded him. 

“I guess.”

“You should think about it, what you want.”

“I guess.”

“I think it would be good for you.”

The silence between them was stiff, the awkward air of two people who cared about each other but were not quite used to being so honest.

“You’re right,” Klaus finally admitted. “ I should work on that, but I don’t have an answer right now. What about you? What do you want to do with your life? Make partner at last?” He smiled, teasing. 

Lauren’s face fell by an increment. “I… don’t know.”

“What? Lauren, all you’ve ever talked about is getting that promotion. I thought it was just around the corner?” Klaus was beginning to get concerned. Lauren was acting off and if something had happened to her work it could be a trigger. 

“It is. I have it on good word that the offer is going to be coming in anytime.”

“That’s amazing!” Klaus cheered, though, at Lauren’s less than thrilled look, he amended, “Right?”

“I don’t know,” Lauren sighed. She pushed away from the sink, going into the living room. Klaus followed. 

“Lauren?” he asked, sitting down cautiously on the couch next to her.

“I don’t think I’m happy, Klaus,” she admitted quietly. 

“Oh.” He sat down next to her quickly, sobered. “Sorry, is⏤?”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Um. Okay. Can… what do I do?”

“Nothing you can do.”

“Lauren, really, I don’t think it would be bad or anything for me to support you⏤ to a reasonable level of course,” he clarified, referencing their therapy.

“I know. It’s not that. It’s just, I don’t know if you can help me with this. It’s like, I did all that work in rehab so I could have my old life back, right? But I’ve realized that I was never happy in my old life and that’s why I fucking ended up in rehab. And now I’m back there and⏤”

“Are you relapsing?” Klaus interrupted, sudden panic in his chest, along with a horrifying understanding of everyone who had ever tried to get him clean. 

“No.”

“Lauren⏤” His voice darkened.

“No, Klaus. I’m not going to use. I promise. I meant I was back at _work_. I just... I think I need a new job.”

“Oh.” Relief washed over him. “Good. That’s good. I think a new job sounds good. Uh, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” Lauren flopped back into the cushions. “I just don’t want to work for evil fucking corporate drones anymore. I don’t want to work to please people I don’t care about. I want to do something… good.” 

“Sounds like a start.” Klaus gave her a tentative smile. “Maybe we can figure out what we want to do next together?” He blushed. “Or some cheesy crap like that.”

Lauren looked at him softly, a smile curling around the edges of her mouth. “Sounds like a start.”

***

After his conversation with Lauren, Klaus contemplated her question. 

_What did he want?_

He hadn’t been lying when he said that he never expected to get as far in life as he had. Klaus had officially crossed into his upper twenties⏤ something that in a small part horrified him (he was getting _old,_ genuinely older than he’d ever planned on being) and in a larger part, it left him feeling lost. There had been few adults in Klaus’s life as a young person and almost none of them had been good role models. (Did Grace count? He wasn’t sure.) The point was, Klaus didn’t really have any first-person knowledge of what a normal, healthy grown-up actually did. Since leaving rehab, Klaus had been doing his best impression of an adult, based mostly on what he saw Lillian, his first healthy mentor, do. 

Clinging tightly to that shaky roadmap, Klaus had trudged his way through the world, holding on desperately to sobriety and focusing on planting one foot in front of the other, never quite trusting everything to not fall out from under him. The idea of looking forward, planning a future, _having_ a future, was still foreign. 

_But_ , he allowed himself to cautiously think, _maybe, if Lauren said he could actually have all of that, maybe he could trust her⏤ even if he didn’t trust himself._

***

Lillian wasn’t big on Christmas, but she invited Klaus to her Winter Solstice party, and, because he was trying to be better about maintaining relationships, Klaus accepted.

He avoided the mulled wine, which everyone was thankfully understanding of as there were several sober people in attendance, and happily engaged several pagans in debates on the nature of spirits and the afterlife. A few of them were rather heated by the end of it, but Klaus and Lillian shared side looks of amusement as Klaus insisted that his own nuanced understanding of the boundaries between life and death were correct. No one seemed to realize who exactly he was, making the conversations far more entertaining than they were intimidating. Somehow, it was funny for Klaus to tell people exactly what his powers showed him, if only because they absolutely did not believe him. 

He caught Ben's eye across the flickering fire and they shared a secretive smile. In attempts to better include him, Klaus experimented with his powers and helped Ben sneak mistletoe into increasingly unlikely places and snitch the good snacks from the table without anyone noticing. Ben didn’t even complain about being used for Klaus’s benefit, too excited to actually interact with the world to be upset.

They passed the long night in good-natured mischief and it almost made up for the aching place in their chests where so many people should have been.

***

On actual Christmas, Klaus invited Daniel over to his apartment. It was just the two of them as everyone else was busy or, in Lauren’s case, making one last strained attempt to see their family. 

The day passed in relative ease and quiet. Neither of them really had much for traditions or expectations for the holiday, both having lacked a proper functional family or childhood in which to build them. So they simply engaged in every stereotypical activity they could think of from making cookies to sledding on trash can lids in the park. They had returned to Klaus’s apartment for the night and were just settling down in their warm, dry pajamas, their cheeks still pink with cold and hot chocolate cooling on the coffee table when Daniel spoke. 

“How do you do it?” he asked, trailing his fingers across the fern that spilled over Klaus’s window sill. 

“Do what?”

“Stay sober.”

Klaus looked to him in a panic. “Are you⏤?”

“No!” Daniel said quickly. “No. I’m still sober. Promise.” He was looking at Klaus in desperation.

Klaus deflated. “I believe you,” he assured him. “Sorry, just scared me for a moment.”

“Yeah. Fair.” Daniel blushed. “I just meant… it’s hard. You know?”

Klaus hummed in agreement. 

“You seem like you’re doing so well,” Daniel continued, looking around the apartment wistfully. “I know you said you struggle too, but you still held on when I couldn’t. So that must mean that you’re doing better than I am somehow, that there is some secret that you know that I don’t. Some way to keep the wolf at bay. I just don’t get it. How do you do it, Klaus? How are you okay?”

“Honestly? I’m not.”

Daniel looked at him in alarm.

“Sorry! Not to worry you or anything. I’m not using. I just mean that it’s not easy for me like you think it is. It’s really hard. I almost fell off the wagon a hundred times since I got released. That wasn’t just something I said to make you feel better. It’s a constant reality. I didn’t just stop using because I didn’t feel like it anymore. Staying sober is a choice⏤ a really fucking hard choice⏤ that I make every single day.”

“But how did you stop?” Daniel asked, sounding lost and so achingly young. 

“People helped me. Ben actually had to physically stop me once. For a long time, I thought that it made me weak to need help. You know, despite being a team, Daddy-dear would always be so angry with us for relying on others. We were supposed to work together but still be totally self-sufficient. It didn’t make sense really, but _Reginald_ wasn’t exactly the most logical person I guess. 

“Anyway, the point is, I thought that help was something you were only supposed to accept or, fucking hell forbid, _ask_ for, if it was the absolute last option. That you were supposed to get to a point where you don’t need it anymore. But I was wrong. People and relationships are supposed to make your life better. Help is supposed to be a sign of trust and love. Relying on others is a good thing. That’s how you stay sober. That’s how you keep living when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and give the fuck up. And if you want,” Klaus hesitated, looking at his hands as he offered, “I could be that for you. Someone to help. But only if you want it.”

There was no response and for a terrible, impossibly long moment. Then, Klaus was nearly knocked off his feet by the force of Daniel’s hug as he buried his face in Klaus’s sweater. Stunned, Klaus did not initially move, but when he felt the first shake of Daniel’s shoulders, he was jolted into motion. 

Klaus wrapped his arms around Daniel and pressed his chin into his hair. He rubbed his back in comforting circles as he muttered that it was going to be okay. “I’ve got you,” he said. “I’ve got you, kiddo.”

Daniel sobbed harder and squeezed Klaus so hard it would have hurt if it didn’t fill his heart nearly to bursting. 

  
  


When Daniel had cried himself out, he pulled away from Klaus, wiping his eyes as he sniffed roughly. “God. I’m sorry. I just snotted all over you.”

Klaus laughed. “I’ve had a lot worse things than snot on me. This is not even in the top ten gross things that I’ve been covered in.”

“But it’s so embarrassing. Crying like that.” Daniel was still trying to half hide his face as he recovered. 

“Hey,” Klaus protested lightly. What kind of toxic masculinity bullshit is that? We cry in this house and we aren’t ashamed of it.”

Daniel laughed. “I’m sorry. You’re so right. How hetero of me.”

 _“That_ is what’s embarrassing.”

“Truer words were never spoken.”

They shared a smile, warm and only a little broken.

“Hey,” Daniel said, looking a little confused. “Before, did you say Ben stopped you from using?”

“Oh yeah,” Klaus sobered. “He did.”

“But, Ben’s the, uh, dead one, right?”

Ben, who had been watching them mostly silently though with a solidly approving expression until that point, gave a small laugh at his hesitation.

“Yeah, he’s the dead one,” Klaus answered. “But, powers.” He wiggled his fingers dramatically. 

“Right,” Daniel agreed. “I just didn’t realize he could touch you.”

“Oh! Right!” Klaus had forgotten that he didn’t tell people things. “That’s kinda a new thing. I’ve only managed to do it a couple of times.”

“Woah. So you’re only getting cooler then?”

Klaus blushed. “Don’t know if I’d say that. But sure.”

“Could I, uh, talk to him?” Daniel asked. 

Ben sat up straighter.

“Oh. Um. Sure.” Klaus shrugged. “He can hear you no problem. I can tell you what he says.”

Daniel shook his head. “No, I mean, can I see him? Can you do that?”

Klaus glanced at Ben, who looked so hopeful Klaus couldn’t do anything but agree. “I can try,” Klaus told both of them. “No promises though.”

“Of course,” Daniel said.

“Of course,” Ben echoed, his yearning clear. 

“I need to center myself,” Klaus said. “It’s going to look weird, but it’s the only way I know how to do it.”

Daniel nodded eagerly. “Do I need to do anything? Candles? Incense?” 

“It’s not really that complicated,” Klaus laughed. “Séances aren’t that hard. I just need to meditate basically. If you just sit quietly so I can focus?”

“Got it!” Daniel settled down on the couch and made a scene of pretending to lock his lips. 

Klaus’s lips twitched affectionately as he settled on the floor, his feet pressing into the rug and his palms down at his sides. “Okay,” he whispered. “Come on, Benny. Let’s do it.” He closed his eyes and began to breathe.

In.

And out.

In.

And out.

As he focused, Klaus began to feel the power in him concentrate and grow. He focused on Ben’s form, imagining it condensing until it was solid and real. With the weight of guilt lifted somewhat from him by Daniel’s offer of absolution, the tension faded faster than it had in a long time. A tingling sensation began to run down his arms and Klaus latched onto it. 

In.

And out.

In. 

And out.

The shift was so small Klaus almost missed it. Maybe he would have if it wasn’t for Daniel’s soft gasp. 

His eyes flew open and there was Ben sitting across from him, glowing with a faint, unfamiliar, blue light. 

“Holy shit,” Daniel whispered. 

“Do you see him?” Klaus asked, turning towards him with wide eyes. 

Daniel nodded slowly, his own expression that of shock and wonder. 

“You see me?” Ben repeated, his voice trembling. 

“Yeah,” Daniel said. “Hi.”

“Hi.” If he could have, Ben would have cried. He hadn’t been seen by anyone other than Klaus is so long, he barely remembered what it felt like to be looked at. 

Slowly, Daniel slipped off the couch to crouch on the floor next to them. He reached out a shaking hand and touched it against Ben’s shoulder. His fingers made contact and the rush of emotion that shot down the tether that connected him to Ben was so overpowering Klaus swayed under the force of it. Ben’s form flickered and he tried desperately to hold onto it, but it slipped through his grasp as the pure amount of _feeling_ was too much for his body to handle. 

Daniel’s hand fell through empty air as Ben vanished. 

“Fuck!” Klaus gasped. “Sorry! Sorry, Benny. Hold on, I’ll try again.” He tried to close his eyes and steady his breath again. His body was trembling and his head felt too heavy even as his thoughts swirled. 

“Are you okay?” Daniel asked, watching with worry as Klaus listed to the side.

He ignored him. 

“Klaus,” Ben said gently.

“I’m bringing you back,” he insisted. “Hold on.”

“Klaus,” Ben said again. “Look at me.”

Reluctantly, Klaus complied. 

“You’re exhausted. If you try to do it again, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

“But I⏤”

“If I’m understanding what you’ve told me about how your powers work correctly, my emotions were too much for you to process. It’s just as much my fault, so don’t feel bad, okay? You did it. That’s what’s important. We’ll keep working on it.” 

Klaus opened his mouth to protest but Ben stopped him. “No arguments. You’re supposed to be setting an example for Daniel, remember?”

Klaus glanced at Daniel who watched him with fascination and worry. “Right,” he muttered. “Fine.”

“Good boy,” Ben teased.

Klaus made a face at him. 

“Uh,” Daniel asked. “You good?”

“Yeah. Sorry. That probably looked weird. Holding that connection is still hard. Ben’s here, I just can’t give him a form any more today. We’ll keep trying.”

“It sounds hard,” Daniel agreed. “That was… really impressive though. Like. Holy shit. I saw a ghost. I touched a ghost. Like. _Holy shit._ ”

“It’s nice someone appreciates me,” Ben laughed. 

“You’re going to give him a big head,” Klaus warned Daniel. “Did you want to ask him something? I can still be your ghost whisper.” He winked suggestively. 

“Hmm.” Daniel considered the question. He turned to where he had seen Ben a few minutes before. “Tell me something really embarrassing Klaus did as a kid.”

“How much time do you have?” Ben asked. 

“He says I’m perfect and have never done anything wrong in my life,” Klaus translated. 

Daniel snorted. “ _Sure._ I should have known better than to ask that when you can doctor the answers. I’ll just wait until I see Ben myself to ask that.”

“Hey!” Klaus grasped his chest in fake shock as he gave Daniel an exaggerated look of offense. “I would never lie about what Ben says!”

“That’s a good one,” Ben deadpanned. 

“Mmhmm,” Daniel said. “I’m sure.”

“Oh god,” Klaus groaned. “You’re teaming up on me. You can’t even talk without me here and you’re still teaming up against me. That’s it. You’re cut off. No more séances.” 

“Aww,” Ben teased. “You know you love me too much for that.”

Klaus stuck his tongue out at him because he didn’t actually have an argument against that. 

“I have a feeling I’m going to like Ben,” Daniel said.

“I already like him,” Ben agreed. 

“God, I’m fucking outnumbered,” Klaus muttered, covering his face so they couldn’t see his smile.

The three talked long into the night, laughing and teasing each other, comforted by the presence of their brothers. 

***

As he, somewhat reluctantly, slid into his position of role model to Daniel and began sorting his life out yet again, Klaus kept Lauren’s question in the back of his mind. He’d finally accepted the fact that he had what appeared to be a life and future ahead of him and was struggling to think of how exactly he was going to fill it. 

“If you were alive,” Klaus asked, wrapped tightly in a sweater as he watched the slushy, half-frozen rain trickle down the window pane. “What would you want to do?”

“Hug everyone,” Ben said immediately. 

“Everyone?” Klaus asked, teasingly. “Such a hug slut, Benjamin.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Everyone in our family. Minus Dad. And Pogo.”

Some of Klaus’s amusement faded. “I’m sorry. I can keep trying.” 

Ben’s ability to be in contact with Klaus fluctuated. The night of Klaus’s breakdown was definitely the longest he went in a corporeal form, but Klaus had been able to recreate the effect in a limited capacity since then as well. Ben was able to touch small objects from time to time, but that was more challenging. With Daniel’s assistance, he’d improved somewhat, but it was still far too overwhelming for Ben to connect with another person for any real length of time and even then it was very draining on Klaus.

Ben’s connection to the living world ran through Klaus, so by default, it was easiest for him to touch Klaus and by extension, the further anything was from Klaus physically, the harder it was for Ben to touch it. So far, he had not been able to retain any form of solidity when more than two feet from Klaus. 

“I didn’t mean it to be an accusation,” Ben said gently. “You’re trying. And you’re doing really good.”

“Thanks.” Klaus didn’t look convinced. “After you hugged everyone though, what would you do with your life?”

Ben hummed thoughtfully. “I don’t know. I never really considered it. Before I died I didn’t have a reason to. After… it hurt to think about it because I could never have it.”

Klaus understood that. To an extent. It had never seemed possible to him that he would have a future, yet here they were. 

“Why are you asking me, though?” Ben turned the question back to Klaus.

“Because I don’t know what I want. Thought I’d see if you had any ideas.”

“I can’t tell you what to do with your life, Klaus.”

“Really? Seems like you’re bossy enough. Figured you would have a suggestion.”

Ben snorted in fake annoyance and turned his head so Klaus wouldn’t see him smile. 

***

Time slipped past too quickly in the jumble of the holidays and by the next time Klaus and Lauren really got to see each other it was already mid-January. 

“We didn’t really get a chance to talk about it and I’ve been meaning to ask⏤ how did Christmas go?” Klaus prodded tentatively. 

“Ugh,” she groaned, like it physically pained her. 

“That good?”

“I don’t know why I went.”

“The near-pathological need to win the approval of a parental figure who will never love you?”

Klaus and Lauren were both too surprised by that statement to say anything for an uncomfortably long time. 

“Fuck,” Klaus said finally. “I’m sorry. That was, uh, too much.”

To his surprise, Lauren burst into laughter. “You’re right!” she shrieked, dissolving into the couch. “Oh, god. You’re so right!”

He stared at her for a moment before joining her, laughing until his stomach hurt and his cheeks were stained at the ridiculous nature of their parental experiences. Sometimes, when the mood was right, the pure insanity of what he had been through managed to be funny instead of horrifying. It made a nice change at least. 

“You know,” Lauren said when she finally began to calm down enough to speak again. “I think I’m done with them.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ve spent so long trying to live for other people. Live for them especially. God, I nearly destroyed myself trying to be good enough and it’s got me nowhere. If anything, it’s made things worse because now I’m a drug addict _and_ a disappointment.”

“Lauren⏤”

“It’s okay. Really, Klaus. I can’t lie and say it never hurt. It sucked so fucking bad for so long. It still sucks. But it doesn’t suck as much any more. Or like, I don’t care as much anymore. Because I’ve realized that I am never going to win. I will never ever be good enough no matter what I do. So I’m giving up.”

Klaus was not yet seeing how that was good and was getting rather concerned. 

“You see, Klaus,” Lauren said, turning to him with a smile. “That means I’m finally fucking _free._ When I was leaving their house on Christmas, feeling like shit and trying not to cry, a thought came to me. If the game is impossible, why am I still playing? Why am I killing myself to earn the approval of people I honestly don’t even fucking like? Why am I making myself so damn miserable just on the chance that they will tell me they’re proud of me? 

“And then I realized that I hate the person my parents want me to be. Even if it was possible to be her, I would be so miserable. Because there is no way that their approval could feel good enough to outweigh the shit I feel when I think about being the corporate scum, heartless bastard they always wanted. So I asked myself, why are you still trying? Why not… just be happy and fucking forget them?” She was smiling as she spoke and she looked so much lighter than Klaus had ever seen her before. 

“That’s amazing,” he whispered. “Lauren, I’m so happy for you.”

“Thank you.” She squeezed his hand briefly. “I did do something else that night,” she admitted slowly, curling her mug closer to herself. 

“Oh?”

“Remember how I said I wanted to get a new job?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I maybe found one?”

“That’s amazing!” Klaus cheered. “Why didn’t you say anything⏤?”

“It’s in California.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” 

“What’s, um, what’s the job?” Klaus asked, trying desperately not to meltdown and seem supportive even as his old fear of being left behind rose to wrap its ugly hand around his throat. 

The entire story spilled out of her in a rapid, almost jumbled explanation that left Klaus somewhat side-swiped and unable to get a word in edgewise. How she’d been looking just out of curiosity and idle fantasy. How she had seen the ad and applied on a whim. How they had offered an interview. Then another. Then another. Then the job. How they had given her a week to decide. How she only had a few days left to make that decision. When she finished, Lauren finally looked to him, bracing herself as she asked, “What do you think?”

“I...” Klaus didn’t know what to say. 

She deflated. “I shouldn’t go.”

“No! I mean to be honest, and selfish, I don’t want you to, but it’s a big deal.”

“But it’s so far.” She hesitated. “I don’t know anyone in San Francisco.”

“It’s a position with _Human Rights Watch._ ”

“I know.”

“Just a few weeks ago you said you were unhappy here and needed to make a change. What happened to using your lawyer powers for good? Giving up the soulless drone of defending rich assholes for work that has meaning?” 

“I know what I said but now… Fuck. It’s real and it’s so scary, Klaus. It happened so fast, I barely even had time to think about it. Like, the possibility never even seemed real, even when they kept calling me back and now I’m caught off guard when I shouldn’t be.”  
Klaus hadn’t had time to get used to the idea either, but he knew how wrong it would be to tell her so. He smiled tenderly instead. “The Lauren that I know, the badass who literally hauled my ass out of the deep end, is not scared of anything. Especially not her own success.”

“But I am.”

Klaus paused and considered that, responding carefully, “So like, I know this is completely hypocritical of me, but you can’t stop yourself from being happy because it’s safer to be unsatisfied in a place you know.”

Lauren startled in surprise, looking at Klaus with wide eyes before her expression softened with affection. “When did you start talking like Lillian?”  
He laughed. “After about six months of working at her studio.” He thought, then added, “And like, a lot of therapy.”

With some coaxing, Klaus slowly got Lauren to open up further about the offer she got, realizing more fully with every word that she spoke that the decision was already made. She was going and Klaus would have to be happy for her. He was caught between conflicting emotions about that and could only hope it was his pride in her accomplishment that shone through rather than his terror at being left behind.

***

As was often the case when he needed comfort, Klaus found himself seeking solace in a doughnut and a chat with a surprisingly philosophical waitress. 

“Do you have a dream?” Klaus asked.

Agnes paused. “That’s a funny question,” she remarked, scattering her birdseed gently. 

“Sorry.”

“I didn’t say I was upset,” she assured him gently. “I suppose I do. I’d like to travel some. See birds that don’t visit the city. Eat doughnuts that I didn’t make.” She laughed lightly. “But I never seemed to get around to it.”

“You should,” Klaus said. “You deserve it.”

Anges looked at him in mild surprise. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, Klaus, dear. But what exactly brought this on?”

“I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about the future, I guess.”

“I see.”

“I just think if you want something, you should do it.”

“Hmm,” Agnes considered that. “You know, I agree.”

“Yeah?” Klaus asked, somewhat surprised. He was unused to giving advice, much less advice that was taken.

“Yeah. Only thing is, I’ve got no one to do it with.” 

For an absurd moment, Klaus considered volunteering. But that would be wrong. As much as he liked Agnes, her dreams weren’t his and Klaus was supposed to be finding his own purpose or some shit like that. “You deserve that too,” he said instead.

Agnes laughed lightly. “Thank you, dear. What about you?”

“Huh?”

“Do you have a dream?”

It was only fair for her to ask him back but Klaus still hesitated at the question. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” he said finally. 

“Well,” Agnes said. “You have time. You’re still young. Just promise me one thing, yeah?”

“Okay?”

“When you do figure it out, go for it. Don’t wait until you’re too old like me.”

“I promise,” Klaus said. “But I don’t think you’re too old.”

She smiled tenderly at that. “Thank you, Klaus dear. You’re very sweet.” 

In the next breath, Agnes pointed out an eastern bluebird and the conversation about dreams was forgotten about. 

***

“I’m going back to school,” Daniel told Klaus as he finished drying the last plate, the two having just finished cleaning up after dinner. They’d been making a point of getting together more often and Klaus was doing his best to teach Daniel the sparse cooking skills he’d picked up from Lillian. That night, they’d managed to make a curry that wasn’t half bad.

“Yeah?” Klaus asked, smiling wide. “That’s great.”

“Yeah,” Daniel said softly, looking unsure. 

Klaus tried to backtrack. “Or is it?” 

“It is. Great. I think.”

“You think?"

“I’m just afraid it’s going to be too much,” Daniel admitted. “Last time I got too overwhelmed. It’s not that I’m not smart enough, I know I am, it’s just… a lot. Emotionally.”

“Well,” Klaus said carefully. “Last time you didn’t have me. Or, you didn’t have in the way you should have. But now you do. And now you know to ask for help right?”

Daniel gave him a tiny, vulnerable smile. “Yeah. I do.”

“You helped me with school first,” Klaus said. “I won’t pretend I can understand half of what you’re studying, but I know how to hold flashcards. And if all else fails, I can listen while you vent. I'm here for you, whatever you need. Remember that, okay?”

To his horror, Daniel’s eyes began watering.

“I’m sorry!” Klaus said quickly, not sure what he was apologizing for but sure it was his fault. “If you don’t want to go back to school or if you don’t want me to help you or something you don’t have to! I don’t have to. I just⏤ I’m sorry. What did I do wrong? I’m still new to this whole being there for someone thing. I’m not good at it yet.”

Daniel shook his head, a few tears escaping down his cheeks. “Klaus. You’re doing fine. Good even. I’m just… really happy? Or, I mean, I’m happy that you’re here and it’s overwhelming that people care about me? And I’m also sad that I didn’t have this kind of thing before and I’m mad at myself for not reaching out to you before because I could have had this but I didn’t know that I could and I was too scared to ask for help. Sorry. That probably doesn’t make any sense.”

“No,” Klaus choked out. “That makes perfect sense.” He’d felt the exact same thing a hundred times before after all. “Come here,” he pulled Daniel in for a rough tight hug, resting his chin on his shoulder as he wrapped his long frame around Daniel’s shorter one. “Don’t ever feel bad about yourself for that. Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. What’s important is you know it now and I’m here now and you’re never going to be alone again. Okay? So no negative self talk.” His voice sounded like sandpaper as he prayed that Daniel believed him. 

Behind Daniel, Klaus could see Ben watching them. “You get it now?” he asked, wryly, his own voice thick.

Klaus frowned in confusion. 

“How I felt, talking to you. Trying to convince you that I cared.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Ben must have found the answer on his face because he smiled in that soft broken way Klaus had seen too many times. “Don’t apologize,” he said, coming closer. “You just remember that too, okay? As much as you love Daniel and support him is how much I love you.”

Klaus nodded, unable to speak as his throat constricted again. 

“Can I hug you?” Ben asked, holding out his arms hesitantly. 

“Can Ben join us?” Klaus whispered to Daniel who still clung to him. "He wants a hug too."

Daniel didn’t appear to be able to speak, but Klaus felt him nod against his shoulder. 

With no effort at all, Klaus let the last sliver of barrier between worlds fall away and Ben enveloped them both in his cool but so wonderfully solid embrace. The three brothers stood there in the kitchen for a long time, pressed as tightly together as they possibly could be. 

***

“You've made a lot of progress of late, Klaus. I'm very happy with how far you've come."

"Thanks."

"Of course. Now, that does mean we need to set some new goals."

"Of course," Klaus said flatly, unenthused. The work just never ended, did it?

Noah smiled sympathetically. "Come on now, it's not that bad. Tell me, what do you want out of therapy, Klaus? Or better yet, what do you want out of life?” He peered over his glasses while his client fidgeted on the couch. 

There was that question again, asked of Klaus more times in the past few months than in the twenty-odd years before. They were currently supposed to be talking about how Klaus was going to start moving on from his past to embrace his future or something. Klaus wasn’t a fan. It was more difficult than he wanted it to be.

“I want…” he answered carefully. 

“Yes?” Noah prodded gently.

“I want to… not be the type of person Diego thinks I am.” He hadn’t mentioned Diego since he showed up to Noah’s office unannounced all those months ago and almost instantly regretted it because he had a feeling Noah would try to convince him to call his brother again.

Instead, Noah focused on the self-esteem aspect of the statement. “Klaus, I don’t think that you are.”

He snorted lightly. “Sure.”

“Klaus,” Noah warned. 

“I know. I know. No bad self talk. I just mean… I still feel the urge to use. When I feel lonely. Or frustrated. Or sad. I know if I used it would all go away for a little bit. Or at least I’d find someone to keep my mind off of things. Even if it all feels worse after, it feels so much fucking better for those few hours when you’re flying. I⏤ there are days I barely hold on. I feel like it’s too hard for me sometimes. Like I should just be over it already but… I’m not.

“And I know it’s normal. For an addict. And I know that I tell Daniel that those feelings are normal and I don’t judge him at all when he struggles. But I just can’t tell myself the same thing. I can recognize that I’m being unfair to myself. Finally. And on good days I can convince myself that I, uh, deserve the same compassion I give to other people. But on bad days… it’s just hard. To undo twenty-some years of being told otherwise.” Klaus forced himself to flex his hands instead of burying them in his palms. He picked up one of the fidget toys Noah kept in his office, twisting it over and over mindlessly. 

Noah nodded slowly. “You’re right, Klaus. Everyone who has struggled with addiction feels that way. I promise. But if you need the message reinforced I’m happy to do that. So I’ll tell you again. You are doing incredibly well. Every day that you don’t use is an achievement. You continue to get better every single time that I see you and I am proud of what you have accomplished.”

“Thank you,” Klaus said quietly. “It’s just… I’ve been trying to figure out what I want? Like you said.”

“That’s great!” Noah encouraged.

“Yeah. But I’m having a hard time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t really know how to live a normal life other than imitate the few people I know who seem like they have it together. My job is going okay at least, but I still feel different and weird and broken. Like I won’t ever fit in with the stable happy people who have a family that talks to each other or someone who can go more than six months without a breakdown. I mean, I don’t know much, but I do know that normal people don’t celebrate every day they don’t do heroin.”

“Klaus,” Noah admonished, “I’m surprised at you.”

Klaus looked at him in confusion.

“Since when have you been worried about what us borning, normal people do?” Noah joked. 

Klaus managed to give him a small smile.

“To be genuine, however,” Noah continued, sobering slightly, “I know you’ve longed for a stable family life, Klaus. And I apologize that I can not promise that you will ever be able to have one with your father and siblings. Though,” he prompted again, “it does appear that Diego would like to make an attempt at forming a relationship.”

 _And there it is,_ Klaus thought with some amusement and a twinge of annoyance. 

Noah continued, “However, what I think that you have yet to realize is that there is no one perfect way to be a healthy and happy person. 

“Sure, your life doesn’t look like the _Brady Bunch_ , but I promise you, Klaus, _no one’s_ does. You have an idea in your head of what your life is _supposed_ to be, how you’re _supposed_ to feel and act. You’re holding yourself to an impossible standard that doesn’t exist and as long as you do so, you will never be able to move on from your past and forge a life for yourself. 

“You get to decide what makes a good life, Klaus. And I promise you, whatever you think about yourself, regardless of the choices you have made in the past, you deserve to have one. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a bright future, Klaus. You have the ability to have one. All you have to do is reach out and take it.”

Klaus took a moment to contemplate what Noah said.

_...what your life is supposed to be…_

_...holding yourself to an impossible standard that doesn’t exist…_

He thought of himself, fourteen, his makeup running from tears, Reginald’s hand in his curls as he told Klaus that his existence was wrong, and the promise that he’d made to himself that night⏤ that he would get free and live exactly how he wanted to. 

Klaus had spent his entire life thinking of himself in opposition to his father. Everything he did, especially after he became a teenager, was done to spite and defy Reginald. Klaus prided himself in his independence and sense of self, his conviction in being unwilling to bend to the demands of others. But, he realized as Noah spoke to him, there was a part of him, a frighteningly large part, that still cowered under the shadow of the Academy. He still thought of himself the way that Reginald taught him to.

As weak.

Worthless. 

Nothing. 

Klaus had struggled with letting go of his past, trapped in an echo chamber of self-hatred. He felt, consciously or not, that he didn’t deserve to be granted absolution. But, as he sat in reflection of Noah’s words, Klaus reasoned that perhaps, if he acted not in favor of himself, but in one last stand against Reginald, he may be able to step out from under the oppressive weight of his sins. 

Klaus could almost anything if it was a fuck you to Reginald. 

“Okay,” he said roughly. 

“Okay?” Noah asked, a small degree of surprise coloring his voice.

“Okay,” Klaus repeated. “I… can try.”

Noah smiled. “Okay.”

***

In a way that was very exciting for her and maddening for Klaus, things with Lauren’s new work moved fairly quickly. By mid-March, she had found an apartment in San Francisco and signed the paperwork at Human Rights Watch. She would be leaving the first week of April. 

One afternoon while Klaus was helping her pack up her apartment and trying not to fall apart, Lauren remarked in an attempted offhand but obviously practiced tone, “You know, Klaus. You could come.”

“What?” Klaus looked up from the box he was stuffing with books. 

“You could come. To California. It could be a new start.” She very pointedly did not look at him while she waited for a response. 

There was a long silence. For a moment, Klaus considered it. It would be a totally different place, somewhere that no one knew what kind of person he once was. Yet, his whole life was in his city. And Klaus actually had a life. There were people, few as they may be, who would notice if he left. There were people and things that _he_ would miss if he left. He had a job he actually kinda liked and a _home._ He wasn’t sure what his dream was yet, but with the world limited to two choices at that moment, Klaus knew what the right one was. 

“I can’t,” was all he managed to say to Lauren. 

Her disappointment was only there for a flicker before it was gone. “I figured you would say something like that,” she admitted. 

There was no more mention of Klaus coming with her.

When they said their goodbyes that night, their hug lasted just a touch longer than it usually did, each unwilling to let go of the other, wishing irrationally for just a moment that the night would never end and they could lay down their packs and abandon their difficult journey, laying together forever under the stars. 

***

“Lauren’s leaving soon,” Klaus said quietly, laying down the small sweater he was knitting, the soft purple yarn tangled in his fingers. 

“I know,” Ben responded, just as gently.

“I know I shouldn’t stop her, but I wish she wasn’t going.”

“I think that’s normal,” Ben said consideringly. “I mean, my childhood was as fucked as yours, obviously, was so I don’t know much about being _normal_ , but I think it’s okay to miss people. But it’s not like she’s leaving your life forever. I know when Allison left for California, she didn’t look back. But it’s not like that now. Nothing is like it was now. I think if she’s shown nothing else over the last year, Lauren has proved that she’s not letting you go, even if she needs to go. You know what I mean?”

Klaus nodded slowly. “I think I do. I’m just used to people not coming back. Other than you, no one really has. But I’m trying not to be selfish.”

“You’re not selfish,” Ben cut in quickly.

Klaus gave him a smile that didn’t look quite convinced. “Thanks. I just mean that I think Lauren needs to do this, just for her without thinking about me, even if I'd like her to stay. She deserves that.”

“She does,” Ben agreed. 

“And I think it will be good for her, to put herself first.”

“I think so too.”

“And I think that, now that she’s leaving, it will be time for me to learn how to do that too. Care about myself, I mean.”

If Ben still had a heart, it would have stopped beating. He paused for too long and Klaus looked at him, concerned. “Yeah,” Ben finally managed to say, his voice far too strangled to sound normal. “I think it’s time for that too.”

Klaus gave him a small, tentative smile. “Yeah,” he said, more firmly. “It’s time.”

Ben smiled so hard it very nearly hurt. 

***

Klaus accompanied Lauren to the airport and walked with her as far as security would permit. Throughout the ride and journey there they were mostly quiet, passingly only necessary remarks to each other, each wrapped in their own heads even as their last hours, then minutes together slipped through their grasp.

Just before crossing the threshold of where Klaus could go without a ticket, they stepped off to the side to say their final goodbye, each hesitant to start. 

“I guess this is it,” Lauren finally started, her voice almost too soft to hear over the bustle of the travelers around them. 

“Yeah,” Klaus croaked. “I guess.”

“Klaus⏤”

“Lauren⏤”

They tried to speak at the same time, cutting each other off. After a quick battle over who could go, communicated mostly in gestures, Klaus finally acquiesced. 

“Lauren,” he said, his voice cracking slightly. He blushed, unable to look at her as he admitted, “I’m going to miss you. A lot. Like, I still totally want you to go, because it’s going to be amazing. But I hope that you do know, uh.” His throat felt like it was closing up as he tried to speak. “I, uh, I hope you know, I really, uh, love you. Not, not like, romantically, and I’m sorry for that, really I am.”

 _"Klaus,”_ Lauren said.

He pressed on, “But you were still really special to me. You were, like, my first friend. I know that sounds… weird considering how old I was when we met. But it’s, uh, true. And I am so thankful for everything that you did for me. You really, like, saved me? Or something dumb and cheesy like that. After Daniel. And uh, before that too. Even if things were… messy. And I’m sorry for not realizing that you needed help too. I mean earlier. 

“I… you… you’re a really good friend. And a good person. And I know you’re going to do amazing. I definitely plan on keeping in touch but I also know that this is probably uh, goodbye in some ways. We don’t know when we will see each other again or if our lives will ever be quite as entwined as they used to be. And that’s okay! Because we are still going to be friends, even if it’s from other sides of the country. 

“And besides, you’re going on to your future and it’s amazing! And you’re doing it alone and it’s what you want and you’re doing it without looking for anyone’s approval and I’m like so fucking proud of you! Not that you need me to like approve or anything. Because you can decide for you what you want to do and what is best for you. But I’m also proud to be your friend, you know? And I know that this isn’t making a lot of sense but, I just, uh, couldn’t let you go without telling you. So. Yeah. Thank you. For being my friend.”

“Klaus,” Lauren whispered, her voice thick. “I love you too. I… you said that I saved you, but you did the same for me at least a hundred times over. And for that, I have to say thank _you_.”

“I⏤”

Lauren didn’t let Klaus interrupt. “I would never in a million fucking years done this if I hadn’t met you. You taught me so much about being brave and being myself and how to fucking fight with everything that I have because I’m _worth_ it. You changed my whole life.”

Klaus didn’t even know how to process that. 

Lauren continued, blinking back tears, “I don’t know when we are going to see each other next, and I know that promises of letters and phone calls only go so far, though I do intend to bother you _constantly.”_

They shared a watery smile at that. 

“But, you will always be so indescribably important to me. Right now, our lives are going in different directions. Both of them are good! But they’re different.” Lauren admitted, her voice heavy and sad as she spoke. “I really hope that, eventually, we end up in the same place again and we’re both ready for that when we do. Talking with Noah, I’ve come to realize that so much of our relationship was built on the terrible things that have happened to us in the past. We bonded over the hurt that we experienced and we let that hurt guide us through our friendship together. And that’s okay, because it was part of the healing process, but I’ve come to think that it might be time to let go of those things, somewhat. Those old hurts and pains. Certainly those old coping mechanisms. 

“That’s why, as much as I am going to miss you, I am glad you told me you weren’t going to come with me. That was the right choice, I was just too scared to make it alone. I need to go out there and grow and be myself and live for _just_ myself. And you need to do that too. And when we’ve somehow figured out how to do that and we’re both in a better place, we can meet again and tell each other our adventures.” 

She smiled wide and wet with tears and full of love. “I am being so genuinely sincere when I tell you that I am thankful to you, Klaus. For making me feel less alone in rehab. For helping me say goodbye to my grandmother. For your kindness and support and love. Those things are the best part of our friendship. And those things are why I know that this is not a goodbye forever.” 

“I’m really going to miss you,” Klaus told her, nearly tackling her with the force of his hug. 

Her arms came up behind him and held him so tight it nearly hurt. “Klaus, you’re going to do so many wonderful things. I know that one of these days, you’re going to just absolutely _fly_. And I have every intention of being here to see that.” She sniffed harshly, her voice garbled with tears. “So don’t you cry like this is the end.” 

Klaus couldn’t say anything. He just held Lauren close, resting his chin on her head while she clung tightly to his chest. All too soon they parted, each wiping at their eyes. 

“Fucking hell. I need to get going, “ Lauren said, her voice and make up a wreck. “I have a plane to catch.”

“Of course,” Klaus rasped. “You can’t be late for your new life.” 

“Right,” she agreed, still choking back tears. “I…” She stopped herself. “I’m going to miss you,” she said one last time.

“Me too.”

“I’ll call you.”

“I’ll send you a hundred postcards.”

Lauren whispered, “I have to go.” 

“I’ll be waving as you do.”

They moved as one to give one last desperate embrace, squeezing each other tightly. Finally, Lauren broke away. She took a step back and gave Klaus a once over before nodding tightly. “Au revoir” she whispered. 

“Until we meet again.”

Lauren forced herself to turn and walk away, blinking past blurry eyes. 

Klaus stood, his arms limp at his side as he watched her weave her way through the crowd. At the top of the escalator, she turned, giving one last wave. 

Klaus raised his hand. _Goodbye._

Lauren stepped off the escalator and disappeared from his view. 

***

Without his best friend a short train ride away, Klaus had to fight to find things to occupy his time, though as the weeks then months slipped past, he found himself in a routine and far often far too busy to spend much time feeling lonely.

He took his bike on increasingly long rides through the city, traveling into neighborhoods he’d never seen before and formulating a small list of all the best bakeries and coffee shops and their relative location to his favorite cemeteries. He knew which famously haunted houses were fake and which were real and of those which ones actually had malicious spirits versus depressed souls with no one to talk to. 

He formed several acquaintances within the palm reading/tarot card reading/witchcraft-supply retailing community who, even if they were somewhat less attuned to the spirit realm than Klaus, understood his general vibe and didn’t mind some of the more off-color jokes he made about death. 

To his equal amusement and embarrassment, Klaus denied multiple attempts that his new friends, the Wiccans who liked to gather in the park nearest his apartment (who when they weren’t charging crystals made excellent candidates to taste-test the newest baking project Klaus had undertaken) made to set him up on a blind date with a mortician. To his great amusement, somehow, all of them were with different people. Klaus just wasn’t ready to date, even with the work he was doing to Noah on his past relationship trauma. Eventually, they accepted that he really was ‘taking time to work on himself’. The constant offers to set him up ended after that, although more than one of them let him know he had a standing invitation to hook up any time he wanted. 

Noah was particularly proud of Klaus for his polite but firm denials to all of them.

Daniel remained his buddy in sobriety through it all and the two of them spent Saturdays thrifting and watching movies in their pajamas and finding all the joy they could possibly experience. It was nice for both of them to not be alone as they tripped and stumbled and marched their way through figuring out how the hell one was supposed to live life. Klaus kept his promise in helping Daniel with school, making sure he took breaks from studying and kept his schedule reasonable and somewhat organized. Although, honestly, most of the time, Klaus just sat back and watched as he flourished, beaming with pride as Daniel soared through his classes and listening with quiet happiness as Daniel’s eyes danced in excitement while he talked about how amazing his classes were. 

Klaus went to a handful of sober concerts the punks at NA organized and learned how to alter his clothing from a lovely older anarchist by the name of Jonathan. And from there, he started experimenting with actually making his own outfits as well. (The ladies in his knitting circle were thrilled when he was able to share the pattern to the blouse he’d constructed.) His creativity flowed out in endless bounds and it didn’t matter much if he was good at what he did or not. He had fun and there was no one there to yell at him for not being enough, just an endless network of people who were happy to encourage him or gently correct him when he asked for help, never judging or cruel. 

Once a month, Susan and her daughters came into the city and the four of them met up for brunch and a trip to the nail salon. When he was invited to Sam’s graduation party⏤ a family-only event, Klaus cried so hard his make up was completely ruined. He didn’t mind it at all. 

Between work and a carefully busy schedule of conferring with the dead and what frankly boiled down to arts and crafts, Klaus kept himself busy and the spring slipped into summer. He and Lauren called and talked frequently and Klaus was certain that he’d spent about a third of his income over the past months on postage, but it was of course different than when she was there with him. Still, they sent bottles of nail polish back and forth along with their love and held onto their friendship. It was harder with the miles between them, but some bonds can not be broken and theirs was forged in steel.

***

“Klaus,” Noah said in that voice that Klaus had come to know meant he was about to ask a question he wouldn’t like. “It’s time for an uncomfortable conversation.

Oh fuck.

“Why haven’t you attempted to contact Diego?”

There it was.

“We have spent a great deal of time talking about him. You consistently list stealing from him as one of the greatest regrets of your life and you say that having a strong relationship with your family is one of your highest goals in life. Yet you have not taken any action towards resolving that conflict. Why?”

Klaus took a very long time to answer. When he did, he spoke slowly and deliberately. “I’m not ready.”

Noah waited for him to elaborate patently.

“The last time I saw Diego, I was a total mess. I thought I’d lost Daniel. I was trying to absorb what Vanya had written in her book. My, um, _sexual trauma_ had just been dug from the depths of hell and I thought I was going to lose Lauren. Seeing him, and seeing how he saw me, pushed me over the edge.”

“You’ve come a long way since then, Klaus. Do you feel like seeing Diego again would send you spiraling that way today?”

“No. I don’t know. It’s complicated. My family is complicated. I think⏤ Look. Even if Diego came in here right now and told me everything I’ve ever wanted to hear in my life and told me he loved me… I wouldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. I can’t see him seeing me as anything other than the person I was the night I left his apartment. I can’t even seem to talk in front of him. I feel like nothing in comparison to him. And it’s not his fault. It’s mine⏤”

“Klaus.”

“No. You’re right. It’s fucking Reginald’s fault. _It’s not my fault,_ ” Klaus said those words like a mantra, like something that needed to be willed into existence. In some ways it was. It was still hard to believe sometimes, that it wasn’t his fault. But every time he said it, it felt closer to the truth. “It’s not my fault. But it’s my shit to deal with. I need to figure this out before I can be in his life. And before he can be in mine.”

“Don’t you think Diego would want to help you, Klaus?”

“I know he would. But that's why I can’t see him yet. I can’t let him turn his life into a mission to save mine. That’s why things got so tense between us before. It would be unfair to him. I think I need to figure myself out right now. And when I’m ready, then I can call him. Or whatever. If I tried to do that now, I would go all codependent again and we both know how well that would end.”

“Are you sure that’s not an excuse?” Noah challenged carefully.

Klaus took a pause to consider it. “I don’t think it is. I think… I think that’s true.” He mulled over something that had been on his mind quite a bit over the past months. “I think that I base my self worth off of what other people think.”

Noah’s eyebrows rose but he didn’t say anything. 

“The only way that I have to judge my actions as good or bad or evaluate how worthwhile I am is to look at how others view me. I see myself as inherently bad and wrong and stupid. And I’m working on that, but I still just… need to check with people around me to make sure I’m still being good? I don’t know if you know what I’m trying to say. I mean, that’s what I’ve done my whole life. I did it with Reginald and Jason and Lauren and Daniel and Lillian and you. I just don’t trust myself to be good or right so I look at people that I trust to be right and good to tell me if I am or not. 

“I think that I do that with my family too. With Diego. I think that’s why it hurt so much when he thought I was using. Because if he thought I was that person, then that meant that I _was_ that person. I didn’t have the confidence to be anything more than that person. Does that make sense?” Klaus finally looked to Noah to see, to his surprise, that he was positively beaming at Klaus.

“That,” Noah said. “Is completely and totally accurate analysis, Klaus. I’m honestly very impressed. You’ve managed to recognize a pattern of behavior in yourself and taken steps to protect yourself and move towards recovery. I am very proud of you.”

“And,” Klaus said, his voice growing even quieter despite the assurance. “I don’t like the person that my family thinks I am. I don’t like the person and I am when I’m with my family. I just fall back into their expectations. I act dumb and selfish and like a _junkie_ because that’s what they expect and it’s safer to be what they expect than to try and be better and fail.”

“That does sound very painful, Klaus,” Noah agreed softly. “I am proud to see your high levels of self-recognition, but I’m sorry that you are in such pain. I can understand why you do not feel as if you are ready to see your family quite yet.”

“So, you think it’s okay, that I’m not going to see Diego until I feel… better? It’s not selfish?”

“Ah, there it is,” Noah said, raising a finger. “You’re looking to me for assurance that you’re not a bad person.”

“Oh, fuck.”

Noah laughed at Klaus’s look of horror. “It’s okay. To an extent, I am here to help you determine what is and is not healthy emotional behavior. But in this instance, Klaus, I don’t think you need me. It seems like you’re doing a good job on your own of taking care of your needs. Well done.”

Maybe it wasn’t entirely healthy, but Klaus felt himself relax at that promise that he wasn’t a terrible person for prioritizing himself, just the one time. 

As if reading his mind, Noah continued. “You are allowed to take all the time you need to heal, Klaus,” he said in his gently affirming way. “Your life is under your control. If you feel like you need to take time to prepare yourself before you see Diego or your other siblings again, I understand that. Though maybe let him know you’re okay, alright? Or alive at least? I have a feeling he’d be worried.”

“I’m trying not to worry him,” Klaus agreed. Though he silently thought that if he contacted Diego at all, it would send his brother after him. And that was the opposite of what they needed. Diego needed freedom from the weight of the Academy holding him down. From what Klaus could tell, he was Diego’s last tie to that torture chamber. If that connection broke, maybe Diego could let go and do his own work towards recovery. Like with Lauren, it was probably best for them to walk alone for a bit and come back together when they were ready. 

Klaus didn’t mention any of that to Noah. He didn’t know Diego. And as much as they talked about it, he didn’t know the Academy either. He didn’t understand its seductive call, the promise of being worthy. A hero. That if you just did enough, you’d finally be loved. Noah didn’t understand how hard it was to break free of it. 

Though of course, Diego had always been stronger than Klaus. Without Klaus to weigh him down, he knew that Diego would fly away from that twisted pit. Klaus just couldn’t be selfish and step back in too soon, or he’d clip Diego’s wings. 

***

“Klaus?” Lillian asked, calling from the doorway of her office. 

“Yeah?” He leaned back in his desk chair to see her, raising it on its back legs. 

“Can I see you for a minute?”

“Sure.” He carefully untangled himself from his phone chords and went to join her.

Lillian ushered him in and closed the door, coming around to sit behind her desk. “So Klaus,” she said, folding her hands. “I have some news.”

Klaus paused. “Uhhh, is that good news or…?”

Lillian smiled. “That’s up to you.”

“Okay,” Klaus said slowly. That was a bit ominous. 

“Kim has asked if she can come back to work.”

His heart dropped. “Oh. So I don’t have a job anymore,” Klaus said quietly. 

“No,” Lillian said, “I am not firing you.”

“But what about Kim?”

“I do want to give her the position back that I promised would be waiting for her.”

There was something he wasn’t getting and it was making Klaus feel stupid. “So what does that mean?”

“I was wondering if you’ve ever thought about teaching,” Lillian said.

Klaus’s brain short-circuited. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I want to make you an instructor here.”

“Again. _What?”_

“I’ve seen how much your practice has improved in the time I’ve known you, Klaus. You are just as skilled as I am now, if not more so. Your strength and balance are superb. And I remember watching you teach self-defense at Healing Sage. You have incredible patience and a real natural ability to relate to others. I think you would make a fantastic teacher.”

“Okay. So like, beyond the insanity of you asking me this, I don’t even know how that works. Don’t you have to go to school or something?”

“There is a certification process, but I would pay you to complete it. I consider it part of your training.”

“So just like that, without you even knowing if I can pass the test, you’re hiring me?”

“Yes.” 

“I, I have no idea what⏤” Klaus shook his head. Maybe his idea of what a yoga teacher was had become too exaggerated by how important Lillian was to him, but the idea of stepping into a role like that was incomprehensible. Klaus struggled even to respond. “I don’t even know what to say. I’m just still confused. You want me? To be a teacher? Like, be in charge of people? Me? Be the leader? Be an _example_?”

He glanced at Ben who hovered behind Lillian. He gave Klaus an enthusiastic thumbs up.

Lillian smiled. “Yes. I trust you.”

“Oh,” he whispered. Klaus sat with that piece of information for a long time. It was far from the first time she had said those words to him, but for some reason, on that day, they sunk-in in a way that they never had before. 

He thought about what Noah had said to him. That Klaus deserved to be happy. He thought about the question asked of him so often of late. _What do you want?_

Klaus… wanted to be a good person. 

He wanted to live a life that Diego could look at and be proud.

He wanted to be reliable. 

He wanted Ben to not have to spend his afterlife keeping track of Klaus and being forced to depend on someone who had only ever been there for him less than a third of the time. 

He wanted to be honest. 

He wanted to be the type of person that Allison invited to her wedding or to meet her daughter. 

He wanted to be happy.

He wanted Luther to consider him his family and not a betrayer. 

He wanted to go outside every day.

He fucking wanted Five to come home. 

He wanted to live his life as exactly who he was, without worrying about what people thought of his clothes or his gender or his sexuality or his past. 

He wanted Vanya to look at him as someone who was better off alive. 

“You trust me?” he repeated, searching Lillian for a hint of a lie he knew she wouldn't tell. 

“Yes,” Lillian said, smiling. 

Klaus wanted to be someone that people trusted. 

“I guess I’m going to be a teacher,” Klaus said with a shaky laugh.

Lillian and Ben beamed. 

***

To his surprise and Lillian’s pride, Klaus flew through the qualifications process with ease, passing his certification the day before he turned twenty-seven. He and Lillian and Ben celebrated both events at the counter of Griddy’s, gorging themselves on doughnuts with the wild abandon of children. When she heard what the occasion was, Agnes told them it was on the house. 

Klaus tried to protest, but she simply smiled. “You’re my best customer, Klaus,” Agnes laughed. “And a first-rate twitcher. You’ve kept me company on so many lunch breaks, I feel like I still owe you another several-dozen doughnuts.”

“I don’t do it for anything,” Klaus assured her quickly. He didn’t use people like that. Anymore. 

“I know,” Agnes assured as she patted his hand. “That’s why I like you so much.”

Klaus didn’t know what to say. He was still unused to anyone liking him for anything like that. Or even just liking him at all. “Thanks,” was all he managed to come up with. 

“Of course.” Agnes smiled. “And Klaus?”

“Yeah?”

“Happy Birthday.”

***

The patrons of Lillian’s studio were more than welcoming to Klaus becoming an instructor. They all loved him already and were more than happy to see more of him, in a literal sense in some cases. (Ben found it very amusing to tell Klaus how many middle-aged women he spotted checking out Klaus’s ass while he stretched, if only because it was all in harmless fun. He was safe there.)

Klaus was so nervous on his first day teaching solo that he nearly bolted, but Lillian walked in with a calming tea before he got the chance. And, an hour and a half later as his class thanked him and complimented his work as they filed out, Klaus was glad she did. 

He was tired of running. 

He liked his life. 

He felt proud. 

Of _himself_. 

It was nice. 

  
  


***

It is easy for time to slip away from you. Life falls into a pattern of work and chores and therapy and experimenting with one’s supernatural ability to commune with the dead. With stability, genuine, real stability in his life, Klaus found himself in a comforting sway of routine. 

He cared for his plants in the apartment that was probably smaller than what he could afford on his teaching salary, but that had become his home to an extent that he didn’t feel the need to leave it⏤ he didn’t want to leave it. His life was filled with sunny afternoons napping in a place where he felt safe enough that his back didn’t need to be against a wall and where he had access to as much food as he could need. He had a community of odd and eclectic friends who cared about him and enjoyed his presence, even if his inner group of those he trusted with his secrets was small. 

Absolutely no one touched him if he didn’t give them permission. 

On his good days when his mind was clear and his heart was calm, Ben could lean against his legs and read while Klaus knit and Daniel could even see Ben for a few minutes from where he sat in the corner, his textbook propped against his knees. 

On his bad days, he called Lauren or Susan or Lillian or Darryl or Daniel or even Pete and they talked to him until the dark specter of memory was kept at bay and Ben’s concerned face stopped flickering in and out of view as Klaus was talked off of a panic attack. 

But those bad days became less and less common as time passed and Klaus earned another coin to add to his collection.

When Daniel graduated, somehow early despite losing an entire semester to his relapse, Klaus stood on his chair to applaud him, decorum be damned. As the rehab group, minus Lauren but including JJ now that the two had worked through their past and were ready to try again, gathered to celebrate, Klaus looked over the sea of people he loved and who loved him and thought that maybe, even if he had lost most of his siblings, he still had a family. 

With that same quiet peace, another year slipped away and Klaus found himself approaching thirty, roughly five years clean, and happy. His life was nothing like he could have ever expected but in the best possible way. Fifteen-year-old Klaus, the boy who was now almost half a lifetime away, who thought the closest he could ever get to love was a slimy man far too old for him and cheap cocktail, would have never in a thousand years thought that he would end up with a quiet life as a yoga teacher and spend his free time knitting with old ladies. But that Klaus also didn’t expect to live as long as he had. 

That Klaus expected to die on a mission or in training or just overdosing on his own at what most would consider to be a tragically young age but that lost little boy could only think of as a relief. 

_Maybe he was too hard on Vanya_ , he thought as he shoved the cursed book into a box to be moved into the storage unit of his basement. _If he’d thought it, who was he to be angry and she’d written it?_

Klaus tried not to think about the book too much. Or his siblings at all really, the loss still tender in his heart, even as he worked quietly towards the goal of being ready to see them again. But it was still hard, hence the removal of the book from his apartment. It never did him any good to have it around anyway. He was hardly going to move past his worry that his family thought he was worthless if he kept rereading it.

Of course, he still kept tabs on them. He wanted to be as caught up as possible when they finally met again. He watched the (celebrity) news for updates on Allison and marveled at how fast Claire grew and ached that she didn’t know him. He spent far too much time staring up at the sky at night as if he might just catch a glance of Luther looking down on him and trying not to think about how lonely it must be up there. He watched the video that had been posted online of Vanya’s orchestra playing a Christmas song and nearly cried at the tiny fuzzy dot he somehow recognized as her even when the footage was so grainy he shouldn’t have been able to tell her from her instrument. He kept an eye and ear out for Diego, though he was the hardest to keep track of beyond the occasional fight at a boxing ring half-way across the city that sounded vaguely familiar to Klaus for an unknown reason. 

Of course, as always, there was no sign of Five. Still, there were times when Klaus would catch a glimpse of a little boy walking down the street and his heart would skip a beat as memory washed over him. But the boy would always turn just a little further and Klaus would see the face of a stranger instead of his brother. He chastised himself every time. Even if somehow Five was still out there, he wouldn’t look like the kid that had run out of the Academy all those years ago. He’d be an adult and Klaus doubted he’d recognize him.

So his life wasn’t perfect. Klaus knew that. There were holes that would always be there, shaped like three brothers, two sisters, and a niece. There were pieces of him that had been carved off and left scattered around the city like gruesome confetti and they could not be sewn back over the scars they left behind. 

But Klaus was happy.

Klaus had a life he was proud of. 

Klaus had a fucking life at all. 

And every day, he climbed closer to the light, to the sky, to the person he wanted to be. 

Klaus might have been content to stay like that forever, living his tiny, quiet life. But of course, like all good things in the Hargreeves’ family must, his time of peace came to end. Because Reginald just couldn’t let him have one goddamn good thing, could he?

No. The bastard had to go and die. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_To Be Continued…._

_“Titanomachy”_

_Coming March 15th, 2021_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Very brief reference to the time Reggie was homophobic/abusive in Lost in the Middle. Very brief references to Klaus's past abusive relationships. Small reference to past suicidal ideation. 
> 
> Honestly, this is a lighter chapter than almost the entire rest of the fic. It's like 99% healing. 
> 
> ***  
> And there we have it folks. 
> 
> Bizarre that we got here so fast. It feels like I started just yesterday!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed Anabasis! I hope to have Titanomachy done by the 15th but if for whatever reason things so wrong I will update you on [my tumblr.](https://aye-of-newt.tumblr.com/) Follow me there for updates or just come say hi! I would love that. 
> 
> In the meantime while you wait for content, I can share my writing playlists with you. I made one for [ Anabasis](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4FYduCdkzTfyv7sixnUrAo?si=5ABj0tNhQvKg5qr0pWe3rw) and for [ Lost in the Middle.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6bnj8R6rMS4yZqkiMz8peT?si=S85pffnaSAqekZOsmzX-wg) They aren't supposed to follow plot points exactly or anything or be a "soundtrack" but it's what I listened to while I wrote and what I feel fit the vibes of the fic. A couple of the songs offered inspiration for a chapter title or character name though. Anyway, enjoy? If you're into that?
> 
> Once again, I must thank you all. I cannot properly express how much I love all of you for reading and leaving kudos and the amazing comments that make me want to just cry because oh my god you're so kind. I've always struggled with confidence and just having such consistent wonderful feedback has really given me a boost, especially considering how vulnerable this story was for me. I really poured a lot of my heart into this series and having people say that they felt seen or represented or comforted by my writing just really humbled me and proved once again how no one feels those things alone. So thank you for participating in my series that should really just be called "In which I give Klaus all the advice that I should take myself"
> 
> I genuinely love and adore you all. Thank you so much for your time and support. It has no comparison.
> 
> Until we meet again, I am your overwhelmed and over-emotional author,  
> Aye of Newt


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